Monday, January 16, 2006

EVANGELIST NOW HATES AMERICA

Fading James Dobson Questions GOP Agenda

(Colorado Springs) Friends and family of Dr. James Dobson, founder of the influential Focus on the Family, fear that the formerly patriotic man of God may be succumbing to dementia. Only this, they argue, could explain for
Dobson’s recent inexplicable attack on the Republican Party, in which the poor, deluded man accuses the party of failing to deliver on a promised pro-family agenda. Dobson, who prior to his tragic affliction worked side-by-side with the GOP in their shared vision of the impending Rapture, now says he feels betrayed by the party he says on gone “limp-wristed” in the War on Liberalism©.

“It’s obviously the Alzheimer’s, or possibly the medicine talking,” astutely pointed out Sen. Bill Frist (R-TN,) who as a trained physician correctly
diagnosed Terri Schiavo as being “just a little sleepy.” Frist announced that he remains as committed to the morally-firm cause espoused by Dobson as ever, and cited as proof his recent support for fellow Princeton alum Samuel Alito. “I ask you, would someone who’s compromised his conservative orientation stand up for a man we all know is a racist who’s just itching to overturn Roe v. Wade? I think not.”


Frist’s sentiments were shared by Sen. Rick Santorum (R-PA,)
a Dobson protégé, who has proven his family-friendly bona fides throughout his scandal-free career. “Dr. Dobson is a great American, but unfortunately, he’s a great American whose mind is obviously clouded by the ravages of old age.” Santorum quickly added that in his mentor’s honor he will introduce a bill that will make pre-marital sex a 1st degree felony nationwide, punishable by stoning. “Clearly, such a bill will negate the need for banning abortion. That said, just to be safe, we’ll go ahead and ban abortion.”

While Dobson’s brain may be as soft as Bill Clinton’s manhood while in the presence of his naked wife, his displeasure, no matter how unjustified, has rippled down to the local level. In Florida, where campaigns to replace the unfortunately term-limited Gov. Jeb Bush have already begun, both Republican candidates recently pledged to be “even more Christ-loving” if elected.
Tom Gallagher has pledged to make the hunting of homosexuals legal (with a two-homo limit,) while Charlie Crist has promised that, if elected, he will complete the dismantling of the public school system.

Not all Republicans, however, have agreed to reaffirm their conservative, and thus American, values. Closet liberal Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) has thus far refused to back down on his call for a complete ban on torture, despite the belief that such a ban would tie the hands of those on the front lines in the War on Terror©. “Once again, Senator McCain has shown his true colors; white for surrender and pink for, well, you all know the rumors,” patriotically stated Senator Frist, who is alleged to have once received a late-night call from McCain in which the turncoat propositioned the 100% heterosexual Tennessee titan. “I think all Americans look forward to me, or someone very much like me,
kicking his liberal ass in 2008.”

17 Comments:

Blogger rev. billy bob gisher ©2005 said...

oh man bills manhood that's a low blow. no actually he is kinda tall.

January 16, 2006 12:18 AM  
Anonymous Dude said...

What always amazes me is that Dobson finds the time to think about other things – what with his obsession with writing about male homosexuality and young boy’s penises. He must be very organized. I’m sure his strapping personal assistant Lars must be a big help.

January 16, 2006 12:31 AM  
Blogger Mary said...

i think we should hunt people who want to hunt homosexuals (have you seen the movie "The Hostel", we could make screwy, fucked up people like this man the prey...you know, I noticed, I got a "touchy-feely" nod, I like that, thanks danger, i could probably be under a schizo post too, but i prefer "touch-feely", thanks! ps. I like that you have certifiably registered all names accordingly...

January 16, 2006 12:37 AM  
Blogger Neil Shakespeare said...

Only a "two-homo limit"? We can't hardly keep the homo population under control that way. They breed and repopulate faster than that. Soon the homos will be invading our trailer parks and eating our bird seed. And they're dangerous to motorists. Especially at night.

January 16, 2006 2:56 AM  
Anonymous lily said...

Not to mention the fact that really, given the possible starvation, its just the right thing to do.
Plus, they don't have all those nasty steroids.

January 16, 2006 7:22 AM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Mr. Gallagher's well thought-out plan calls for a limit so future generations of Florida (who will be required to own guns when he is elected) can join in the fun. Also, as Neil so astutely noted, homosexuals help keep the bird seed population down.

January 16, 2006 9:43 AM  
Blogger rev. billy bob gisher ©2005 said...

rex try again, i left some clues in the comment box.

January 16, 2006 10:35 AM  
Blogger jenny said...

if you grease the poles, they can't get to the birdseed as easily...

January 16, 2006 11:51 AM  
Blogger Mary said...

lol - god, you people are funny...i swear...kills me...

January 16, 2006 12:06 PM  
Blogger Kvatch said...

War on Terror©

I think you mean "War on Terror" (TM).

January 16, 2006 1:50 PM  
Blogger Kvatch said...

Soon the homos will be invading our trailer parks and eating our bird seed. And they're dangerous to motorists.

Neil, I really think you should be more worried about homos coming into your trailer park and redecorating your double-wide. "Those whiskey-barrel chairs have got to go."

January 16, 2006 1:52 PM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

They can have my whiskey barrel chairs when they pry them from my dead, cold hands.

January 16, 2006 2:20 PM  
Blogger mikevotes said...

Hey. I'm not funny, so I usually don't comment, but did you see the priceless quote about Ralph Reed in today's WaPo article on him and Abramoff?

"After reading the e-mail, it became pretty obvious he was putting money before God," said Phil Dacosta, a Georgia Christian Coalition member who had initially backed Reed. "We are righteously casting him out."

Better'n fiction.

Mike

January 16, 2006 4:19 PM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Putting money before God? I read something about that in one of the Gospels. Didn't turn out too well for the money changers. Seem to recall they were cast out as well.

I wonder if any of them were running for Lt. Governor of Nazareth at the time.

P.S. As George Throrogood once said, "Everybody funny. You funny too."

January 16, 2006 4:55 PM  
Anonymous stacy said...

What in god's name is he talking about? You know what this sounds like? He wants some attention- he hasn't gotten much lately with fellow rightwing nut-job Robertson getting all the airtime. And then there was Scalito.

Bush's 6 years in office have been nothing but one big wet kiss to the unchristian right wingnuts.

January 16, 2006 6:47 PM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

C'mon now, Stacy. You know true Christians don't wet-kiss. Air-smooches and firm handshakes are the only kind of foreplay that receive the Focus on the Family (and thus Jesus') seal of approval.

January 16, 2006 7:37 PM  
Blogger Elizabeth Branford said...

I'm not funny either. Should I stop commenting????

Nah. I'm being groomed for Lt Governor of the sixth circle of hell to preside over the heretiks. I need the guidance.

REX, correction: Focus On The Family makes specific exceptions for gropings and feel-copping IF they involve patriotic motivations.
And do we wingnuts not owe a great debt to Lewinsky for her foci?

January 16, 2006 9:04 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home