Wednesday, January 04, 2006

ABRAMOFF SORRY, WON’T DO IT AGAIN

Sincere Mea Culpa Sways Hardened Prosecutors

Washington) In a stunning reversal in no way influenced by Attorney General Alberto Gonzales or other administration officials, Justice Department prosecutors today announced that they would seek no jail time for lobbyist-to-the-stars Jack Abramoff, who earlier pled guilty to unspecified charges that are believed to include several unpaid parking tickets and spitting in public. The announcement came on the heels of Abramoff’s emotionally-stirring appearance before a non-legislating federal judge in which the duly-humbled patriot vowed that he was “really sorry” and swore “never to do it again.”

Instead of the lengthy prison sentence that had been threatened by partisan prosecutors fiercely loyal to the Michael Moore-sect of the Democratic Party, Justice officials moved that Abramoff instead be ordered to host seminars in which the repentant yet dashing defendant would lecture about the lessons he has learned. The prosecution offered no objection that these seminars be held overseas at a home for orphaned children of unemployed single AIDS-infected mothers operated by Abramoff near Scotland’s famous St. Andrews golf course. “Normally, we as prosecuting attorneys are immune to the after-the-fact atonements of the accused,” tearfully remarked prosecutor Kenneth Starr, who was brought in at the last minute by administration officials due to his vast experience in handling politically-sensitive cases. “But, I mean, look at the guy. He looks like a movie star! Besides, he seemed to really mean it when he said he was sorry. That, in the end, was the deciding factor.”

Not everyone in Washington was elated by Abramoff’s light sentence, however. Seeker-of-justice Tom DeLay (R-TX) expressed concern that the convicted was not ordered as part of the plea agreement to provide testimony regarding illegal activities, some heinous, committed by at least one Democrat government official. “I suppose now we’ll never know the depths of Senator Reid’s hatred of America,” remarked DeLay, referring to rumors that Abramoff has information regarding several murders committed by sex-maniac Harry Reid (D-NV.) “This will certainly become an issue in the mid-term elections next year, and one Democrats will be hard-pressed to explain."

Exiting the courtroom, Abramoff was reunited with his family after hours of detainment, and unnecessarily repeated his apologies for betraying the laws of the country he loves so dear. “While it is true that I failed to pay a few parking tickets due to the incompetence of a few of my Indian underlings, who, let’s face it, are dumber than dog shit, I must on principle accept responsibility for their stupidity.” Abramoff’s willingness to take blame for the failings of others was later praised by President Bush, who has made personal responsibility a centerpiece of his
second-term agenda.

4 Comments:

Blogger windspike said...

Aren't these guys such fun? Sing, you little yellow bird, sing.

January 04, 2006 9:58 PM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Windspike, why do you hate America so? Clearly, Mr. Abramoff has paid his debt to society. Let the man practice his craft in peace.

January 04, 2006 10:33 PM  
Blogger rev. billy bob gisher ©2005 said...

you are the new prince of snark in my book. plus anyone crazy enough to link to my favorite nut lothlorien path is enough of a troublemaker to merit respect, and probably someone i was sent to the principal with years ago. screw you i want a link swap. you are dangerous.

January 05, 2006 12:16 AM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Rev BBG: Done, just as soon as I get home tonight (you can't upload from gov't computers, and rightly so. I suspect there may be terrah-rist operatives lurking amongst us here.)

January 05, 2006 8:16 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home