KERRY LOSES YET AGAIN

“Hanoi John” Rides Swift Boat to Oblivion

(Boston) In a scene all too familiar to the hundreds of dyed-in-the-wool hippies who cling to the hope that he has any political future, Sen. John Kerry (D-MA) today conceded for the second time in 14 months that he is so outside of the mainstream that the recently-launched New Horizons deep-space probe, on a nine-year mission to Pluto, will freeze in the unknowable cold of the Kuiper Belt before reaching the remnants of his political career. “It is now abundantly clear to me that, despite my plan to filibuster by reading the names of all the women Senator Kennedy has date-raped over the years, Judge Alito will in fact be confirmed as the 110th Supreme Court Justice,” droned the human sleeping pill/junior senator from Massachusetts. “Just let me be the first to congratulate Justice Alito, and to say that I voted for him before I voted against him.”

Those close to the failed presidential candidate say that, even before the ill-advised call to block the über-qualified Alito’s coronation, it has been a brutally difficult year for the former faux war hero. “Poor John,” lamented DNC Chairman Howard Dean, quite possibly the only man not named “Michael Moore” more delusional than the 2004 Democratic nominee. “Had I not had my own meltdown, there’s no doubt that I would have been the party’s candidate. Living with the knowledge that he was everyone’s second choice must be such a burden. That said, yeeeeeeeeeeehaaaaaaaaaa!”

“Poor John,” trial lawyerly commented John Edwards, a man who holds no elected office and yet still manages to get his well-coiffed head on CNN eleven times a day. “Can you imagine how difficult it must have been for someone who looks as nearly-dead as he does to stand next to a man as pretty as me? I mean, look at me! Feel my hair; go ahead and tell me it’s not luxurious, and I’ll call you a liar!” Edwards added that he knew the ticket was in trouble when, while on the campaign trail, supporters asked, “Who’s the ugly man who talks funny?”

“Poor John,” remarked his heavily-accented and not-very-American wife Teresa, who knows a dead husband when she sees one. “I really thought that when I married him he was going places, but it turns out he was, how you say? Just trying to get in my pants. What a loser! Do you by any chance have Barack Obama’s number?” Teresa Heinz-Kerry, who now alleges that her husband plied her with rufies and Cristal in an effort to have her sign over her trust fund to his doomed campaign’s war chest, hints that there may be more than skeletons in Herman Munster’s closet. “Let’s just say he has Barney Frank on speed-dial, and I doubt they’re talking about pork in the government at 2:00 a.m. Then again, maybe they are.”

“Poor John,” compassionately and conservatively in a very statesman-like voice uttered President Bush, referring to the man who made the president’s mandate possible. “Who knows? Had he not lied about his war record, he might very well be president. Doubtful, but still, hard to say. May God continue to bless America. And that’s all I have to say about that.”

Kerry’s closest advisors, who include the Rev. Jesse Jackson, the Rev. Al Sharpton, and convicted killer Willie Horton, refuse to concede that his political viability is in shambles. However, at least one source who has been at the senator’s side throughout his career admits that Kerry faces some soul-searching questions. “Where does he go from here? I don’t know,” confessed actress and infamous America-hater Jane Fonda. “France? Russia? Iran? Canada was an option before they went conservative. Even California, these days, is too patriotic for a man like John. No, Massachusetts it must be. Poor John.”

"Poor John's Almanac" can now be purchased at Spurious George's "History of Losers" bookstore. Order now, and we'll include Michael Dukakkis' "Damn You, Willie Horton" and Al Gore's "I DID Invent the Internet" at no additional charge.