FEDS OUTSOURCE COAL MINING

US Miners Relocated to Much-Safer Iran

(Wheeling, WV) In yet another example of the federal government’s benevolent and humane protection of the heroic US worker, the US Labor Department today announced that henceforth the dangerous vocation of coal-mining would be out-sourced to foreign, and thus more expendable, interests. “In view of the recent tragedies in West Virginia and Kentucky, it has become clear to us that there is no need for American men of military-age to expose themselves to harm when third-world workers are more than willing to do so,” maternally announced Department of Labor Secretary Elaine Chao. “Why, in Iran alone there’s enough coal to fuel the US for decades! Workers there have indicated that, once liberated from their WMD-possessing brutal dictatorship, they’re willing to work for pennies!”

The announced move is expected to save countless American lives, as well as save US-based mine operators millions in baseless wrongful death suits and insurance companies the annoyance of frivolous life insurance payoffs. In addition, stock of such diverse companies such as Halliburton, New Halliburton and Halliburton Lite, certain to receive well-deserved no-bid contracts for coal explorations in non-American wastelands, is almost sure to surge and thus benefit the soon-to-be capital gain tax-free American investor.


Secretary Chao dismissed accusations made by communist sympathizers (under the guise of “union leaders”) that the forward-thinking move would displace thousands of hard-working coal miners. “In collaboration with the Defense Department, we have ensured 100% re-employment of down-sized workers who wish to be all they can be,” breathlessly announced Chao, who in spite of her name is actually 100% American. “These new positions will be on the forefront of America’s expanding borders of liberty and freedom, will include travel to exotic locales paid for by the government, and will offer exciting opportunities to learn such diverse skills such as marksmanship, field medicine, and full-on America-loving. What’s not to like about that?”

Amazingly and quasi-unpatriotically, not everyone shared Chao’s justified enthusiasm. Sen. Robert Byrd (D-WV,) a man who once advocated the lynching of African-Americans, called the proposal “radical” in his weekly address to his local Klan gathering. Byrd, who may be one of the last Democrat still living in West Virginia, hinted that his constituents may be too dumb to find work that doesn’t call for digging holes. “Let’s face it, what West Virginians lack in teeth they more than make up for in stupidity,” Byrd may have said.

Meanwhile, on today’s 700 Club Smiting Hour, Rev. Pat Robertson called for the execution of Senator Byrd, and for good measure, asked that God rain brimstone upon Sen. Rockefeller (D-WV) as well. While Robertson hailed Byrd for his stance against the “lesser races,” he rightfully called the senator’s partisan denial of the Bush administration’s infallibility in all things “blasphemy.”