Monday, January 30, 2006


Unlike Hillary, We’re Getting Better with Age!

(Orlando) In celebration of Spurious George bringing you, the overtly patriotic American, the 100th freedom-loving, factesque-filled column, we present today a list of 100 Reasons America is Much Better Under Bush. Without further ado, and in no particular order, here they are:

1) Thanks to the new and improved FCC, there are now 165 words you can’t say on TV (including “liberal.”)
2) Blind allegiance to authority is patriotic.
3) Questioning authority, finally, is not.
4) Defense contractor stock has never been higher.
5) Same goes for Halliburton stock.
6) Heck, even Big Oil is doing ok (but not too OK.)
7) A man with a 19% approval rating can still be elected Vice President.
8) Twice.
9) Jenna and Bar? Twice as hot as that dog Chelsea.
10) Laura’s not running for anything. That said, if there’s a contest for “Hottest Republican MILF,” well, it’s no contest.
11) Liberals are too stupid to figure out that the “Clear Skies Initiative” really isn’t so much about, you know, clear skies.
12) Healthy Forest Initiative?” Do you have any idea how many people are killed by trees every year?
13) Don’t even get me started on “No Child Left Behind.” Pat Robertson came up with that one. Good times.
14) Sale of American flag have skyrocketed (and that’s not even counting the ones used at funerals.)
15) Saddam Hussein won’t be trying to kill W’s daddy again.
16) Osama’s so deep in hiding that, to be honest, we don’t give him much thought anymore.
17) It is now possible for a Senator to accurately diagnose a comatose woman after watching just a few minutes of video.
18) John Roberts
19) Samuel Alito
20) Harriet Miers (all in due time, my pretty, all in due time.)
21) Nobody is messing with Texas these days.
22) We’ve been introduced to John Ashcroft’s lovely singing voice.
23) We’ve been exposed to Alberto Gonzales’ lovely explaining voice.
24) Old Europe was finally put in their place.
25) America: still tsunami-free!
26) No attacks since 9/11.
27) Hurricanes? We’re doing a heckuva job!
28) Earthquakes? Outsourced em’ to Pakistan.
29) Speculative land purchasing in New Orleans is the new dot-com craze!
30) Red, white and blue is the new black.
31) Tax cuts.
32) Permanent tax cuts (maybe.)
33) An overhauled United Nations.
34) Coming soon: an overhauled Social Security.
35) Coming even sooner: an overhauled tax code!
36) Can’t come soon enough: an overhauled immigration policy (I’m thinking walls, people!)
37) The overdue protection of marriage.
38) Gitmo.
39) Abu Ghraib.
40) Rendition.
41) Sweet, life-saving torture.
42) Big upswing in number of Medals of Freedom bestowed.
43) Faith-based initiatives.
44) Faith-based foreign policy.
45) Faith-based torture of the infidels.
46) Intelligent design makes a comeback.
47) Outsourcing of menial, low-paying jobs.
48) Outsourcing of dirty, grimy manufacturing jobs.
49) Outsourcing of geeky, unmanly technical jobs.
50) Outsourcing of torture.
51) Free-trade agreements out the wazzoo.
52) Less legislating from the bench.
53) Less criminal-coddling from the bench.
54) More up-or-down votes for the bench!
55) Nuclear (or, more properly, “nucular”) option. Yeah, baby!
56) The return of loyalty.
57) The return of political royalty.
58) WMDs in Iraq? No more!
59) Coalition of the Willing in Iraq? Who needed them?
60) Black-box voting.
61) Exit-polling invalidated.
62) Supreme Court selection of Presidents (what? You want FLORIDA to pick our Commander-in-Chief? Didn’t think so.)
63) Soliders actually being all they can be.
64) Marines finally “the few.”
65) Went to war with the military we had, not the one we wished we had. Not that we wished we had another military, of course.
66) Fox News #1
67) Mainstream media marginalized.
68) Matt Drudge legitimized.
69) Ann Coulter? Fantasized!
70) Limbaugh, Hannity idolized.
71) Michelle Malkin’s Chinese eyes!
72) Wiretapping.
73) Crawford napping.
74) New World Order mapping.
75) Middle East democracy.
76) Supreme Court theocracy.
77) Department head nepotacracy.
78) War on Christmas? Won.
79) War on Terror? Winning (but never-ending.)
80) War on Democrats? Just beginning!
81) Housing prices through the roof!
82) Eternal war, red in tooth.
83) Presidential mother still aloof.
84) First black national security advisor.
85) First black female national security advisor.
86) First black secretary of state.
87) First female secretary of state.
88) First black female secretary of state (why do Democrats hate black people?)
89) Less cutting and running.
90) Less freedom-hating.
91) Much less intern-boffing.
92) No cigars in the Oval Office.
93) Rich, white male” no longer a taboo classification.
94) Blame placed where it belongs: on the uninsured.
95) Blame placed where it belongs: on gay people.
96) Blame placed where it belongs: on Democrats.
97) Blame placed where it belongs: on defeatists.

98) Blame placed where it belongs: on Muslims.

99) Blame placed where it belongs: on Michael Moore.

100) Without Bush, let's face it, I'd have no material.

Rex Kramer, who had no idea when he started this lame column how hard it would be to think up 100 lines, strongly encourages you to watch the State of the Union Address, or as he likes to call it, the “America Kicks Ass Speech,” tomorrow night


Anonymous Dude said...

And I was having trouble coming up with ONE thing.

January 30, 2006 5:53 PM  
Blogger Kvatch said...

4) Defense contractor stock has never been higher.
5) Same goes for Halliburton stock.
6) Heck, even Big Oil is doing ok (but not too OK.)

At Blognonymous we say that you can't make better investments than in the Prez's friends. We wisely invest all of our nest egg in Big Oil, Big Halliburton, and...uh...Big Porn.

BTW, the President's speech has already been leaked and Blognonymous has a copy.

January 30, 2006 6:15 PM  
Anonymous Lily Reagan said...

Not too ok??? Record profits are just enough to piss off the granola eaters but not quite reported on enough to piss off the soccer moms.

This was your best yet, I think, dear Rex. That said though, if you would have started saying "we didn't start the fire"
...I would have boycotted your freedom smitten, liberty-spittin, Coulter-lusting, liberal busting MADE IN KRAMERICA ... blog ass.

January 30, 2006 6:36 PM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Dude: You should be at my Thanksgiving table. My pre-meal speech goes on for hours (on the upside, cold turkey rocks!)

Kvatch: A leak from the administation? I find that irresponsible and, quite frankly, enemy aiding and comforting.

January 30, 2006 6:37 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

“Hottest Republican MILF,” well, it’s no contest"

I'm shocked.
I actually had to look this up.
(I need to get out more).
Mrs. Danger Seeker might be having you sleeping on the couch tonight.
And you better get your ass back to church.Soon.

January 30, 2006 7:16 PM  
Blogger cookie christine said...

As lily, suggested, do you really lust after Ann Coulter? I mean she is a fine piece of librul-hating ass, afterall, with those man hands and that sexy adams apple.

But what I'm confused about, is it more patriotic to lust after a librul-hating bush apologist or to be true to your wife and not lust after anyone but her?

Patriotism can really be confusing sometimes.

January 30, 2006 7:39 PM  
Blogger Mary said...

this list is very funny...i don't know whether to laugh hysterically or cry for help...i think i will laugh, you are a dangerous fella danger but you sure right well...and by the way, does anyone ever want to tell me who btw is for real, in my petty little life?

January 30, 2006 7:53 PM  
Blogger Mary said...

that was real question, and I meant write well...agh...anyway, if the whole btw thing could be laid out, in a list, with names spelled out for me in my email box, that would be great, i highly doubt it will happen, this list does rule though!!!

January 30, 2006 7:54 PM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Lily: I will refrain in the future from being too lyrical, lest I be lumped in with the Hollywood/New York liberal artistic crowd.

Aj: You have issues with "MILF"(Married Icon of Leader, Fearless?)

Cookie: Good point, but, like Jimmy Carter, I only lust in my heart. Mrs. Danger Seeker understands. After all, she knows that...wait a second...did I just compare myself to Jimmy Carter?

Mary: I'm big on lists (black lists, enemy lists, etc,) but btw lists? I'm confused (in a patriotic way, of course.)

January 30, 2006 9:59 PM  
Blogger Lew Scannon said...

You forgot Bill O'Reilly on the defensive, (as opposed to just being plain offensive)but otherwise a great list.

January 30, 2006 10:09 PM  
Blogger Elizabeth Branford said...

I only hang in the village as a patriotic mole, to report back to you on the dissident behaviors of the Mapplethorpian rave set... the surveillance of which is crucial to pre-emptive culture war.
I hear those beatniks use acrylics on their own people...

January 30, 2006 10:17 PM  
Blogger Lyn said...

Congrats, Lothlórien Path has nominated you for one of the
"Best So Far" Blog Awards at Bloggin' Outloud.
Feel free to participate, nominate, and spread the
word. Thanks, Lyn from FBO

January 30, 2006 10:35 PM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Lew: Thanks, but even though Bill wasn't named, he did get credit for the victory over the War on Christmas. I expect next year there may be a carol or two that honor him.

Lily: Acrylics? The bastards! I hear acrylic is the new white phosphorous!

Note to self: aj from Lothlórien Path is earning every penny I paid him to lobby for me.

January 30, 2006 11:14 PM  
Anonymous Anita said...

Yeah, Mr. Rex Kramer !! One CANNOT forget that "America KICKS ASS" ... kicks Osama Ass and Immigrant Ass ... kicks Coulter Ass and Alito Ass ... and, well, yeah, just plain old Kicks Ass in General !! ... you got it !!

God BLESS America.

January 30, 2006 11:14 PM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Anita, you're my kind of gal. If I wasn't already happily married, and Ann Coulter wasn't available, and Michelle Malkin continued to block my calls, and Nancy Reagan pretended she doesn't dig me, and Miss Buchanan didn't play so damn hard-to-get, well, I could see us burning John Kerry in effigy together.

Alas, we'll always have ass-kicking.

January 30, 2006 11:23 PM  
Blogger Adorable Girlfriend said...

Funny. Thanks for the guffaw.

January 31, 2006 1:43 AM  
Blogger Neil Shakespeare said...

Only 100, Rex?

January 31, 2006 6:12 AM  
Anonymous Anita said...

Mr. Rex Kramer, don't count out Nancy Reagan .. you know that's how she got Ronnie -- by playing hard to get.

I'll have my peeps call her peeps and tell them to contact your peeps ... and then you'll be set.


January 31, 2006 9:43 AM  
Anonymous Old Mother Reagan said...

Sorry but at last I am ready to commit to Bay Buchanan, since Hillary no longer returns my phone calls... I guess she's too busy delegating tasks on the plantation.

January 31, 2006 11:12 AM  
Anonymous CV Rick said...

Rex, I'm grateful that you're big on lists just like me. . . this one your posted was a fantastic list. Additionally, with this administration in power, I find myself currently on more lists than I ever have been before. It makes me feel wanted.

Maybe the opportunity to be on more lists is something to pitch to the public. There's the FBI list, the NSA list, the enemies list, the contributors list . . . it never ends. I'm in hog heaven.

January 31, 2006 4:53 PM  
Blogger fashiongirl said...

Rex -

Is it strange that I can sing this list to REM's "It's the end of the world as we know it"?

January 31, 2006 10:47 PM  

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