EVANGELIST NOW HATES AMERICA

Fading James Dobson Questions GOP Agenda

(Colorado Springs) Friends and family of Dr. James Dobson, founder of the influential Focus on the Family, fear that the formerly patriotic man of God may be succumbing to dementia. Only this, they argue, could explain for Dobson’s recent inexplicable attack on the Republican Party, in which the poor, deluded man accuses the party of failing to deliver on a promised pro-family agenda. Dobson, who prior to his tragic affliction worked side-by-side with the GOP in their shared vision of the impending Rapture, now says he feels betrayed by the party he says on gone “limp-wristed” in the War on Liberalism©.

“It’s obviously the Alzheimer’s, or possibly the medicine talking,” astutely pointed out Sen. Bill Frist (R-TN,) who as a trained physician correctly diagnosed Terri Schiavo as being “just a little sleepy.” Frist announced that he remains as committed to the morally-firm cause espoused by Dobson as ever, and cited as proof his recent support for fellow Princeton alum Samuel Alito. “I ask you, would someone who’s compromised his conservative orientation stand up for a man we all know is a racist who’s just itching to overturn Roe v. Wade? I think not.”


Frist’s sentiments were shared by Sen. Rick Santorum (R-PA,) a Dobson protégé, who has proven his family-friendly bona fides throughout his scandal-free career. “Dr. Dobson is a great American, but unfortunately, he’s a great American whose mind is obviously clouded by the ravages of old age.” Santorum quickly added that in his mentor’s honor he will introduce a bill that will make pre-marital sex a 1st degree felony nationwide, punishable by stoning. “Clearly, such a bill will negate the need for banning abortion. That said, just to be safe, we’ll go ahead and ban abortion.”

While Dobson’s brain may be as soft as Bill Clinton’s manhood while in the presence of his naked wife, his displeasure, no matter how unjustified, has rippled down to the local level. In Florida, where campaigns to replace the unfortunately term-limited Gov. Jeb Bush have already begun, both Republican candidates recently pledged to be “even more Christ-loving” if elected. Tom Gallagher has pledged to make the hunting of homosexuals legal (with a two-homo limit,) while Charlie Crist has promised that, if elected, he will complete the dismantling of the public school system.

Not all Republicans, however, have agreed to reaffirm their conservative, and thus American, values. Closet liberal Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) has thus far refused to back down on his call for a complete ban on torture, despite the belief that such a ban would tie the hands of those on the front lines in the War on Terror©. “Once again, Senator McCain has shown his true colors; white for surrender and pink for, well, you all know the rumors,” patriotically stated Senator Frist, who is alleged to have once received a late-night call from McCain in which the turncoat propositioned the 100% heterosexual Tennessee titan. “I think all Americans look forward to me, or someone very much like me, kicking his liberal ass in 2008.”