OH (YEAH) CANADA?

Relations with Neighbor to the North Going South

(Washington) Recently, Spurious George celebrated the thawing of cold war relations with Canada, while warning of an imminent and completely justifiable invasion of uppity Mexico. While we stand by our call for holy war on the southern Axis of Evil nation that insidiously supplies addictive oil to innocent American consumers, it is now as clear as a beer-drinker’s pee that Canada hates our efforts to bring freedom to the freedomless.

Although border skirmishes were common during the heady days of the Vietnam War when American patriotism was at its’ loftiest and Canadian self-loathing due to its’ draft-dodging was at its’ lowest ebb, relations for the past generation have, if not improved, at least evolved into a “don’t piss us off an we won’t nuke your hockey-playing ass” form of mutual respect. All that goodwill, however, came to an end Tuesday in Iraq when cowardly Canadians opened fire on liberty-defending US troops. Despite the unprovoked sneak attack, American soldiers, utilizing superior American tactics, training and kick-ass firepower repelled the craven Canucks and may have killed Osama bin Laden’s second-in-command, Abu Musab al-Zarqawi.

Reacting but not overreacting to the crisis, President Bush sent Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice to the newly-overhauled UN (thank you, John Bolton) for the purpose of consulting with member nations of the Coalition of the Willing. Addressing the General Assembly, Secretary Rice laid bare the dark heart of Ottawa’s intentions. “Clearly, Canada has strong ties with al Qaeda, the same nefarious terrorist network that attacked us on 9/11, also known as ‘The Day That Changed Everything©.” Rice then presented satellite images that, to the liberal eye, might appear to represent southbound beer trucks, large recycling centers, and bakeries “The so-called beer trucks you see here could easily be converted to mobile WMD labs. The recycling centers are just that; collection points for aluminum cans. Aluminum cans, with just a pair of tin snips, can be converted to aluminum tubes. These bakeries aren’t producing American pie; it’s yellow cake they bake! Connect the dots, people!”

Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld assured the public that America’s fighting forces, irresponsibly described as “stretched to the breaking point” by the war-hating mainstream media, is ready to defend the homeland. “C’mon, they’re Canada! They haven’t won a war in like forever! We can so kick their ass!” Rumsfeld stated that as of yet he had not yet been instructed by the President to “bring it on,” but confidently boasted that when the order came, “America will most certainly bring it!”

Meanwhile, Congress today in a rare unanimous vote issued a call for all Americans to boycott Bryan Adams concerts, Dan Akroyd movies, and to refer to tasty sausage breakfast patties as “Freedom Bacon.” Americans everywhere have heeded the call; in Topeka school board members burned Celine Dion in effigy, while even people in ultra-liberal New York and LA stayed away in droves from Jim Carrey’s Fun with Dick and Jane.

Tomorrow's Spurious George will most likely suck, but Saturday? Wow, does SG have a treat for you, the dedicated value-hunter! On SG, Rex Kramer reports from the Super Bowl, while at The Blue Republic, Rex Kramer asks the burning question, "Why do you hate America, America?" Yeah, that's right. Just TRY to sleep Friday night!