BUSH TO MEXICAN INSURGENTS: “TRAELO!”

Is Mexico Plotting US Invasion?

(Washington) Amid allegations supported by infallible intelligence sources that the Mexican army is smuggling drugs and possibly terrorists across the border, President Bush today assured the American people that US armed forces stand ready to repel the little brown bastards. “To those who would weaken our nation with their Mary Jane cigarettes, America says ‘bring it on,’ or as you might say in Spanese, ‘traelo!” Bush further stated that he was ordering the 3rd Infantry Division, who has had a few days to rest up since their return from Iraq this month, to the Rio Grande theater of operations. “There’s an old saying from the old west: ‘wanted dead or alive.’ Something like that. Hard to say. Anyhow, that’s how we want our Mexicans. The bad ones, that is. Not the good ones. A good Mexican is a dead Mexican. No, wait. That is to say, say no to drugs!”

Pentagon officials confidently asserted that the redeployment of troops would not affect the military’s ability to fight additional wars in Iran, China, or elsewhere. “Despite what the liberal media might have you believe, the army is not broken,” patriotically declared Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, whose flared nostrils emphasized the point. “To say otherwise only brings aid and comfort to the enemy, in this case, an enemy who spices his quesadilla with a dollop of America-hating and a sprinkling of terrorism sauce.” Rumsfeld assured those assembled that the army would not conduct offensive missions, but conceded that “all options are on the table.”

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice admitted that the souring of relation’s with America’s southern neighbor dampened enthusiasm over yesterday’s thawing of relations with Canada. “Where once we battled our northern neighbor’s failure to ensure the quality of prescription drugs, we no face our southern neighbor’s refusal to control their illicit drugs. We, and I’m told by John Bolton, the UN, find it disappointing that Mexico has elected to enlist with the Axis of Evil.” Rice confessed, however, that a vacancy in the Axis was created with the sweet liberation of Iraq, and thus it was inevitable that some rogue nation would swoop in to fill the void. “We assumed that, given their socialist tendencies, Canada or possibly France was a natural ally for Iran and North Korea, but it appears that the Mexicans, taking advantage of cheap labor and complete lack of American-style morals, has rushed to the forefront.”

While the White House stopped short of declaring War on Mexico©, Wall Street today reacted to “war and rumors of war” with a sharp downturn is stocks associated with companies with strong ties to Mexico. “We estimate that should hostilities commence, businesses such as Wal-Mart and General Foods could lose 97% of their employee base,” reported retiring Federal Reserve chairman Alan Greenspan, whose mere smirk has caused third-world economies to crumble. The market was balanced, however, by news that Halliburton and Exxon were projecting higher-than-expected earnings in the coming year.