Sunday, January 29, 2006

REX KRAMER SELLS OUT. AGAIN

SG’s Reporter Responds to Yet Another Meme

(Orlando) Spurious George’s globe-trotting reporter Rex Kramer© normally doesn’t make the news, he reports it (in his patriotic and yet strangely non-Pulitzer-winning kind of way.) Rarer still is any glimpse into the personal life of America’s conservative conscience; even his red-white-and-blue made-in-America business card reads, “Your Business is My Business and the NSA’s Business; My Business is None of Your Business.” That said, he has agreed to address the latest meme making the rounds, having been “tagged” by those America-hating bastards,
the Defeatists! Why? Well, Rex Kramer© knows America yearns to know more about Rex Kramer©, and besides, no one reads this thing on Sunday.

Seven Things I Say:

“God bless America.”
“May God continue to bless America.”
“If God, for whatever reason, decides that He’d rather not bless America at this particular moment, may He at least have the common courtesy of smiting some lesser, evil nation.”
“These colors don’t run.”
“These colors don’t cut and run.”
“My country, right, wrong or Constitutionally questionable.”
“You gonna eat that?”

Seven Books I Like (but not as much as America):

100 People Who Are Screwing Up America, by Bernard Goldberg. Not surprisingly, all 100 are liberals.
Unfit for Command, by John O’Neil. The book that saved this country from a bad decision.
The Truth About Hillary, by Edward Klein. I hope this isn’t a spoiler, but it turns out she’s a bitch.
The Tripp/Lewinsky Tapes, by Geoffrey Giuiliano. Much like snuff films, a guilty pleasure.
Help! Mom! There are Liberals Under My Bed! By Katharine DeBrecht. This one gave me the willies.
How to Speak to a Liberal (If You Must,) by Ann Coulter. I would crawl naked over a mile of broken glass just to hear her fart through a walkie-talkie.
Dereliction of Duty, by Robert Patterson. The historic work proves that whatever President Bush’s minor failings, Clinton sucked.

Seven Movies I Enjoyed (and you, as a patriot, should too):

Born on the 4th of July: Ok, I haven’t actually seen it, but it sure sounds America-loving!
National Treasure: Makes the Declaration of Independence come alive, even if it is just a piece of paper.
Armageddon: With a title that conjures up images of the Rapture AND a storyline in which Paris gets whacked, this one gets two patriotic thumbs up!
Philadelphia: A gay lawyer dies during a frivolous lawsuit? What Republican wouldn’t love this?
Star Wars: Again, haven’t seen it, but I’m certain it’s about the missile defense system Democrats voted down. Bastards.
Munich: Hunting down and killing terrorists? Count me in!
The Green Berets: John Wayne and Special Forces. Really, need I say more?

Seven Things I Enjoy About Cities:

Well, the fact is, I hate cities. They’re full of crime, illegal immigrants, and worse, liberals. Let’s just move on.

Seven Things I Can Not Do:

Bad-mouth my country.
Take John Kerry seriously.
Legislate from the bench.
Cut and run.
Change horses in mid-stream.
Forgive Jane Fonda.
Hate freedom.

Seven Things I Must Do Before I Die:

Strictly interpret the Constitution.
Faith-based initiate the hell out of something.
Shrink the government to such a size that it can easily be drowned in a bathtub.
Do something to get Jodie Foster to notice me.
Be worthy of a donation from Jack Abramoff.
Record an album with John Ashcroft.
Crawl naked over a mile of broken glass just to hear Ann Coulter fart through a walkie-talkie.

There you have it America, Rem Kramer’s© bared red, white and blue breast. He won’t be forwarding this meme to anyone else because, well, he’s just not that into you. Besides,
Rev. Billy Bob has a nifty idea of his own, and Rex doesn’t want to muck up the net with too much nattering negativities.

Coming Tomorrow: Spurious George's 100th Patriotic Column! Buy Your Commemorative Plate, Spoon and Gravy Ladle Today!

13 Comments:

Blogger Lew Scannon said...

When is Ms. Coulter going to do a Playboy spread. She only has a little time left before she hits that wall, and once she does, no one will listen to her then. It would, of course, be tatseful, imagine her, if you will draped in nothin' but the flag......

January 29, 2006 5:34 PM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Lew, the image you described is the image I, like all right-thinking American men, have in our dreams nightly. That said, don't look for the lovely Ann to appear anytime soon in a liberal rag such as Playboy. However, I have it on good authority that she's negotiating to do a spread (no pun intended) with the much-more patriotic "Conservative Tail." Keep your fingers crossed!

January 29, 2006 5:45 PM  
Blogger Lew Scannon said...

I guess I'll have to keep more than my fingers crossed til that happens.

January 29, 2006 7:28 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

Ann who?
I, for one,
am patriotically waiting for a decent "spread" about Jenna & Bar....


wait a sec, there's a couple gentlemen knocking at my door.
Probably just Mormons, again...

January 29, 2006 7:32 PM  
Anonymous lily supposedly said...

Don't know about Ann but heard Michelle is in active furious conversation with the Hustler folks...
Do you not think that poor Hanoi Jane redeemed herself in acclaim-worthy "Monster in Law."??

Who knew my hottie blograde Lew had a thing for wingnut anorexic skankapusses...what, the RiotGirlz-t-shirt-Birkenstock-sandal- clad-hairy-legged-vegans-listening-to-phish-
in-Vermont-chicks don't do it for ya anymore guys????

January 29, 2006 8:13 PM  
Blogger Elizabeth Branford said...

And Rex- by the way- good job at your guest post yesterday..tell the truth, didja feel kind of, dirty???

January 29, 2006 8:15 PM  
Blogger rev. billy bob gisher ©2005 said...

thanks for the props, however if i had my meme set up to be tell me the five whackiest things about yourself, some 97 year old grandma in podunk arkansas would be tagging her friends in the DAR. my meme was not frivilous enogh.

January 29, 2006 8:35 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

Hey Rex,

Since you are officially dirty as sin, and have ashamed us wannabees up without shame, I suggest you go all the way and consider consolidating your stuff up and actually publish.

You've got some good stuff back when, why not profit from it? You could name your new published book...ah,

"What Life Was Like Before MaidService" ,
or
"Thoughts of a True Patriot Before Being Jailed"

Seriously, I think it would be a fantastic idea.
Hell, if Ann
can sell a few copies, think what a real writer can do...




*I still want 10%

January 29, 2006 8:53 PM  
Blogger GraemeAnfinson said...

I personally live by the saying "these colors don't run, but they occasionally skip"

January 30, 2006 1:06 AM  
Anonymous RichM said...

Just wanted you to know I read this thing on a Sunday no less. Hang on it is Monday already forget I wrote this.

January 30, 2006 2:43 AM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

aj: I doubt Jenna and Bar would ever pose, but I hear there's a few photos of them and Jack Abramoff floating around the net. As for publishing, the market's sufficiently flooded with pro-America books at the moment. I am, however, currently working on a new national anthem. Trouble is, I'm having trouble with the second verse...not enough words to rhyme w/"Bush."

Lily: No, I don't feel dirty (unlike those type of girls Lew used to idolize before he embraced freedom.)As far as Jane goes, she'll redeem herself in my eyes the day she charges an Iraqi rejectionist machine gun nest armed with only a bottle of Clairol hair dye and an American flag.

Rev. Billy Bob: Good point. There's things I just don't want to know about my grandmother.

Grae: If they skip, could it at least be to a tune like "Yankee Doodle Dandy?"

Rich: Just say no to drugs.

January 30, 2006 9:44 AM  
Anonymous abi said...

You gonna eat that?

You left yourself wide open for Clinton/Lewinsky jokes here, but I don't want to offend your Jesus-loving, moral majority following.

January 30, 2006 2:37 PM  
Anonymous Dude said...

I would crawl naked over a mile of broken glass just to hear her fart through a walkie-talkie.

I thought I was the only one who had that fantasy. Of course the subject of my fantasy is a WOMAN – not that Adam’s appled transvestite skank Ann Coulter.

January 30, 2006 3:10 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home