SUPER BOWL XL: NO PATRIOTS? HARDLY!

Rex Kramer Reports from Detroit, Home of Some Football Game

Note: This column originally appeared yesterday at midnight...or so we though. It appears now that Blogger is in fact a rejectionist sect that hates America and football. If we weren't against frivolous lawsuits we would SO have their asses in court!

(Detroit) Greetings, my patriotic pigskin posse, and salutations from Detroit Michigan, home of Super Bowl XL (or as we say in America, “40,”) as well as 30,000 former Ford employees who are now eligible for military service! Now, normally we here at Spurious George ignore your pathetic attempts to unload your pro-America angst unto Rex Kramer’s broad, manly shoulders, but on the eve of this country’s second greatest day we made an exception. Not uncommon among the thousands of letters, postcards and scented panties I received this week was this question, posed by an anonymous fan…

“Rex, over the past five years I’ve adopted the Washington Redskins as my, and thus, America’s, team. Still, like the Democrats, they’re losers, and America only loves winners. Thankfully, the aptly-named Patriots have been kicking ass the last few seasons, and so I welcomed them not as conquerors, but as heroes. This year, however, they were ousted by defeatists who clearly hate our freedom. Is there a team in this year’s big game worthy of my pledge of allegiance?” –Uncertain Loyalty in an Undisclosed Location.

Good question, my friend, and one worthy of a solid, fair-and-balanced answer. We here at Spurious George don’t stand on the sidelines on the issue of patriotism. When it comes to questions of America-loving, we don’t need any stinking instant replay. Flip a coin (even an American-minted one?) Not on our watch, mister! While other, lesser reporters from the out-of-the-mainstream media watch game film, break-down match-ups, and, more than likely, get high in the back seat of a stripper’s used Hyundai, the crack Spurious George staff has been delving into the most important, and yet least-explored litmus test: which team loves America more? Let’s break it down scientifically, or even better, using intelligent design! Our findings may surprise you…

Home city: Sure, it’d be easy (much like Monica Lewinsky) to dismiss Seattle as a tree-hugging, latte-sipping, Bush-impeachment-supporting hippie bastion, and in fact that’d be a fair dismissal, if we weren’t so fair-and-balanced. Upon closer inspection, however, the Spurious George reader might be surprised to learn that, just down the Puget Sound is located the Bremerton Naval Base, McCord Air Force Base, and, most importantly, the Army’s Ft. Lewis (Rex Kramer’s last duty assignment during his ultra-patriotic service to these United States of America.) Pittsburgh? Oh sure, it’s the ultimate blue-collar town, but therein lies the problem. Why blue-collar? Why not red collar? In short, why does Pittsburgh hate America? Also, Pittsburgh is a mere 220 miles away from Dover, Pennsylvania, the town that, as Pat Robertson pointed out, rejected Jesus. Edge: Seattle.


Team Name/Colors: Steelers? Now, that’s manly in a completely heterosexual kind of way! If liberals owned this team, they’d be the “Recycled Aluminums” or “Shimmering Platinums.” Detroit’s cars? Steel. Exxon’s oil rigs? Again, steel. The M-16 I use to keep the communist horde at bay? 100% US Steel, baby! Still, I’d be less than honest if I didn’t mention their colors have me questioning Pittsburgh’s manhood. I mean, why black and yellow? Yellow conjures up images of being chicken; is America chicken? Hell, no! America’s a bird of prey, like a Falcon, or an Eagle, or maybe even a…Seahawk! The “Seahawk,” by the way, is the name given to the Navy’s CH-60 combat helicopter, a sub-hunting, SEAL-hauling, ass-kicking war bird if ever there was one. As for team colors, the Seahawks are sometimes referred to as “the Blue Man Group,” and while we find that slightly gay, there’s no denying that blue, along with red and white, are about as America-loving as you get. Slight Edge: Seattle.

Home Stadium: The Steelers play their home games at Heinz Field….as in Teresa Heinz Kerry. Seattle could call their place of business “Jane Fonda Field at Michael Moore Stadium” and they’d still hate America less than Pittsburgh. Big Edge: Seattle.

Coaching: Seattle’s head coach Mike Holmgren was born in San Francisco (pink city,) played his college ball at USC (ultra-blue state,) and played in the NFL for the St. Louis Cardinals (red state.) He began his coaching career at San Francisco State (a college so gay they don’t even play football these days,) moved onto Brigham Young (solidly red,) then moved onto the NFL as an assistant at San Francisco (OK, what’s with the attraction to “hippie city?”) before getting his first head coaching job at Green Bay (cheese-eating blue state.) Pittsburgh’s Bill Cowher, a graduate of North Carolina State (red state,) was drafted by the Philadelphia Eagles (blue state,) before moving onto Cleveland (the patriotic state that delivered in 2004.) Cowher served as an assistant coach with the Browns and the Kansas City (nobody’s redder than KC) Chiefs before becoming the Steelers’ head man in 1992. Huge Edge: Pittsburgh

Players: Pittsburgh’s quarterback is known as “Big Ben,” and although we appreciate the UK’s can-do spirit in the Coalition of the Willing, do you really want an Englishman in charge of your football team? On the flip side, Seattle’s signal-caller played his college ball in Boston, and more than likely was ritualistically raped by Ted Kennedy and several Catholic priests. As mentioned earlier, the Hawks are collectively known as “the Blue Man Group,” a name that conjures up images of the alternatively-lifestyled experimental theater group that only a Frenchman could love. The Steelers’ defense, on the other hand, is known as “the Steel Curtain,” a name only Josef Stalin could love. Edge: None

Intangibles: Pittsburgh loves the snow, Seattle digs the rain. Detroit has a dome. Edge: Push. Seattle’s cheerleaders are the “Sea Gals.” Pittsburgh had no cheerleaders. Edge: Seattle (the Steelers just might be gay.) Pittsburgh gave us Barry Manilow, Seattle? Nirvana. There are no winners here. Edge: None.

Well, there you go, America. Proving that intelligent design trumps monkey science every time, we have proven that the Seattle Seahawks love America more than the Pittsburgh Steelers, and thus, will win tomorrow’s game. We here at Spurious George hope this infallible prediction doesn’t ruin the experience for you, or worse, keep you from watching all of the commercials advertising superior American products while chomping down on American cheese sandwiches you wash down with fine, American beer. And remember, even if your team loses, America always wins!

During halftime, why watch Mick Jagger pretend he’s not gay when you can stop by The Blue Republic for some wholesome, patriotic entertainment? Mom would be proud.