Thursday, February 02, 2006

OH (YEAH) CANADA?

Relations with Neighbor to the North Going South

(Washington) Recently, Spurious George celebrated the thawing of cold war relations with Canada, while warning of an imminent and completely justifiable invasion of uppity Mexico. While we stand by our call for holy war on the southern Axis of Evil nation that insidiously supplies addictive oil to innocent American consumers, it is now as clear as a beer-drinker’s pee that Canada hates our efforts to bring freedom to the freedomless.

Although border skirmishes were common during the heady days of the Vietnam War when American patriotism was at its’ loftiest and Canadian self-loathing due to its’ draft-dodging was at its’ lowest ebb, relations for the past generation have, if not improved, at least evolved into a “don’t piss us off an we won’t nuke your hockey-playing ass” form of mutual respect. All that goodwill, however, came to an end Tuesday in Iraq when
cowardly Canadians opened fire on liberty-defending US troops. Despite the unprovoked sneak attack, American soldiers, utilizing superior American tactics, training and kick-ass firepower repelled the craven Canucks and may have killed Osama bin Laden’s second-in-command, Abu Musab al-Zarqawi.

Reacting but not overreacting to the crisis, President Bush sent Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice to the newly-overhauled UN (thank you, John Bolton) for the purpose of consulting with member nations of the Coalition of the Willing. Addressing the General Assembly, Secretary Rice laid bare the dark heart of Ottawa’s intentions. “Clearly, Canada has strong ties with al Qaeda, the same nefarious terrorist network that attacked us on 9/11, also known as ‘The Day That Changed Everything©.” Rice then presented satellite images that, to the liberal eye, might appear to represent southbound beer trucks, large recycling centers, and bakeries “The so-called beer trucks you see here could easily be converted to mobile WMD labs. The recycling centers are just that; collection points for aluminum cans. Aluminum cans, with just a pair of tin snips, can be converted to aluminum tubes. These bakeries aren’t producing American pie; it’s yellow cake they bake! Connect the dots, people!”

Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld assured the public that America’s fighting forces, irresponsibly described as “stretched to the breaking point” by the war-hating mainstream media, is ready to defend the homeland. “C’mon, they’re Canada! They haven’t won a war in like forever! We can so kick their ass!” Rumsfeld stated that as of yet he had not yet been instructed by the President to “bring it on,” but confidently boasted that when the order came, “America will most certainly bring it!”

Meanwhile, Congress today in a rare unanimous vote issued a call for all Americans to boycott Bryan Adams concerts, Dan Akroyd movies, and to refer to tasty sausage breakfast patties as “Freedom Bacon.” Americans everywhere have heeded the call; in Topeka school board members burned Celine Dion in effigy, while even people in ultra-liberal New York and LA stayed away in droves from Jim Carrey’s Fun with Dick and Jane.


Tomorrow's Spurious George will most likely suck, but Saturday? Wow, does SG have a treat for you, the dedicated value-hunter! On SG, Rex Kramer reports from the Super Bowl, while at The Blue Republic, Rex Kramer asks the burning question, "Why do you hate America, America?" Yeah, that's right. Just TRY to sleep Friday night!

10 Comments:

Anonymous Dude said...

I normally find fault with your logic Mr. Kramer – if not your facts – but today I have to say I’m on your side. Have you ever seen how those Canucks drive? No wonder we blasted ‘em. They probably passed on the right too! I think that was the specially trained LA freeway battalion that did the shooting.

February 02, 2006 10:45 PM  
Anonymous The Heretik said...

We should invade their country, kill their leaders, and convert them to Christianity.

February 02, 2006 11:07 PM  
Anonymous Lily said...

"...may have killed Osama bin Laden’s second-in-command, Abu Musab al-Zarqawi."

How many times has he been killed? Does he live in South Park?

And why have we not unleashed WalMart upon them?

First oil, now prescription drugs...I heard the Canadians wanted euros for viagra...it was only a matter of time.

Alanis:"How bout getting off these antibiotics????" Who knew she was warning America to stop its resource addiction!

February 03, 2006 12:04 AM  
Blogger AJ said...

“don’t piss us off an we won’t nuke your hockey-playing ass..”

Ah, nothing like a good dose of Kramer in the morning before having to brave the city rush hour.
That way, if I die in a head-on collision with a semi & a lost Canadian tourist,( or anyone from New York City, lost or not)-
making an abrupt illegal U turn from the far right lane..I'll go with a smile on my face, and a song in my heart.



*Viagra? Who needs Viagra??

February 03, 2006 7:38 AM  
Anonymous Lily --the Patriopath said...

"I let a song go out of my heart.."

Just wanted to tell you that the MSM is all over the Canada thing- the "Selling of America"- CNN is already spreading the propaganda- they are "buying up" America.
"But they're CANADIAN!its not like there's anything to worry about!" spake Soledad.
Yeah, you and Sean Penn, lady. Leave the threat unchecked to fester.

February 03, 2006 8:12 AM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Dude: We here in the Sunshine State are well aware of the driving habits of sleeper cell Canadians. While we assumed their incompetence was due to the fact that they may drive on the wrong side of the road up there (to say nothing of the language barrier,) it is clear now they just plain hate the freedom of our highways. Oh, yeah, and they're all a bunch of drunks.

Heretik: Precisely. I mean, socialized medicine? How godless can you get?

Lily: Alanis, with her hand always making "peace signs," is indeed a jagged little pill...one best washed down by a high-energy explosive round.

aj: Your survival chances in such a collision should be improved by the fact that Ottawa's socialist government now mandates that their people only drive small French cars that run on wine. It's true, look it up.

February 03, 2006 8:14 AM  
Anonymous abi said...

*Viagra? Who needs Viagra??

Wait...

February 03, 2006 12:29 PM  
Blogger Neil Shakespeare said...

I'm pretty close to Canada, so I can be your spy. I'll keep a close watch on 'em for ya! I know, some of 'em slip through to Florida, but I can't stop 'em all! I'm just one guy. Can't you send me an army?

February 05, 2006 9:48 AM  
Blogger AJ said...

Neil,

I can't spare any men, but since abi said wait, it must be important...will you accept checks,visa or drug money?

February 05, 2006 1:20 PM  
Blogger Malcolm said...

"My god I think their on to us, if they have any idea what labatt beer is made from we're done for, and if they find out donny and marie rumsfeld has converted to Canadianisum and transfered his ma$$ive wealth into canadian funds just to be twice as rich, it maybe too late, just take a deep breath and stay cool, and read the Harpoville Post."
..... did I just say that out loud?

February 05, 2006 7:20 PM  

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