Wednesday, January 18, 2006


N. Korea Funds Nuke Program Via Mafia Tactics

(Pyongyang) In the Little Sicily section of North Korea’s capital city, young men from the Old Country make do as they have here for generations. The illicit gains earned from street-level crime and fraudulent schemes pay the bills while a percentage gets kicked up to the neighborhood capo. The captain in turn pays a share to the family boss, who then pays his respect in the form of
North Korean Won to the godfather. These days, however, the gravy train doesn’t stop there; now even the godfather must give his due to the nation’s “Don of Dons,” Kim Jong II.

Kim Jong Junior is Tony Soprano with nukes,” reasonably accused US ambassador to South Korea Alexander Vershbow, who, armed with a declassified report that identifies the rogue leader as the head of the world’s largest state-sanctioned criminal enterprise, responsibly called for North Koreans to take matters into their own hands and whack their disrespectful leader. “Clearly, he needs to be pulled from his spider hole at the Bada Bing before the US does it for them.”

Among the crimes Kim “Big Pussy” Jong is accused of committing are counterfeiting US currency, reproducing cigarette tax stamps, and hating America more, if possible, than Al Gore. While the last offense is clearly the most serious,
the US Secret Service, at the behest of the State Department, has revealed that the other allegations may result in an arrest warrant being issued for the Kingpin of Korea. “I will not ask the UN for permission to arrest this criminal, as Attorney General Gonzales assures me that we are not bound by international law,” strictly interpreted Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice. “However, if I did, I would present photographs of mobile labs that clearly show that North Korea, in violation of international law, is loading dice and shaking down local bookies.” While Rice stated that military action against the axis of evil member of evil was not imminent, the world community should know that “all options are on the table.”

In more news sure to overcook Jong’s lasagna, the CIA announced today that via the British Secret Service it has been learned that Jong attempted to obtain from Nigeria counterfeit Sacagawea dollars that might be used to sabotage the nation’s coin-operated machinery. “With this act of econo-terror, Kim “Walnuts” Jong not only exceeds Jack Abramoff in the sheer scope of his insult to the Native American, he clearly intends to frustrate the American consumer in his attempt to purchase soda,” explained CIA director Porter Goss. “This in turn will divert the unsuspecting thirsty consumer to purchase Jong’s state-owned ‘Commie Cola,” and thus fund his dream of creating a mushroom cloud over every American city.”

While President Bush declined to comment on the ongoing investigation other than to say that Kim “Manson Eyes” Jong was probably guilty, his America-hating partisan hack enemies were quick to call for amnesty for the Don of the Demilitarized Zone. “Seriously, can’t we find some way to appease Kim Jong?” treasonously asked voice of the Democratic party Michael Moore, who lists among his heroes Neville Chamberlain. “I mean, it’s not as though
he’s a Nazi or anything.”


Anonymous LILY said...

Rex, you are one seriously disturbed blograde!
I heard that he also sits around watching Scarface ( who doesn't??) and abducted film makers to pump them for information some time back about gangsta couture...

January 18, 2006 10:11 PM  
Blogger Neil Shakespeare said...

I believe our president aspires to be King Kong Jong Bung Hole Don Bong Fong or whatever his name is. He is the ultimate uniter, his people adore him like a father, and there are no Democrats. That's the kind of democracy George dreams of.

January 19, 2006 4:24 AM  
Anonymous abi said...

...and thus fund his dream of creating a mushroom cloud over every American city.

Don Kim has barely enough nuclear material to create a mushroom pizza, let alone mushroom clouds all over America. But the boys in the North End tell me that Kim and his Italian Connection in Palermo are conspiring to create a similar effect with huge puffs of grated parmesan cheese.

January 19, 2006 10:36 AM  
Blogger Elizabeth Branford said...

Neil- I think george is more on the level of idolizing Cartman or Beavis.

January 19, 2006 2:41 PM  
Blogger Blogenfreude said...

We love the Dear Leader! Back off Kramer!

January 19, 2006 3:39 PM  
Blogger Kvatch said...

"I could let you use my nukes, but would be in a position to do me a favor."

January 19, 2006 3:49 PM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

I have it good authority that Kim Jong is responsible for the excruciating long hiatus between Sopranos seasons. If for no other reason, he must die for this.

January 19, 2006 5:19 PM  
Blogger Elizabeth Branford said...

You, Rex of the Spurious Persuasion,are responsible for the excruciatingly long hiatus of Lily from the kitchen where she belongs. A woman reading blogs- not right, in these here parts.

January 19, 2006 11:28 PM  

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