Monday, January 09, 2006


Military-Age Men Encouraged to Take On Second Language

(Washington) In a speech reminiscent of Roosevelt’s call to arms in the days following Pearl Harbor and Kennedy’s moon challenge in the face of Russian advances, President Bush today
called on students, particularly men nearing military age, to begin learning a second language. For no particular reason, Bush suggested that young patriots tackle Arabic dialects native to lands that have not yet, for unknown reasons, embraced sweet freedom, such as Iran and Syria. An accomplished student of history, the President astutely noted that, “Folks who speak the same language, as long as one doesn’t manufacture nuclear weapons or harbor Islamo-fascists, rarely fight.”

Bush stated that he would make $114 million in federal funding, money saved by eliminating Department of Education pet projects such as “lunch,” immediately available for the initiative. Under the program’s proposed guidelines, only male students who register with the Selective Service would be eligible for the program. In addition to the prospect of learning a foreign language, those who qualify for the program would be eligible for travel to exotic lands as well as earn money for college. “We’re looking for a few good men who want to be all they can be by learning a new tongue, as well as a few additional skills that would benefit their country,” patriotically explained the President. “You see, that way, when they go forth into foreign lands, they can be welcomed as heroes, not as ugly-American yet freedom-loving conquerors.”

Bush was inspired to initiate the program after his latest visit to Iraq, where he was impressed by the natives’ attempts to speak to him in his native Texan. Especially dear to the President were the words of a young Iraqi girl who, after being delicately strip-searched for explosive devices, was given an audience with her great American benefactor. “She said unto me, ‘Gohome yankay muth’a fuk’a,” related a teary-eyed Bush, always a softie for the young folks. “And while that may not be perfect Americanish, I was touched by her efforts to tell me in her own way that we should stay the course in her country, as well as fight for the confirmation of Judge Alito.”

As news of Bush’s brilliant plans was disseminated throughout Washington, members of his administration were quick to properly praise his genius. Particularly excited was Pentagon chief Donald Rumsfeld, who himself speaks seventeen languages fluently. “Why, I think it’s a wonderful idea,” exclaimed the always-bubbly Defense Secretary. “Foreign languages open up all kinds of exciting career choices for the young men of this country, whether their interests lie in the military or even, say, the intelligence-gathering field. Of course, those are only two options. The only patriotic options, but still.”

Attorney General Alberto Gonzales also endorsed the program, implying that a generation of American Arabic-speaking citizens would make the country safer, as well as improve the hospitality industry. “On occasion, a visitor to this country lacks the proper English skills that would facilitate his or her sharing of information that would make America a nicer place to visit. Information such as, who do you work for? Where’s Osama? Does this hurt when I do this? Also, why do you hate America?”

President Bush stressed that the program, tentatively titled “Arabic Speaking Students Help Our Liberty Endure (ASSHOLE,)” must be approved by Congress as mandated by the Constitution. “I take the separation of powers very seriously, unless, of course, it’s a matter of national security and there just isn’t time to consult Congress.” The President added, as an aside, that there is nothing more important to the security of the nation than this program, and that he’s a very busy man.


Blogger Blogenfreude said...

Rex, we're from the NSA, and we're here to help you with your blog ...

January 09, 2006 10:05 PM  
Blogger Lew Scannon said...

So is this Bush finally making good on his promise to be the education president?

January 09, 2006 10:06 PM  
Blogger Neil Shakespeare said...

I like that ASSHOLE. That ASSHOLE is a good one. I think they should pour even more money into that ASSHOLE.

January 10, 2006 3:39 AM  
Anonymous Rich said...

Our national security is very important. So please, lets not make fun of a very serious situation. As important as this whole national security thing is one thing is even more important though, BEING QUEER. Given the choice between having security or being free of queers who speak Arabic and or Farsi we'll pick being free of queers every time.

Military Discharged 26 Gay Arab and Farsi Translators

And as Jesus' General is so proud to say.
Heterosexually yours.

January 10, 2006 5:51 AM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Although it was nowhere stated in the general guidelines, it should be assumed that the ASSHOLE program will only be accepting those who accept Jesus' definition of marriage. To do otherwise would of course jeopardize national security. Lives are at stake, people!

January 10, 2006 9:19 AM  
Anonymous Marie Antoinette said...

Yeah, somebody must've reminded him that he's supposed to be the education president. He was also supposed to usher in some kind of "era of accountability"..whatever happened to that?
This is really all coming out of left field. Most Americans can't even speak /Spanish/, a language that's both easier and more useful than Arabic.

January 10, 2006 3:07 PM  
Blogger Blogenfreude said...

And thanks for your contribution to our search for a "Unified Scandal Theory" covering Diebold, Bush, Abramoff, Ney, DeLay, and the rest.

January 10, 2006 4:28 PM  
Blogger Elizabeth Branford said...

Rex- Go see this link at Mary's Knock Knock
The sheer joy of it made me double-tithe this week.

First they whine that they can't get financial aid without registering with SS. Now they whine about a litle bit of farsi... Goddamned spoiled Generation X'ers.

January 10, 2006 4:45 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

"The sheer joy of it made me double-tithe this week".

Are you kidding?? The sheer joy of reading Rex's blog spot has made me tithe double for the last few months!
Of course the kids didn't get that much from Santa, but then, they'll grow up someday and understand.

And speaking of Rex's Blog,
who would have thought a lonely cop? (Wal-Mart Security Specialist?), with a dangerous wife and two dangerous daughters somewhere in Florida could be

on top

of things so keenly?

Methinks Rex might be a paid pro working for the NSA to get us all laughing so hard we forget that our country is going straight to hell in a handbasket.

January 10, 2006 7:00 PM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Lily: I took the liberty of sending that clip on Knock Knock to my good pal Pat Robertson. As I expected, he has called for the smiting of all transit workers (for the double sins of the NYC strike and killing Jesus. Again.)

aj: I have to find a way to get onto the payroll. Lemme see if I can pull a few strings at the Agency.

January 10, 2006 10:32 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

if you do Rex, remember your ol pal, aj....

The new '06 Diesel Ford Pick- ups (w/leather seats) are looking good,
and i think i'm ready to get in bed with Ann and Condi.
or whomever,
whatever it takes.
Stay the course.

January 10, 2006 11:25 PM  
Anonymous Rich said...

That clip and Knock Knock was great. For the price of admission I will not complain about the premature termination of the program.

January 13, 2006 1:33 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home