Tuesday, January 31, 2006

KERRY LOSES YET AGAIN


“Hanoi John” Rides Swift Boat to Oblivion

(Boston) In a scene all too familiar to the hundreds of dyed-in-the-wool hippies who cling to the hope that he has any political future, Sen. John Kerry (D-MA) today conceded for the second time in 14 months that he is so outside of the mainstream that the recently-launched New Horizons deep-space probe, on a nine-year mission to Pluto, will freeze in the unknowable cold of the Kuiper Belt before reaching the remnants of his political career. “It is now abundantly clear to me that, despite my plan to filibuster by reading the names of all the women Senator Kennedy has date-raped over the years, Judge Alito will in fact be confirmed as the 110th Supreme Court Justice,” droned the human sleeping pill/junior senator from Massachusetts. “Just let me be the first to congratulate Justice Alito, and to say that I voted for him before I voted against him.”

Those close to the failed presidential candidate say that, even before the ill-advised call to block the über-qualified Alito’s coronation, it has been a brutally difficult year for the former faux war hero. “Poor John,” lamented DNC Chairman Howard Dean, quite possibly the only man not named “Michael Moore” more delusional than the 2004 Democratic nominee. “Had I not had my own meltdown, there’s no doubt that I would have been the party’s candidate. Living with the knowledge that he was everyone’s second choice must be such a burden. That said, yeeeeeeeeeeehaaaaaaaaaa!”

Poor John,” trial lawyerly commented John Edwards, a man who holds no elected office and yet still manages to get his well-coiffed head on CNN eleven times a day. “Can you imagine how difficult it must have been for someone who looks as nearly-dead as he does to stand next to a man as pretty as me? I mean, look at me! Feel my hair; go ahead and tell me it’s not luxurious, and I’ll call you a liar!” Edwards added that he knew the ticket was in trouble when, while on the campaign trail, supporters asked, “Who’s the ugly man who talks funny?”

Poor John,” remarked his heavily-accented and not-very-American wife Teresa,
who knows a dead husband when she sees one. “I really thought that when I married him he was going places, but it turns out he was, how you say? Just trying to get in my pants. What a loser! Do you by any chance have Barack Obama’s number?” Teresa Heinz-Kerry, who now alleges that her husband plied her with rufies and Cristal in an effort to have her sign over her trust fund to his doomed campaign’s war chest, hints that there may be more than skeletons in Herman Munster’s closet. “Let’s just say he has Barney Frank on speed-dial, and I doubt they’re talking about pork in the government at 2:00 a.m. Then again, maybe they are.”

Poor John,” compassionately and conservatively in a very statesman-like voice uttered President Bush, referring to the man who made the president’s mandate possible. “Who knows? Had he not lied about his war record, he might very well be president. Doubtful, but still, hard to say. May God continue to bless America. And that’s all I have to say about that.”


Kerry’s closest advisors, who include the Rev. Jesse Jackson, the Rev. Al Sharpton, and convicted killer Willie Horton, refuse to concede that his political viability is in shambles. However, at least one source who has been at the senator’s side throughout his career admits that Kerry faces some soul-searching questions. “Where does he go from here? I don’t know,” confessed actress and infamous America-hater Jane Fonda. “France? Russia? Iran? Canada was an option before they went conservative. Even California, these days, is too patriotic for a man like John. No, Massachusetts it must be. Poor John.”


"Poor John's Almanac" can now be purchased at Spurious George's "History of Losers" bookstore. Order now, and we'll include Michael Dukakkis' "Damn You, Willie Horton" and Al Gore's "I DID Invent the Internet" at no additional charge.

19 Comments:

Blogger Adorable Girlfriend said...

I'd rather have a Senator who tries and fails than an ineffective lazy one.

January 31, 2006 1:45 AM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Well, AG, you got what you wished for (and, for the record, if you're old enough you might recall that OJ "tried harder" in those rent-a-car commercials.)

Am I the first person to compare John Kerry to OJ Simpson? Can we get "Crooks and Liars" to verify this? Please?

January 31, 2006 1:50 AM  
Blogger Inigo Montoya said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

January 31, 2006 3:05 AM  
Blogger Inigo Montoya said...

Very funny, especially for a Republican. Hard to believe that you share your values with Pat Robertson, but I've seen you use the word 'smite' on at least one occasion (That's Pat's favorite bedtime action verb).

Keep up the good work, and try not to run over any welfare moms on the way to the office tomorrow.

January 31, 2006 3:08 AM  
Blogger Neil Shakespeare said...

I think he should go down to the Underworld and challenge Cheney for 'Lord of the Undead'.

January 31, 2006 6:11 AM  
Blogger rev. billy bob gisher ©2005 said...

"names of all the women Senator Kennedy has date-raped over the years"

that's a winner, but heinz for her sex?

January 31, 2006 7:12 AM  
Anonymous abi said...

Rex, you may be one dangerous mutha, but you are also a very funny man.

January 31, 2006 9:21 AM  
Blogger Elizabeth Branford said...

Get in her pants or her bank account, Rex? You cynic. Must you take the objectification low road?

I personally would have voted for ter-ayzzzzzzza over any of them.

She would have made Mrs. Alito cry AND probably bitch slapped Graham.

January 31, 2006 11:02 AM  
Blogger AJ said...

"She would have made Mrs. Alito cry AND probably bitch slapped Graham."


Lily,
You are just tooooo funny!

I think you might have some competition Rex, ol boy.

January 31, 2006 11:11 AM  
Anonymous Dude said...

It's very important to remember (Thank god there are photographs) - John Kerry owns a gun, and he kills things. Dukakis may have had his picture taken in a tank, but did he kill anything with it? I think not!

If only the word could have got out during the election in 2004 - that Kerry kills things - we might have seen a different outcome. Admittedly, it's hard to overcome Bushes lead in that area - since he kills PEOPLE...and sometimes retarded people.

By the way, O.J. used a KNIFE - there's no political capital there.

January 31, 2006 11:11 AM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Taking a lunch break after spending all morning at the firing range...can you believe I get PAID to shoot guns? Is this a great country or what? Sadly, we've hunted to native liberal to near extinction, so live targets are no longer available. That said, the sillouette targets we use ARE colored blue; if I squint my eyes just-so I can almost imagine their paper Howard Deans.

Inigo: Why would I run over welfare mothers when I can bring them back to the range for target practice? By the way, you killed my father. Prepare to die.

Neil: All in due time, my friend, all in due time.

Rev BB: Teresa HAS a sex? You're certain of this?

Abi: Thanks. I kid, because I care. About America.

Lily: Teresa as Prez? Sweet Jesus. Haven't we had enough carpetbagging, gold-digging women in the White House already?

Aj: Lily's not the competition; she's on our side now. Granted, it wasn't easy to get her to drop her hippie hysterics at first, but the Kool Aid seems to have calmed her down.

Dude: No, Dukakkis never killed anyone in that tank, but I hear these days he's giving food-poisoning to the masses during his swing-shift as Bob's Big Boy.

Ok, back to the range, where I'll be embracing my God-given, tear-it-from-my-dead-cold-hands 2nd Amendment rights.

January 31, 2006 12:19 PM  
Anonymous RichM said...

Does this mean you don't love John any more? Does this mean you don't care. Oh woe is me!

January 31, 2006 4:06 PM  
Blogger Elizabeth Branford said...

Teresa could kill things too. And she can accuse everyone of partisanship in four different languages... Must...have...more...koolaid...

January 31, 2006 7:53 PM  
Blogger Mary said...

danger, your blog kills me...i am glad people are reading this shit, you're hilarious (that list the other day was awesome!)

January 31, 2006 10:30 PM  
Blogger Elizabeth Branford said...

Rex-
Did McCain have a damned stroke or something?? What the hell?

January 31, 2006 11:45 PM  
Anonymous Dude said...

He messed with that mean muther Arizona sun - She's not a MILF

February 01, 2006 1:00 AM  
Anonymous lily supposedly said...

What kind of a danger seeker resists the urge to crow about Cindy? You must be out shooting shit again.

February 01, 2006 2:43 PM  
Blogger Adorable Girlfriend said...

I rarely get what I want. Thank goodness for my voting powers!

February 02, 2006 12:13 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Have any allegations surfaced that Kerry intentionally shot himself in the foot with this filibuster attempt?

February 02, 2006 12:50 PM  

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