BUSH ILLEGALLY WIRETAPPED!

Confidential Conversation Intercepted by Liberal Media

(Cambridge, Maryland) Prior to speaking before a congregation of patriotic Republican lawmakers, and in a setting where he had a reasonable expectation of privacy, sensitive comments made by President Bush that in no way were related to any planned terrorist act were intercepted by members of the far-out-of-the-mainstream press. Even the socialist-leaning CNN felt compelled to call out their colleagues on this cowardly act:

"I want to share some thoughts with you before I answer your questions,*" said Bush, unaware that microphones were still on and were transmitting his comments back to the White House press room. "First of all, I expect this conversation we're about to have to stay in the room. I know that's impossible in Washington.*"

Later informed that his off-the-cuff comments had been recorded by so-called “journalists” who routinely provide aid and comfort to the enemy, Bush righteously labeled the act “irresponsible” and assured all Americans who care about their civil rights that he would instruct the Justice Department to begin an immediate investigation. “Any time you hear the United States government talking about wiretap, it requires…a wiretap requires a court order*. Obviously, the liberal media believes itself above the law.”

The man appointed to ensure that no man is above the law, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, immediately withdrew top prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald from a lesser case and assigned him the task of investigating the unconstitutional monitoring of America’s most private private citizen’s ultra-private communications. “The Constitution clearly guarantees that Americans shall not be subject to warrantless searches, and who is more American that President Bush?” rhetorically asked Gonzales. “I mean, if one can spy on the President of the United States, who’s next? Quakers?”

Despite feeling Constitutionally violated, Bush heroically continued with his speech, in which he reasonably defended the interception of domestic communication between those who would re-create 9/11 (the Day That Changed Everything©,) and insisted that, unlike the leftist media, the government never listens in on the conversations of REAL Americans. Of course, prior to making these self-evident remarks, all agents of evil were removed from the hall. "I support the free press, let's just get them out of the room,*" ordered the President, as is his Constitutional right.

* - indicates an actual quote