NEY NIXES NEGATIVE KNOW-NOTHINGS

OH Patriot Seeks Certain Re-Election

(Heath, OH) Rep. Bob Ney, in accordance with his deep Christian beliefs, has always been a befriender of people in need, whether they be the salt-of-the-earth farmers of Ohio’s 18th Congressional District, or, hypothetically, well-haberdashered Jewish East-Coast lobbyists with a yearning to help the Native American find his way in this liberally-dominated world. Sadly, morally-bankrupt partisan hacks have used Ney’s penchant for good works against him, and have incredibly alleged that he has been, believe it or not, “too nice” to a friend who sought his guidance. Despite the baseless attack, the “St. Teresa of St. Clairsville” has vowed that he will seek and win re-election in 2006.

Ney, who overcame the stigma of being white and blue-eyed to be elected to Congress in 1995, said he’s not about to allow a smear-job for which the Democratic Party is known to stand in the way of doing the people’s work. “I defy anyone to prove, beyond any reasonable doubt and with irrefutable scientific proof, including pictures and DNA, that I ever accepted gifts from anyone other than my family, and, of course, the gift of eternal salvation from Jesus Christ.” Ney admitted that when the ridiculous allegations first surfaced that he had accepted cash from Jack Abramoff, a former Little Leaguer Ney had coached when not spreading the Gospel to Iranian heathens in the 1970’s, he momentarily considered resigning his seat. However, a private conversation with a famed philosopher with whom Ney has a close, personal relationship changed his mind. “President Bush, after much prayer, informed me that Jesus needs me to do his work in Congress. Who am I to deny a noted philosopher like the President?”

The “swift-boating” (a term with origins in the manufactured Abramoff-Sun Cruz pleasure boat “scandal”) has gained little traction among Ohioans. “If Bob says he’s innocent, he’s innocent. Besides, how can you not trust a man from Ohio named Bob,” rhetorically asked Governor Bob Taft, known nation-wide as a beacon of honesty in government. “We need Bob Ney representing the 18th District and America. If it weren’t for him, the only Congressman fluent in Farsi, we would have never found Saddam’s WMDs.”

Pundits with a palpating pinky on the throbbing pulse of patriotic politics predict that the partisan pickle will not prevent probable prevailing, or perhaps a Presidential pardon. “Southern Ohio is like a middle-aged woman with mental health issues and an inclination to shrill incessantly, in that she should be happy for any man she can get,” opined the mentally-stable 20ish conservative supermodel Ann Coulter. “That said, I can’t think of a single Ohio Democrat who even meets those lowered expectations. Bob Ney’s seat is safer that this country now that Saddam Hussein has been taken out.”

Despite facing certain humiliation, it is expected the Democrats will attempt to oppose Ney with a big-name carpetbagger in a sad attempt to justify their continued, annoying existence. One name being prominently mentioned is Hillary Clinton, who claims a kinship with Ohio voters based upon her belief that she may have once eaten a tomato grown there. “Pardon my blasphemy, but that’d go over like a fart in church,” accurately assessed Governor Taft, who quickly pointed out that he while he had never passed gas in the Lord’s house, he assumed Clinton had and would continue to do so if elected. “We Ohioans like our women soft, pretty, and patriotic. Women like Jean Schmidt, you see. While lesbians such as Hillary have their uses, such as keeping the crows away from the crops, they have no place in Congress. Or in marriage, either.”