Tuesday, January 17, 2006


Justice Dept. Consider Charges Against Former VP

(Philadelphia) A day after delivering a lie-packed speech in the same droning monologue that kept voters by the millions away from the polls in 2000, former Vice President and sore-loser-extraordinaire faces repercussions far greater than boring an audience to tears. “Citizen Gore’s questioning of the president’s commitment to the Constitution only served to give aid and comfort to the enemy, an act that is defined by the Patriot Act as treason,” strictly interpreted Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, a man not known to paint with broad strokes. “As you all know, as an enemy combatant Ayatollah Gore can be held without charges for as long as he is deemed by the president to be a clear and present danger to the security. While we have not yet decided if this will be Mullah Gore’s fate, it must be said that all options are on the table.”

Gonzales further explained that Gore’s rabble-rousing rant would normally fall under the protection of the First Amendment if it hadn’t contained so many egregious lies that lowered his diatribe to a form of hate-speech propaganda. “What Imam Gore failed to disclose is that when he accused President Bush as being the original violator of the FISA Act he knew full well that President Clinton did it first.” Gonzales was of course referring to Bill Clinton’s implicit consent to the wiretapping of Jesus-loving patriotic Republicans in an unsuccessful attempt to thwart the 1994 “Contract with America” movement that returned morality to the halls of Congress. Gonzales stated that as a hate-crime, the Koran-loving Gore’s treason was aggravated, thus making him eligible for rendition to his native Yemen.

While President Bush publicly expressed sympathy regarding his former opponent’s continuing deluded hatred of America, White House spokesman Scott McClellan crystallized what all right-thinking Americans are thinking. “Al Gore’s hypocrisy knows no bounds,” the astute patriot repeated throughout today’s daily “America: Still Kicking Ass” press briefing. “I think it’s been established that the Clinton-Gore nightmare was rife with complete disregard for the law, much less that truth.” McClellan cited several instances in which Gore was in the past caught in a lie, including his famous boast that he had invented the internet.

As expected, the out-of-the-mainstream Democratic Party refused to condemn Osama bin Gore’s spitting on the American flag. Screeched DNC head Howard Dean in his usual falsetto voice, “I don’t think it’s hyperbole to say that Al Gore is the greatest American patriot that ever lived. I mean, it takes a lot more guts to speak the truth than it does to, say, defend freedom in Iraq like those wussy Army guys”* Dean’s lunacy was echoed by a clearly-drunk Ted Kennedy (D-MA.) “If anything, President-in-exile Gore didn’t go far enough in criticizing the President. I mean, I didn’t see Laura Bush rushing from the hall in tears.”


Blogger Kvatch said...

Ayatollah Gore can be held without charges for as long as he is deemed by the president ... While we have not yet decided if this will be Mullah Gore’s fate, it must be said that all options are on the table.

...inlcuding being forced to listen to his own speeches at high volume for hours on end, a tactic that has proven so effective at our patriotic "Shelter for Wayward Islamists," Guantanamo Bay.

January 17, 2006 10:15 PM  
Anonymous Dude said...

“Citizen Gore’s questioning of the president’s commitment to the Constitution only served to give aid and comfort to the enemy…”

Reportedly, Mohamed Atta was staying at the Holiday Inn Hotel & Suites—Longboat Key, Florida on September 10, 2001 (Coincidently - maybe -just across town from George W. Bush). Now here’s my question: Was the Holiday Inn guilty of giving aid and comfort to the enemy – they can be very comfortable (especially the rooms near the ice machine).

Hey, Rex – I sent you a couple of emails to your earthlinks account…not sure they got to ya. Could you send me an email to webmaster@thebluerepublic.com? Thanks

January 17, 2006 10:51 PM  
Anonymous The Heretik said...

Good stuff.

January 17, 2006 11:01 PM  
Blogger Mary said...

Come on, the guy got the 2000 election snagged from him, I think it gives him enough ammo for at least ten years...please avoid citing Constitutionally why it was correct to deem Bush the winner via the Supreme Court, I liked the speech, but you and I have pretty different views...respectfully differing on opinion but still think you have the best profile out there (everytime I read the "danger" stuff, it kills me)

January 17, 2006 11:53 PM  
Anonymous abi said...

Let's waterboard the bastard.

January 18, 2006 12:32 AM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

I've not yet had my coffee this morning (dangerously drank sans cream or sugar,) so I'll respond as best I can...

Kvatch: You are dead-on right, my patriot friend. However, even I beleive that the torture you described violates the 8th Amendment big time.

Dude: I've always suspected Holiday Inn hates America. I mean, why not "Christmas Inn?" That said, I haven't checked my e-mail in some time (ok, months,) and can't do it from this (gov't) computer, as web-based e-mail accounts are blocked. I'll take a gander when I get home (note to Mrs. Danger-Seeker: if you're reading this, go ahead and check it out...run it throught the "patriot filter" to make sure it loves America.)

H: Thanks (I should write acceptance speeches for award ceremonies.)

Ocb: Danger is dangerous work, but somebody's gotta do it.

Abi: I like the way you think.

January 18, 2006 7:53 AM  
Anonymous LILY said...

OK I just feel dirty typing as Bay. It hurts my eyes. Plus we have more important business to discuss than your sordid past with Bay and Monica.
Why the fuck did Hershey's pick that hippie revisionist mayor for endorsing their industry? Hershey bars, as you know-were the candies of our favorite wartimes. His blatant Robertsonian criticisms are a slap in the face to our legacy. Do testify, Rex.

January 18, 2006 10:17 AM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

I assume you're talking about rabble-rousing Ray Nagin, whose lack of foresight was directly responsible for the devastation of N'Awlins. Actually, I have it on good authority that poor Ray suffers from an affliction not unlike Tourette's Syndrome; he's incapable of keeping his America-hating thoughts as an internal monlogue.

January 18, 2006 11:53 AM  
Anonymous LILY NAGIN said...

Just in: Nagin's references to 'chocolate New Orleans'were in fact related to a planned theme park- to compete with the spectrum of planned casinos. Poor misunderstood bastard...
Did you hear his explanation about chocolate and milk mixing to make a tasty beverage? See, that man is my new hero. I have never heard such a borderline-inibriated remark that hilarious in my life.
I think the same affliction you speak of affects Lew Scannon. But hasn't he been better since the ECT??? :)

January 18, 2006 12:47 PM  
Blogger Neil Shakespeare said...

There was once a basketball player named "Chocolate Thunder". Darryl Dawkins was his name. "Chocolate Thunder". And Nagin's been talking to the Chocolate Thunder God, I think. Which means he's...well, let's face it. He's whacko chocolatethundered.

January 19, 2006 4:28 AM  

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