Friday, January 27, 2006

PENTAGON: WIFE-GRABBING OK

Islamic Traditions, Founding Fathers Support Wife Seizures

(Washington) Increasingly, Pentagon officials find themselves defending themselves from treasonous journalistic revelations when most Americans would prefer that they concentrate their efforts on completing the mission in Iraq, and eventually, moving onto Iran. However, in the most recent irresponsible accusation made by the liberal mainstream media, Defense Department patriots once again find themselves explaining a perfectly legal tactic in the War on Terror©. “
The grabbing of another man’s wife, as long as he’s a terrorist enemy combatant, is not only morally and legally right, it’s a necessary tool on the workbench of freedom,” patiently explained Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld in a speech to an understanding gathering of Concerned Women for America. “We’re not detaining the spouses of everyday Americans; these are the women that the men who hate our freedoms love.”

Rumsfeld was responding to wildly-erroneous reports that American troops are systematically detaining the wives of known insurgents for the purpose of using them as “human shields” against future rejectionist attacks. “That’s just preposterous. Why, that would be unspeakably inhumane and illegal, and quite frankly, I would take offense to anyone who would dare accuse the United States of acting in such a reckless manner. No, what we’re doing is dangling the legally-detained wives of evil insurgents as carrots in order to bring about their peaceful surrender.” Secretary Rumsfeld went on to say that while no ransom demands had been made and that the innocent spouses would probably not be tortured or killed, he admitted that “all options are on the table.”

Attorney General Alberto Gonzales defended the seizures as being in accordance with Islamic law, as well as the stated intent of our country’s Founding Fathers. “It is a well-established custom in Muslim societies for women to be classified as property. In the original draft of our own Declaration of Independence, Thomas Jefferson established that all Americans have the right to ‘life, liberty and property.’ Thus it is clear that as our brave troops fight for their lives and our liberty, they have a right to Iraqi property.” Gonzales further explained that the pesky Constitutional Amendments that address search and seizure issues also support the issue. “While the Fourth Amendment protects citizens against warrantless seizures, I direct your attention to the already-issued position paper regarding domestic NSA wiretaps. Simply put, we don’t need no stinking warrants.”

Although he is not obligated to comment on the issue, overqualified Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito added his legal gravitas to the settled debate. “Right and wrong are arbitrary terms applied by short-sighted Democrats, er, I mean people who fail to recognize that everything, including the Constitution, changed on 9/11. It’s a moot point, anyway. You see, these women aren’t American and they’re not in America. Their detention is as perfectly legal as rendition and torture in Eastern European secret prisons.”

Has SG’s Rex Kramer mentioned that his first column for The Blue Republic appears in tomorrow’s issue? If he has, we apologize for repeating it because, well, that’s just tacky.

10 Comments:

Anonymous Lily, who supposedly said...

Rex Kramer, following in the blogwhore tradition.

Aw, who wouldn't want to be grabbed in the name of delicious freedom? These women need to take a lesson from us and learn to suck it up for the cause...

Blue Republic...props for danger. And there was much rejoicing.

January 27, 2006 8:16 PM  
Anonymous Dude said...

Let me get this straight...your first column for The Blue Republic (Koufax Award nominee) appears in tomorrow’s issue...right?
That's thebluerepublic.com if I'm not mistaken. Well, I'll be going over to that fine site and reading your KRAMERICA column with great interest...that's for sure. Wouldn't miss it.
You'd have to be completely lame not to go read it...and comment..don't forget to comment.

January 27, 2006 8:35 PM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Lily: I admit that it's been some time since I openly whored myself, and even back in the day it was out of necessity. I mean, how else was I going to pay tuition, Young Republican dues AND my regular donations to the Pat Robertson Smiting Hour?!?

And speaking of whoring...

Dude: As someone who has never visited The Blue Republic and is in no way associated with that excellent, Koufax-nominated site, you are in for a treat, my enthusiastic friend! I agree that visitors should leave a multitude of comments; they should also consider the singular honor of linking repeatedly to TBR, as well as flooding Wampum's inbox with emotional demands that TBR be recognized for its' brilliant (if somewhat philosophically abhorrant) content!

(Wow. I feel so dirty.)

January 27, 2006 9:09 PM  
Anonymous Anita said...

You're a Bad Man Mr. Rex ... a Bad Man ...

Ouch ...

January 27, 2006 9:22 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

Tomorrow at the Big Blue.
got it.
I've canceled all jobs, interviews, postings, award recognition ceremonies in my honor, and a schedualed power- lunch with Gov. Kaine.

Tacky? No way.

January 27, 2006 11:46 PM  
Blogger Mary said...

Good luck tomorrow Rex...look forward to seeing that utterly dangerous column!!!

January 28, 2006 12:10 AM  
Anonymous abi said...

LOVE that picture, Rex. You and Neil should start a joint partnership.

Good luck at The Blue Republic on Saturday. Kick some blue liberal butt.

January 28, 2006 1:48 AM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

I'm WAY overdue for bedtime, but before I go, some legal disclaimers are in order...

Abi: I can't take credit for the image. I lifted it from elsewhere on the net (Googled "Osama woman.") The pic showed up on many sites, so I don't know whom to credit. On the off-chance the true creator's reading this, my apologies.

Besides, Neil has a gift for the visual far beyond mine (the only "C" I ever received was in art. Alas, Julliard was not to be.)

As far as TBR, my "column" tomorrow is merely an introductary piece...call it "Patriotism 101 for the Uninitiated." Bigger and better things are already in the works. That said, I wrote (then scrapped) a piece about a month ago (before I was invited to submit to TBR) a piece that listed "100 sites better than mine." On that list, TBR was #4...who were the top 3, you ask? Well, that post will run when I catch the avian flu. In any event, the guys there produce some quality stuff, even if it is treasonous babble. If you don't already do so, give them a read.

Going nighty-night,

Rex

January 28, 2006 2:05 AM  
Blogger Neil Shakespeare said...

Good! I'm glad to see they're reviving the sacred practice of capturing the enemy's women and enslaving them. Now, of course, they must breed with them, thereby assimiliating their blood. It's all in the Bible...

January 28, 2006 6:07 AM  
Blogger AJ said...

Rex,

Great first post on the Blue!
Governor-elect Kaine was quite disappointed in my postponing our luncheon, but having directed his attention to your incredibly insightful posts, had the whole Richmond assembly rolling on the floors in stitches.
In another pathetic a*s kissing attempt to be invited on Rex's future Yacht moored off Cocoa Beach, I have taken the liberty to drop your name to a select few well deserving writers, who will, if they have any sense, be contacting you with offers in hand.
Let me know if I should bring my sunscreen.

January 28, 2006 10:47 AM  

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