Saturday, January 07, 2006


Exonerated Texan Thanks Jesus, Smites Enemies

(Washington) Persecuted Christian solider Tom DeLay (R-TX,) returning to Washington ahead of his America-hating Democrat colleagues, today took possession of Roy Blunt’s (R-MO) unoccupied and conveniently-unlocked House Majority Leader office, thus in de facto yet legally-binding fashion re-established himself as the head of America’s Chosen Party, the Republicans. DeLay, who weeks ago was cleared by President Bush in the court of public opinion (the only court that matters in this day of activist judges) of any wrongdoing, dismissed his earlier comments in which he relinquished his leadership position to the acting-leader. “Who needs a ‘Blunt’ instrument, when you already have the Hammer?” rhetorically asked the rejuvenated DeLay, who in light of his overdue exoneration is being hailed as a logical candidate for the presidency in 2008.

DeLay, inexplicably linked by the mainstream press with liberal-leaning lobbyist Jack Abramoff, quickly sought to distance himself from other members of Congress who have recently put their own interests ahead of those of the American people. “I don’t know what Democrats like Harry Reid (D-NV) were thinking about when they took Abramoff’s money, but it sure wasn’t God and country,” pondered the pious, puritan politician of the predominantly-pacifistic Presbyterian Paco prairie. “
During my time in Congress, I have always acted in an ethical manner within the rules of our body and the laws of our land, unlike my Democrat so-called colleagues.”

DeLay’s triumphant return to the capitol was hailed by administration officials as a sign that Americans are focused on “the big picture” and care little for partisan political attacks. “America, now more than ever, needs patriots such as Congressman DeLay,” honestly assessed White House spokesman Scott McClellan. “It is imperative that we ignore the past and focus on the future. To do otherwise only gives aid and comfort to the enemy, and by that I of course mean Howard Dean.”

The resurrection of DeLay also brought great joy to the heroic K Street lobbyists, who praise the humble servant of both Jesus and America as a rare example of someone who honestly adheres to an “open-door policy” with concerned citizens who seek his counsel. “The word ‘lobbyist,’ unlike ‘liberal,’ is not a dirty word,” decreed DeLay, who owns several dictionaries. “These good folks have only the best interests of America at heart, and in any event, have families to feed. Clinton appointees at the Justice Department, being heartless family-haters, fail to recognize that.”

Despite being demonized by some in the out-of-the-mainstream opposition party, as well as, amazingly, some within his own party, DeLay stated that he would not seek excessive revenge on his enemies. “I come to you as a lamb, not as a lion,” humbly invoked Texas’ second-favorite son. “In keeping with the teachings of our Lord, I shall keep my smitings to a minimum. That said, all options are on the table.” DeLay then began work on his latest piece of legislation, in which Jack Abramoff would be declared an “enemy combatant,” and thus be eligible for rendition to his native Uzbekistan.


Blogger Kvatch said...

...House Majority Leader office, thus in de facto yet legally-binding fashion re-established himself as the head of America’s Chosen Party,

Posession being 9/10's...

Texas prosecutor Ronnie Earle was quoted as saying, "I owned DeLay's ass. What about me?!"

January 07, 2006 11:06 PM  
Anonymous abi said...

Clearly, the triumphant exterminator has taken on the characteristics of the indestructible cockroaches he once stalked for fun and profit, while he was working his way up to smiting higher life forms. If a nuclear blast ever levels Washington, no doubt only DeLay and the cockroaches will be left scurring around the rubble.

January 08, 2006 12:00 AM  
Blogger Neil Shakespeare said...

Yes, all this does is give aid and comfort to Howard Dean. And Howard Dean he's, like, the head of Al Qaeda Vermont, right? Yeah, I think he's organized several local chapters up there. We need the Bug Man back!

January 08, 2006 6:44 AM  
Anonymous lily said...

Howard Dean: another one always whining about healthcare....

January 08, 2006 5:24 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

And speaking of Vermont, aren't they the ones who are trying to break from the Union? Or is that just the Democrats?
Either way they're BOTH going to be visiting pretty roadside cafe's in Tehran pretty soon.

Happy New Year Rex!

January 08, 2006 11:01 PM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Howard Dean clearly needs to do more up-shutting and more America-loving.

And that's all I have to say about that.

January 09, 2006 11:10 AM  

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