Monday, January 23, 2006

“NO CHILD LEFT BEHIND” PRAISED



Church-State Education Paves Way for Juvenile Salvation

(Tallahassee, FL) Ever the Christian soldier, the unfortunately term-limited Governor Jeb Bush will not allow Florida’s children to burn in hell on his watch. Thus it was with that family-oriented goal in mind that the man many assume (and rightly so) will be the next President vowed to ignore an activist state supreme court ruling that blasphemously called the
school voucher system “unconstitutional.”

“Once again, the Jesus-hating judges, legislating from the bench, have shown their total lack of concern for the souls of young people,” plainly spoke Governor Bush, who is often held up as the
model of effective parenting. “These heretics will only be happy when they have enlisted an army of children into the Legions of Satan.”

Florida’s school voucher system, incorporated in the “No Child Left Behind Act” co-authored by President Bush and Timothy LaHaye (author of the Left Behind series of Jesus-loving books,) allows children taught by unionized, leftist teachers at failing public schools to use state money to attend superior, private Christian academies. Only in such a setting, patriots such as Governor Bush legitimately argue, can a student’s education and soul be saved. “All of my children attended Christian schools, and
look how they turned out. I have no doubt whatsoever that, after their career in politics, these kids will be heaven-bound.”

The governor’s concerns were supported by LaHaye, who says he was inspired to write the “No Child Left Behind” legislation after leading a Left Behind book club reading attended by President Bush’s twin daughters. “I thought to myself, sure
Barbara and Jenna loves Jesus, but how can we make sure that all of America’s children are not left behind when the Rapture comes?” After much prayer, LaHaye determined that public schools, with their gangster rap music classes and after-school make-out parties, were the worst possible setting for students to receive the hell-averting Word of God. “This is why it is imperative that Governor Bush do the righteous thing and ignore the Florida Supreme Court’s ruling. Thank the Lord, his older brother has shown him the way in how to do just that.”

President Bush also lent his intellectual and spiritual gravitas to the issue. “You see, we need American children in heaven, not left behind here on earth after the rapture like those godless Chinese, or especially the French. Wouldn’t be right, you see. Jesus would get so pissed, you have no idea.” The president further argued that ensuring that no child is left behind also benefits national security. “By establishing an American majority in heaven, we will be better prepared to rid heaven of those who would do us harm. In heaven. I firmly believe this. May God continue to bless America. Especially in heaven.”

15 Comments:

Blogger Mary said...

"jesus would be so pissed you have no idea" - i about wet my pants, that, is hilarious!

January 23, 2006 12:44 PM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

While we here at SG do not beleive in censorship and have never deleted a comment, we must admit that we find readers who see humor in the Lord's Wrath a tad suspicious, to say the least.

While we enjoy our visits to the ocbkitchen, we now can't help but wonder if the site is merely a front for the vast secular conspiracy.

We're watching you (and by "we" I mean Jesus and us.)

January 23, 2006 1:27 PM  
Blogger Mary said...

SERIOUSLY, Rex, you fricken kill me, I honest to god think i may start links on my site just so i can link you....your humor is fucking hilarious...i like on Neil's blog when you called the noise on the phone "freedom static", phew, thanks for clarifying...and yes, i will continue to make you folks wonder on the conspiracy front....hmmm

January 23, 2006 2:32 PM  
Blogger thejerseydevil said...

that shit is great...watch out for that crazy ass teachers union...the can steal your soul just by marking paperwork with a red pen

January 23, 2006 2:57 PM  
Blogger Kvatch said...

You see, we need American children in heaven, not left behind here on earth after the rapture like those godless Chinese, or especially the French. Wouldn’t be right, you see. Jesus would get so pissed, you have no idea.

As usual, straight from God's mouth to G.W.'s ear. No wonder freedom loving patriots can always sleep easier knowing that schizo--I mean--born again George is looking out for their children

January 23, 2006 3:58 PM  
Anonymous lily said...

Aw, my slogan Rex! I'm tickled and touched.

They turned out about as well as Laura and George, I think. Wait- have they run anybody down in an inibriated display?

Oh, for the love of funneling the tainted dollar to the chaste coffers of thy sacred cloister...

January 23, 2006 5:49 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dude I'm not trying to suggest you buck up and join the machine, but your shit is brilliantly written. It is perfect humor, the same kind of humor that is worth dollars, if you get where I'm going. I think you need to sell...not sell out, just your writing. It is Daily Show quality.

January 23, 2006 9:25 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

anonymous,

Yo Dude,forget it, I found him first, and he's mine!



Yes, brilliantly written Rex, I absolutely fear for your family down there in Jeb's Florida.
Hopefully, he'll see the humor in it....

January 23, 2006 11:32 PM  
Blogger rev. billy bob gisher ©2005 said...

i am the voice of doom...


only jews get called in the rapture, or rupture as i call it. sorry, i did not write the book, i am just a reader.

January 24, 2006 12:05 AM  
Anonymous Rich said...

Rex,

I think I am on the verge of blowing the covers off of this No Child Left Behind thing.

I don't know if anyone here remembers a science fiction show quite a few years back title (if memory serves me well) was To Serve Man. The show was about aliens that landed on earth. At first people were very afraid of what they would do here. But we finally came to see they were here to help us. They seemed to be far superior in brain power and knowledge to us.
They stopped wars, they helped to increas crop production manifold, advanced our methods of prduction. They also took some earthlings with them to explore the universe and colonize new planets. In relatively short order earth's leaders came to see our relationship with these aliens as a mutually beneficial one.

Then one day one of the brighter earthlings came finally deduced what these aliens were really doing here. The aliens always carried a rather large tome to which they often referred for their course of action. Being written in their native language we had not been able to decipher what that was all about. But one earthling finally made the breakthrough and came to realize the this book, To Serve Man, was a cookbook.

So too I think we have completely misread what this No Child Left Behind is really all about. It really should be read, NO CHILD< LEFT BEHIND. I think these people like Larry and the Bush's have a hidden agenda. They are really after our behinds.

Like I said. I have not got this all the way nailed down just yet. But I think unlike the people in the story, TO Serve Man, we had best not wait until it is too late. I think also that in large measure explains why Bush did not want to elaborate too much about his feelings about Brokeback Mountain.

I'll let you know when I have difinitively broken the code.

January 24, 2006 1:42 AM  
Blogger Neil Shakespeare said...

Yes, what profiteth it a man, or a woman for that matter, to gain a good education but lose his very soul? Without a very soul you are nothing...

January 24, 2006 2:28 AM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Heeding the sage advice of my kindred spirit Benjamin Franklin, I went to bed early last night, and thus did not have an opportunity to comment on your comments. Rising early this morning (albeit no healthier, wealthier or wiser,) I shall do so now...

Jerseydevil: We Irish Jersey boys are of one mind, my friend. Now, I may only be 1/4 Irish, and I may not have lived in Morris County for 20 years, but I know you're feeling me.

kvatch: If George Washington is our country's Father, then George Bush must be our Godfather. Never go against the family, kvatch.

lily: I beleive a famous philosopher once said, "pay unto Caesar." Or something like that. His name escapes me right now.

anonymous (if that is your real name): It's always nice to see my family's reading this (say hi to dad for me.) As for selling out, never! Ok, maybe actually I already did that. Sort of. Details coming this evening in a MAJOR SPURIOUS GEORGE EXCLUSIVE BREAKING NEWS FLASH.

aj: You're scaring Mrs. Danger-Seeker. She wants to know if I have a stalker. I told her that if excessive America-loving is stalking, well, then yes I do.

re. billy bob: I will pray for your ever-lasting soul.

rich: I think you may be onto something. I'm sending over some people to talk to you about it. Please stay where you are.

neil: As always, you hit the cross-driven nail right on the head!

January 24, 2006 7:20 AM  
Blogger AJ said...

Major Exclusive News Flash?? !

I'm staying home from work, kicking everyone out (of my study), loading up the coffee pot and waiting!

What could it be?!Oprah? Letterman?

January 24, 2006 9:28 AM  
Anonymous lily said...

Rex,
After seriously considering my relationship with America, the dynamics of which were explored in your poll<------- over there... I decided:
I DO WANT TO MARRY AMERICA.I want to have its children. I want to wake up every morning next to its amber waves of grain, straddle its purple mountain majesties.... covet its fruited plain.
I am so sorry I could not commit! Will America take me back, Rex????

January 24, 2006 9:38 AM  
Blogger michael the tubthumper said...

quality stuff

January 24, 2006 11:06 AM  

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