LIBERALS CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH

Socialist Congressman Faints at Soldier’s Funeral

(St. Albans, Vermont) Proving yet again that only Republicans are equipped with the manly skills necessary for dealing with the realities of war with a brutal enemy, socialist congressman Bernie Sanders of Vermont yesterday fainted like a woman at the military funeral of native son Joshua Johnson. “Pathetic,” summarized the rightfully indignant White House spokesman Scott McClellan. “Not once has the President lost consciousness at a military funeral. Clearly, those who would have America cut and run in Iraq are ill-prepared to cope with the cost of not cutting and running.” When asked by a terrorist-sympathizing “reporter” how many funerals President Bush has attended, McClellan, always mindful of how such information gives aid and comfort to the enemy, declined to respond.

News of Bernie “Wimpy” Sanders’ unmanly display spread quickly through the halls of power, or in the Democrats case, the halls of little-to-no power. “Quite frankly, today I’m embarrassed to call myself a Vermonter. Vermontite. Vermontonian. Whatever,” babbled former Governor and current DNC Nut job-in-Charge Howard Dean. “While there are those who have called me a shrill girly-man incapable of leading this nation, and rightly so, I have never fainted during a public appearance. Not even during my public humiliation during the 2004 primaries…although I did cry like a bitch for weeks afterward, thus making me a natural choice to lead the Democratic Party.”

“What a fag,” accurately remarked former Senator and voice of the greatest generation, Bob Dole (R-KS.) “Why, in my day, we had a name for folks like comrade Sanders, one that I won’t repeat as I’m a Christian. Aw, screw it, Jesus will understand. Sanders is a Betty, a dame, a broad. That is to say, he has a vagina, possibly even two.” Dole, unlike John Kerry (D-MA) a true war hero, knows better than most that freedom isn’t free. These days, the retired patriot continuously criss-crosses our great nation attending services for the fallen, and thanks President Bush for giving his golden years a meaningful hobby.

Others questioned if the ultra-leftist representative’s womanish act was merely a piece of staged political propaganda, albeit one done in extremely poor taste. “Unlike the opposition, who remain in a pre-9/11 mindset, conservatives never use the tragedy of others to further our political goals,” truthfully asserted White House deputy chief of staff Karl Rove, taking a rare respite from his single-handed efforts to rebuild New Orleans’ 9th Ward. “That Congressman Sanders chose to actually attend a fallen soldier’s funeral is beyond the pale of even the lowest political operative. At long last, does the Socialist Party have no shame?”

President Bush could not be reached to register his disgust with Sanders’ shenanigans, as he and his twin daughters were preparing the world’s largest and most freedom-loving Valentine for delivery to troops in the field, but Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, a woman so dedicated to the President that she slept in the President’s quarters during Mrs. Bush’s goodwill tour of Africa, summarized the President’s sentiments on the issue. “Showing grief, or in fact emotion of any kind at a soldier’s funeral only serves to give aid and comfort to the enemy.”

Spurious George means no disrespect to women, who were unfortunately compared to Congressman Sanders in this piece. We here at SG, of course, have nothing but the greatest respect for strong, intelligent women…chicks like Ann Coulter! I mean, if you overlook the Adam’s apple, lazy eye, eating disorder, straw-like hair, sallow and hate-filled eyes, and her creepy sneer, you have to admit that she’s a serious piece of ass!