Tuesday, January 10, 2006


President Calls for More Up-Shutting, Less Freedom-Hating

(Washington) In a moving speech to fellow combat veterans, President Bush today called for critics of his brilliant Iraq strategy to set aside nasty partisan politics, and instead come to the inescapable conclusion that only the Republican Party loves America, and that Democrats are a bunch of morally-bankrupt pussies.

I ask all Americans to hold their elected leaders to account and demand a debate that brings credit to our democracy, not comfort to our adversaries," requested the President in no uncertain terms. While not singling out any one person for his or her treason, Bush did indicate that 202 Congressmen and 17 Senators from the America-hating party who are up for re-election in 2006 probably aren’t helping matters with their nay-saying.

Addressing the gathering of his band of brothers in the Veterans of Foreign Wars (VFW,) Bush chastised his aiding and comforting critics. “There are those who would say that just because the intelligence was bad, the reasoning faulty, the execution flawed, and the planning nonexistent, we should cut and run like little French girls from something little French girls would run from, like a monster or maybe a scary shadow. I don’t know. Hard to say, you see. What I do know is that this is irresponsible, and, well, downright un-Americanish.”

The President’s call for the small minority of Americans who hate victory to “simmer down,” was lauded by those whose job it is to strictly interpret what patriotism is. “The President, in times of war, has the Constitutional authority to stifle treasonous debate in order to protect the people,” correctly summarized Executive Privilege scholar and true American John Yoo. “Anyone who thinks otherwise is clearly in league with those who would do us harm, and thus, eligible to move to Canada.”

Woo’s truisms were seconded by Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito, who today during his confirmation hearings wowed a clearly-smitten Senate Judiciary Committee with his breathtaking views of the War Powers Act. “It is well within the President’s right to suggest, even order, that those outside the mainstream stifle themselves in times of war. This ideal, described by the Romans as shuttus uppus, was established in the landmark case Loose Lips vs. Sink Ships.”

As expected, a few Jesus-hating critics refused to assimilate Bush’s message. Senator Russ Feingold (D-WI,) baselessly labeled the President’s call for unity in the face of never-ending danger “unconstitutional” in a news conference attended by only the New York Times, Mother Jones and Al Jazeera. Feingold, whose political aspirations often cloud his patriotism, was later revealed (via the heroic work of the NSA) to be gay.


Blogger Neil Shakespeare said...

I'm sore amazed how he can even make speeches with his head so far up his ass like that.

January 10, 2006 11:56 PM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

I think the phrase you were looking for was, "so far up America's ass that he can feel its' patriotic pulse."

January 11, 2006 1:04 AM  
Blogger Devang said...

You guys are missing the obvious, God told him to. Well, either God or Chenny.

January 11, 2006 10:03 AM  
Blogger Kvatch said...

I ask all Americans to hold their elected leaders to account and demand a debate that brings credit to our democracy, not comfort to our adversaries...

Translated: Get off of my case, already! You're making my widdle head hurt.

January 11, 2006 12:47 PM  

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