BUSH CALLS ON US STUDENTS TO LEARN ARABIC

Military-Age Men Encouraged to Take On Second Language

(Washington) In a speech reminiscent of Roosevelt’s call to arms in the days following Pearl Harbor and Kennedy’s moon challenge in the face of Russian advances, President Bush today called on students, particularly men nearing military age, to begin learning a second language. For no particular reason, Bush suggested that young patriots tackle Arabic dialects native to lands that have not yet, for unknown reasons, embraced sweet freedom, such as Iran and Syria. An accomplished student of history, the President astutely noted that, “Folks who speak the same language, as long as one doesn’t manufacture nuclear weapons or harbor Islamo-fascists, rarely fight.”

Bush stated that he would make $114 million in federal funding, money saved by eliminating Department of Education pet projects such as “lunch,” immediately available for the initiative. Under the program’s proposed guidelines, only male students who register with the Selective Service would be eligible for the program. In addition to the prospect of learning a foreign language, those who qualify for the program would be eligible for travel to exotic lands as well as earn money for college. “We’re looking for a few good men who want to be all they can be by learning a new tongue, as well as a few additional skills that would benefit their country,” patriotically explained the President. “You see, that way, when they go forth into foreign lands, they can be welcomed as heroes, not as ugly-American yet freedom-loving conquerors.”


Bush was inspired to initiate the program after his latest visit to Iraq, where he was impressed by the natives’ attempts to speak to him in his native Texan. Especially dear to the President were the words of a young Iraqi girl who, after being delicately strip-searched for explosive devices, was given an audience with her great American benefactor. “She said unto me, ‘Gohome yankay muth’a fuk’a,” related a teary-eyed Bush, always a softie for the young folks. “And while that may not be perfect Americanish, I was touched by her efforts to tell me in her own way that we should stay the course in her country, as well as fight for the confirmation of Judge Alito.”

As news of Bush’s brilliant plans was disseminated throughout Washington, members of his administration were quick to properly praise his genius. Particularly excited was Pentagon chief Donald Rumsfeld, who himself speaks seventeen languages fluently. “Why, I think it’s a wonderful idea,” exclaimed the always-bubbly Defense Secretary. “Foreign languages open up all kinds of exciting career choices for the young men of this country, whether their interests lie in the military or even, say, the intelligence-gathering field. Of course, those are only two options. The only patriotic options, but still.”

Attorney General Alberto Gonzales also endorsed the program, implying that a generation of American Arabic-speaking citizens would make the country safer, as well as improve the hospitality industry. “On occasion, a visitor to this country lacks the proper English skills that would facilitate his or her sharing of information that would make America a nicer place to visit. Information such as, who do you work for? Where’s Osama? Does this hurt when I do this? Also, why do you hate America?”

President Bush stressed that the program, tentatively titled “Arabic Speaking Students Help Our Liberty Endure (ASSHOLE,)” must be approved by Congress as mandated by the Constitution. “I take the separation of powers very seriously, unless, of course, it’s a matter of national security and there just isn’t time to consult Congress.” The President added, as an aside, that there is nothing more important to the security of the nation than this program, and that he’s a very busy man.