Tuesday, January 03, 2006

DELAY: “I’M MY OWN MAN”

Texas Hero Denies Lobbyist Influenced His Votes

(Waco, TX) Vacationing House Majority Leader Tom DeLay, last season’s winner on Fox’s “Who Loves America Most?” reality show, chuckles at the baseless allegation that he is any way influenced by donations made to his many philanthropic causes. “Well, there they go again with their pathetic partisan hack-jobs,” laughed DeLay, clearly referring to Democrats who hate freedom so much they feel obliged to tear down those who love it more than life itself. “Every vote I have cast over the course of my humble career dedicated to serving the American people has been made for the benefit of only one person, and that’s Lady Liberty. If that’s wrong, well, send me to death row right now.”

Democrats, who oppose the death penalty, even in cases involving cowardly terrorist attacks on US soil, quickly denied seeking execution for DeLay, but amazingly and without evidence questioned the Texas patriot’s tenuous connection to bad apple lobbyist Jack Abramoff. “Oh, I suppose they’ll try to make some kind of federal case out my alleged relationship with, what’s his name? Abramoff?” asked DeLay, a man far too busy with the business of keeping America safe to recall the name of someone he might have met at a party years ago. “Never heard of him, but I think he might be a close, personal friend of Harry Reid (D-NV.)”

It is rumored that Department of Justice officials left over from the Clinton administration who refuse to continue the search for Osama bin Laden despite President Bush’ pleadings, have inexplicably focused on DeLay in their investigation of Abramoff. The powerful lobbyist is expected to accept a plea bargain from prosecutors in return for fabricated testimony regarding several prominent and patriotic Republican lawmakers. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, however, admitted that his case against DeLay and most others is weak at best. “Honestly, from what I understand, the only person I know of that has a clear connection to Abramoff is Senator Reid, who as you all well know, is a Democrat.”

For his part DeLay, who is currently fighting an unrelated and clearly-partisan charge brought by a liberal activist district attorney, says he has nothing to fear from the latest slanderous accusations made against him. A grass-roots organization of everyday citizens has arisen to raise funds for his defense, money the honest-as-the-day-is-long lawmaker is quick to point out will not buy his support for any bill that doesn’t directly make America more free. “Trust me, nobody who loves freedom and integrity in government wants to see Tom DeLay in jail,” truthfully stated the Texas statesman. “Harry Reid? Well, that’s another story.”

8 Comments:

Blogger Neil Shakespeare said...

I think there's gonna be a shootout at the Prairie Chapel Ranch down there in Crawford. I hear DeLay and his gun-nut buddies are gonna take over the Prez's ranch and rename it The DeLaylamo and fight it out to the death. That's just what I heard...somewhere...

January 04, 2006 1:23 AM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

That would be the coolest thing ever. Think of the pay-per-view revenue!

P.S. Before anyone points it out to me, yes, I know that Senator Reid is from the great state of Nevada, and not from America-hating New York (see photo.)What can I say? My underlings provided me with faulty intelligence.

January 04, 2006 7:42 AM  
Blogger Blogenfreude said...

Abramoff has given over the key to the Chamber of Secrets. Soon, we will know all ...

January 04, 2006 10:06 AM  
Blogger mikevotes said...

Did you see the Deguerin quote, Delay's lead defense attorney?

here.

"Dick: There's no question that they are friends and Tom Delay's not the kind of person that's going to turn his back on a friend that's in trouble---Tom Delay is not going to abandon Jack Abramoff just because Abramoff has done some illegal things..."

Mike

January 04, 2006 10:38 AM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Based on their friendship, maybe the feds can arranged for the two to share a jail cell. Hopefully, in a prison with a large Native American population.

Now that I think of it, that'd make a great contest: "What will Jack Abramoff's 'Indian name' in prison be?"

January 04, 2006 11:01 AM  
Blogger Neil Shakespeare said...

Oh, man you are BAD! That WOULD be a good contest! I like your idea on the 'Pay-Per-View' of the DeLayamo Massacre thing too. Love your comments, not just on my blog but wherever I find them. In fact I nominated you for the 'Best Commentator'! As to Abramoff 'Indian name' in prison...hmmm...endless possibilities...all ending in '-fuckya'.

January 04, 2006 1:10 PM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Nominated? I'm truly honored. Although, to be honest, I've yet to check out these "Koufax" awards I've heard about (like Neil, I'm new to this blogging thing.) That hasn't stopped me, however, from lobbying for a Diebold contract to handle the vote tabulation.

January 04, 2006 7:40 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

I'm with Neil, I second the nomination!

Good clean fun & stuff.

January 04, 2006 7:58 PM  

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