Monday, January 09, 2006

JESUS GIVES OK TO ALITO NOMINATION

Lord’s Servants Pave Way For Chosen One

(Washington) It is said by those who should know that in the days since 9/11 only Jesus himself could slip through the security in place to protect the capitol’s biggest targets. This adage was proven true last week when servants of the Lord were able to penetrate the Temple that is the Capitol Building and
anoint the seats of the moneychangers who ply their trade there. Unlike the nefarious work done daily in that chamber by Jesus-hating Democrats, however, these Christian soldiers were doing the work of the Lord.

“We anointed in oil the seat of Judge Alito, as well as those of the Senators who presume to sit in judgment of him,” heroically announced Rev. Bob Scheneck, president of the National Clergy Council and firm believer that the Constitution does not endorse the separation of church from state. Scheneck was quick to point out that as a non-profit faith-based-initiative, the patriotic work done by his group came at zero cost to the overburdened taxpayer. In addition, the oil used in the effort was donated by the Justice Department, which had a surplus of supply left over from former
Attorney General John Ashcroft’s tenure.


The Senate confirmation hearings regarding Alito’s nomination to the Supreme Court begin today, and although his promotion is all but assured, true Americans are taking no chances. “Judge Alito is the most qualified candidate for this Court since Chief Justice Roberts, and yet much in the way Jesus was doubted, ultra-liberal Senators such as Arlen Specter (R-PA) have thus far failed to give him adequate praise. We find this troubling, and I might add, anti-Christian,” remarked Concerned Women for America’s Wendy Wright. Wright added that with Alito joining a court led by Roberts and assisted by righteous souls such as Scalia and Thomas, “Jesus will no longer be a dirty word in this country. Unless, of course, Hillary Clinton is saying it.”

Right-thinking members of the Senate Judiciary Committee, following their morning Bible studies, tested their newly-purified seats and rightfully praised Rev. Scheneck and his group for their holy works. “It feels like I’m sitting on the laps of angels,” testified Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-UT.) “The same angels that carry the spirits of the murdered unborn to heaven.” Reverently whispered Sen. Sam Brownback (R-KS,) “Anointed thusly, I feel, nay, I know, that I am doing the Lord’s work here today.”

Not all members of the committee were pleased, however, with their accommodations. After vomiting on a Senate page, Sen. Ted Kennedy (D-MA) slurred, “My seat is slippery! Someone bring me a Bible to mop this thing up with!” Especially put off was Jewish Senator Russ Feingold (D-WI,) who felt it inappropriate that Jesus be introduced into secular government work. “You people just need to let this Jesus thing go, ok? News flash: he’s dead! End of story.”

In an unrelated story, today humble man of God Pat Robertson predicted that the Jesus-hating state of Wisconsin would be “plagued by swarms of locusts, cast into the fiery pits of hell, and cursed to wander the desert for forty years.” Coincidentally, the 700 Club’s remarkably-accurate weather report calls today for Milwaukee to be “hot, dry, with a chance of insect infestation.”

3 Comments:

Blogger Kvatch said...

In an unrelated story, today humble man of God Pat Robertson predicted that the Jesus-hating state of Wisconsin would be “plagued by swarms of locusts, cast into the fiery pits of hell...

Sorry, Pat's wrong on this one. Nothing more can be done to a state that has 1) The Wisconsin Dells as their biggest amusement park; 2) The birthplace of the Republican Party (Ripon); and 3) A motto of "Eat cheese or die!"

January 09, 2006 3:48 PM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Having watched "Conjunction Junction" repeatedly as a child (ok, I own the box DVD set,) I'm pretty sure the actual motto is "Eat Cheese AND die!"

Mmmmm....cheese.

January 09, 2006 4:58 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

As one who used to work and live near the Grand "Forward" State of Wisconsin, home to such awe inspiring patriots as Congressman F. James Sensenbrenner, (Jr.),
I take great umbrage at your jeering that the Wisconsin Dells is the best of Wisconsin.

Everyone who's anyone
knows Milwaukee Beer

is the best thing they got;
(specifically on Friday nights @ Hooligans with two cute Irish/German girls enjoying time away from the Cheese factories.)

January 09, 2006 11:19 PM  

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