“NO CHILD LEFT BEHIND” PRAISED

Church-State Education Paves Way for Juvenile Salvation

(Tallahassee, FL) Ever the Christian soldier, the unfortunately term-limited Governor Jeb Bush will not allow Florida’s children to burn in hell on his watch. Thus it was with that family-oriented goal in mind that the man many assume (and rightly so) will be the next President vowed to ignore an activist state supreme court ruling that blasphemously called the school voucher system “unconstitutional.”

“Once again, the Jesus-hating judges, legislating from the bench, have shown their total lack of concern for the souls of young people,” plainly spoke Governor Bush, who is often held up as the model of effective parenting. “These heretics will only be happy when they have enlisted an army of children into the Legions of Satan.”

Florida’s school voucher system, incorporated in the “No Child Left Behind Act” co-authored by President Bush and Timothy LaHaye (author of the Left Behind series of Jesus-loving books,) allows children taught by unionized, leftist teachers at failing public schools to use state money to attend superior, private Christian academies. Only in such a setting, patriots such as Governor Bush legitimately argue, can a student’s education and soul be saved. “All of my children attended Christian schools, and look how they turned out. I have no doubt whatsoever that, after their career in politics, these kids will be heaven-bound.”

The governor’s concerns were supported by LaHaye, who says he was inspired to write the “No Child Left Behind” legislation after leading a Left Behind book club reading attended by President Bush’s twin daughters. “I thought to myself, sure Barbara and Jenna loves Jesus, but how can we make sure that all of America’s children are not left behind when the Rapture comes?” After much prayer, LaHaye determined that public schools, with their gangster rap music classes and after-school make-out parties, were the worst possible setting for students to receive the hell-averting Word of God. “This is why it is imperative that Governor Bush do the righteous thing and ignore the Florida Supreme Court’s ruling. Thank the Lord, his older brother has shown him the way in how to do just that.”

President Bush also lent his intellectual and spiritual gravitas to the issue. “You see, we need American children in heaven, not left behind here on earth after the rapture like those godless Chinese, or especially the French. Wouldn’t be right, you see. Jesus would get so pissed, you have no idea.” The president further argued that ensuring that no child is left behind also benefits national security. “By establishing an American majority in heaven, we will be better prepared to rid heaven of those who would do us harm. In heaven. I firmly believe this. May God continue to bless America. Especially in heaven.”