IRAQ DECLARED “SAFER THAN DAYTONA”

FL Teen Visits Baghdad, Starts New Spring Break Trend

(Ft. Lauderdale) Farris Hassan is not unlike most Florida teens, with the possible exception of his suspicious last name. He loves his family, Jesus and Jeb Bush (though not necessarily in that order.) Farris abstains from drugs and pre-marital sex, tears up listening to Lee Greenwood songs, and attends church 3 to 11 times per day. Despite his completely normal teenage existence, however, Hassan still needs to “blow off steam” (as the kids say these days) from time to time. Usually, he escaped to the nearby beach with some friends from his “Surfing for Freedom” club or attempted to sit in silent contemplation of the glory of Jesus in between his classes, but recently even those seemingly-innocent activities became more fraught with danger. “Those shiftless homeless people from New Orleans have taken over the beach, and, well, my teachers tell me that public school is no place for prayer,” shockingly advised Hassan. So, where can a persecuted Christian youth escape to that’s safe and fun?

Why, Iraq of course!

Recently, the freedom-loving teen, with his parents’ knowledge and consent, traveled unescorted to the exotic-yet-completely tame country, where he reportedly “had a blast, in a very safe kind of way.” Hassan decided before leaving home that he wouldn’t be the so-called “ugly American” tourist, and although he did enjoy the trappings of Baghdad’s many five-star hotels, he also ventured into the breathtaking countryside, areas the liberal media has erroneously labeled as “lawless.”

“Please,” pooh-poohed Hassan. “The people there were so nice and religious, although obviously not in a Christian way. I mean, when they found out I was American, they greeted me with the traditional welcome of gunfire and spitting. It was awesome!”

Hassan’s experience echoes that of many recent tourists to the Middle East’s newest democracy. Travel agents report that hundreds of thousands of Americans, primarily those in the industry’s target audience (young men of military age) have visited Iraq since March 2003, as have tens of thousands of Islamic men of all ages who have been drawn to the exciting prospect of engaging Americans in debate over who loves freedom more. In fact, hospitality experts believe that Iraq, and perhaps soon, Iran, could displace dens of sin such as Daytona and Cancun as the ultimate spring break destination.

“No doubt about it, Iraq is an up-and-coming hot spot for America’s youth,” reported Karen Hughes, who has been tasked by President Bush the cushy job of improving America’s image in the Muslim world (as if that were even possible, as a recent poll indicates that Iraqis love America twice as much as Californians.) “You can’t get much safer. I mean, are there 130,000 troops keeping Aruba safe? I don’t think so.”

As for Hassan, he says he’ll return to Baghdad again and again. “What’s not to like? Laws are based on religion, men have complete power over their wives, drugs and alcohol are illegal, the death penalty is administered quickly, and homosexuality is illegal. If you ask me, America could learn a lot from Iraqis.”