DELAY: “I’M MY OWN MAN”

Texas Hero Denies Lobbyist Influenced His Votes

(Waco, TX) Vacationing House Majority Leader Tom DeLay, last season’s winner on Fox’s “Who Loves America Most?” reality show, chuckles at the baseless allegation that he is any way influenced by donations made to his many philanthropic causes. “Well, there they go again with their pathetic partisan hack-jobs,” laughed DeLay, clearly referring to Democrats who hate freedom so much they feel obliged to tear down those who love it more than life itself. “Every vote I have cast over the course of my humble career dedicated to serving the American people has been made for the benefit of only one person, and that’s Lady Liberty. If that’s wrong, well, send me to death row right now.”

Democrats, who oppose the death penalty, even in cases involving cowardly terrorist attacks on US soil, quickly denied seeking execution for DeLay, but amazingly and without evidence questioned the Texas patriot’s tenuous connection to bad apple lobbyist Jack Abramoff. “Oh, I suppose they’ll try to make some kind of federal case out my alleged relationship with, what’s his name? Abramoff?” asked DeLay, a man far too busy with the business of keeping America safe to recall the name of someone he might have met at a party years ago. “Never heard of him, but I think he might be a close, personal friend of Harry Reid (D-NV.)”

It is rumored that Department of Justice officials left over from the Clinton administration who refuse to continue the search for Osama bin Laden despite President Bush’ pleadings, have inexplicably focused on DeLay in their investigation of Abramoff. The powerful lobbyist is expected to accept a plea bargain from prosecutors in return for fabricated testimony regarding several prominent and patriotic Republican lawmakers. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, however, admitted that his case against DeLay and most others is weak at best. “Honestly, from what I understand, the only person I know of that has a clear connection to Abramoff is Senator Reid, who as you all well know, is a Democrat.”

For his part DeLay, who is currently fighting an unrelated and clearly-partisan charge brought by a liberal activist district attorney, says he has nothing to fear from the latest slanderous accusations made against him. A grass-roots organization of everyday citizens has arisen to raise funds for his defense, money the honest-as-the-day-is-long lawmaker is quick to point out will not buy his support for any bill that doesn’t directly make America more free. “Trust me, nobody who loves freedom and integrity in government wants to see Tom DeLay in jail,” truthfully stated the Texas statesman. “Harry Reid? Well, that’s another story.”