Sunday, January 01, 2006

PATRIOTS PREDICT “BEST 2006 EVER”

Forecast Calls for Sunshine, Continued Freedom-Loving

Editor’s Note: The Spurious George staff, after enjoying too much freedom and tequila at last night’s get-together, is taking the day off. What follows are predictions for the New Year from America’s best, brightest, and most patriotic. Now if you’ll excuse us, our skulls are imploding.

President George W. Bush: “Welcome to the first day of the rest of our year, by that I mean Happy New Year. Together, we can make this the best 2006 ever. I firmly believe that.”

Vice President Dick Cheney: “In 2006, we will continue to take the fight to the terrorists so that we won’t have to fight them here. Unless they’re here already, of course, in which case the President will fight them with every tool at his disposal in accordance with the oath he took to defend America.”

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice: “While we are not considering military actions against Iran, North Korea, Syria, France or Mexico in 2006, it must be said that all options are on the table.”

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld: “I believe that victory in Iran will be measured in weeks, certainly not months or years.”

Homeland Security Michael Chertoff: “Be afraid, be very afraid.”

Attorney General Alberto Gonzales: “In the coming year, my office will continue to assist the President with his breathtakingly visionary interpretation of the Constitution, the most important document ever produced, even if it’s only a piece of paper.”

Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito: “It is my sincerest hope that soon, very soon, we will be able to better protect the unborn of this nation, just as Jesus intended.”

Representative Tom DeLay (R-Texas): “I will continue my career-long endeavors to eliminate partisanship from the nation’s courts. As everyone knows, like the President I am a uniter, not some kind of partisan Democrat divider.”

Senator Ted Stevens (R-Alaska): “In 2006, my colleagues in the Senate will finally break away from the hypnotic-like grip of the eco-terrorists, and finally approve patriotic oil exploration in the icy hell of the so-called Arctic National Wildlife Refuge.”

Secretary of the Interior Gale Norton: “What Senator Stevens said.”

Senator Bill Frist (R-Tennessee): “Under my leadership and supported by the President’s strong showing in the polls, the Republican party will continue to expand our benevolent custodianship of the Senate.”

Representative Roy Blunt (R-Missouri): “Under my leadership and supported by the President’s strong showing in the polls, the Republican party will continue to expand our benevolent custodianship of the House.”

Humble Man of God Pat Robertson: “Hugo Chavez will suffer an unfortunate accident, I’m afraid. Jesus told me so.”

Spiritual Advisor Timothy LaHaye: “With the President’s continued blessing, the Rapture grows nearer. If you think America is great, and it is, wait until you see heaven!”

British Prime Minister Tony Blair: “2006 will be exactly as President Bush says it shall be.”

4 Comments:

Anonymous Dude said...

I think it's high time that someone points out to these cretins in the White House that the Constitution of the United States is not just some "piece of paper". The constitution is in fact PARCHMENT - a paper like substance made from animal skins.

January 01, 2006 12:50 PM  
Blogger Neil Shakespeare said...

Thanks, man. Now I don't have to pay any attention to the news for the rest of year. All you need is clairvoyance!

January 01, 2006 2:31 PM  
Blogger Kvatch said...

I tremble before the righteous, patriotic juggernaut.

January 01, 2006 4:23 PM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Parchment, paper, whatever. The fact is the Constitution has always been a sort of, well, a loose set of rules. As you all know, the rules changed on 9/11, rules that were made to be broken anyway. I mean, if they weren't, we wouldn't have broken away from our former British rulers, those buck-toothed limeys that are always humming "Rule Brittania."

You can't argue with logic like this, so don't even try. Just sit back and enjoy the freedom-loving.

January 01, 2006 4:49 PM  

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