Monday, January 02, 2006


Media-Shy Prez Brings Comfort Away From Cameras

(San Antonio, TX) On a day when most Democrats were nursing hangovers and breaking their New Year’s resolution to hate America slightly less, President Bush yesterday without fanfare once again tenderly
attended to the wounds of America’s brave soldiers at the Army’s Brooke Medical Center. Bush, who escaped to the hospital on a daily basis last summer while media-creation Cindy Sheehan besieged his unassuming Crawford cabin, refused to comment on his visits, citing his Christian belief that good works are their own reward.

Bush, who fits every military funeral into his busy, fighting-for-freedom schedule, is known as a regular fixture at the hospital’s world-famous burn center, where he can often be found gingerly cleaning wounds, anointing feet, and comforting patients’ family members with tales of his own recovery from war wounds suffered in the jungles of Vietnam. “The message is, ‘Bush cares,” accurately summarized White House spokesman Trent Duffy.

On his New Year’s Day visit, the President issued seven Purple Hearts to soldiers wounded during action in a very necessary war against a brutal enemy. Despite their weakened states, Duffy advised that each of the decorated heroes urged Bush to “stay the course in Iraq, renew the Patriot Act, continue to endorse warrantless wiretaps, drill for oil in the ANWR, completely overhaul Social Security, eliminate the “death tax,” re-write the tax code, protect the unborn, demand up-and-down votes on Supreme Court nominees, assassinate Hugo Chavez, and rescind the 22nd Amendment.” For his part, President Bush solemnly pledged to do his best to accommodate their wishes, but warned that his efforts would be fought at every turn by rejectionist Democrats.

“Obviously, Democrats hate the military,” keenly observed Duffy. “It’s unfortunate, no, irresponsible that they allow their defeatist attitudes to negatively affect our soldiers during a time of war. Everything may have changed on 9/11, but clearly John Kerry’s hatred of America has not.” It should be noted that Kerry later visited the same hospital after Bush tearfully departed, but did so only to cowardly steal their Purple Hearts, which he later threw onto the White House lawn.

The President, whose patriotism (if possible) is renewed by these regular visits, took his leave with a promise to return soon, and traveled to nearby Randolph Air Force Base. There he donned a striking flight suit, commandeered a B-2 bomber, and announced his intent to “take the fight to the enemy.” Once over Washington, however, Bush resisted the urge to bomb John Murtha’s (D-PA) office, even though such an act is clearly within his rights during times of war.


Blogger Kvatch said...

There he donned a striking flight suit, commandeered a B-2 bomber, and announced his intent to “take the fight to the enemy.”

Actually Bush got lost over the Potomac and found that B-2's don't handle the high-back approach to Natio--Uhhh--Ronny Rayguns Memorial Flugplatz very well. Barely landed the damn thing.

January 02, 2006 12:09 PM  
Blogger Blogenfreude said...

Wits in DC pointed out that Washington National Airport was already named after a president ...

January 02, 2006 12:19 PM  
Anonymous Dude said...

Rex, I’m going to find it necessary to question one of the assertions made in your article (actually, I question them all, but only have time for one). Your remark that Bush spent time “…comforting patients’ family members with tales of his own recovery from war wounds suffered in the jungles of Vietnam” seems highly unlikely. It has been well established in the legitimate media that George W. Bush spent the entire Vietnam War performing illegal abortions and snorting coke with prostitutes in a New Orleans whore house. And that is a historical fact.

January 02, 2006 12:23 PM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Sigh. Does it ever bother you people that your comments give aid and comfort to the enemy?

Washington National Airport was in fact named after former Redskins running back Joe Washington, who, while helping the Skins win a Super Bowl, hardly merits airport immortality. Hence, the patriotically-renamed Ronny Rayguns Memorial Flugplatz.

As for dude's alleged "facts," well, Clinton did it too.

January 02, 2006 12:42 PM  
Blogger Neil Shakespeare said...

I hear our Dear Leader was severely wounded on one of his pinkies during the visit. I sure hope they give him combat pay for that. Or at least a Purple Fart.

Enjoyed your comment on IT'S GOOD TO BE BILL. Gave me a good laugh. I'm new to these Vanity Fair mags. Actually there ARE lots of older women in there...if you're a teenager. Never seen so many pictures of Uma Thurman with handbags...

January 02, 2006 2:45 PM  
Anonymous abi said...

Some danger seeker you are, Rex. Your photo of Bush in his "striking flight suit" is cropped just above the most dangerous part.

OBTW, Rex, You're It.

January 02, 2006 3:26 PM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Neil: Exactly how can you tell the difference between Uma and the handbag?

(Wow, that was shallow, even for a patriot like me...but you DO know she's a man, right?)

abi: Do not mock the Presidential codpiece! As for the tag, I grudgingly accept, and will address it in toworrow's Pulitzer-winning post.

January 02, 2006 5:36 PM  
Blogger Neil Shakespeare said...

LOL! That IS shallow! I'll have to do a picture to illustrate the difference. Maybe a couple of well-placed handbags can serve as the testicles...

January 03, 2006 6:12 PM  

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