Sunday, February 05, 2006

SUPER BOWL XL: NO PATRIOTS? HARDLY!

Rex Kramer Reports from Detroit, Home of Some Football Game

Note: This column originally appeared yesterday at midnight...or so we though. It appears now that Blogger is in fact a rejectionist sect that hates America and football. If we weren't against frivolous lawsuits we would SO have their asses in court!

(Detroit) Greetings, my patriotic pigskin posse, and salutations from Detroit Michigan, home of Super Bowl XL (or as we say in America, “40,”) as well as 30,000 former Ford employees who are now eligible for military service! Now, normally we here at Spurious George ignore your pathetic attempts to unload your pro-America angst unto Rex Kramer’s broad, manly shoulders, but on the eve of this country’s second greatest day we made an exception. Not uncommon among the thousands of letters, postcards and scented panties I received this week was this question, posed by an anonymous fan…

“Rex, over the past five years I’ve adopted the Washington Redskins as my, and thus, America’s, team. Still, like the Democrats, they’re losers, and America only loves winners. Thankfully, the aptly-named Patriots have been kicking ass the last few seasons, and so I welcomed them not as conquerors, but as heroes. This year, however, they were ousted by defeatists who clearly hate our freedom. Is there a team in this year’s big game worthy of my pledge of allegiance?” –Uncertain Loyalty in an Undisclosed Location.

Good question, my friend, and one worthy of a solid, fair-and-balanced answer. We here at Spurious George don’t stand on the sidelines on the issue of patriotism. When it comes to questions of America-loving, we don’t need any stinking instant replay. Flip a coin (even an American-minted one?) Not on our watch, mister! While other, lesser reporters from the out-of-the-mainstream media watch game film, break-down match-ups, and, more than likely, get high in the back seat of a stripper’s used Hyundai, the crack Spurious George staff has been delving into the most important, and yet least-explored litmus test: which team loves America more? Let’s break it down scientifically, or even better, using intelligent design! Our findings may surprise you…

Home city: Sure, it’d be easy (much like Monica Lewinsky) to dismiss Seattle as a tree-hugging, latte-sipping, Bush-impeachment-supporting hippie bastion, and in fact that’d be a fair dismissal, if we weren’t so fair-and-balanced. Upon closer inspection, however, the Spurious George reader might be surprised to learn that, just down the Puget Sound is located the Bremerton Naval Base, McCord Air Force Base, and, most importantly, the Army’s Ft. Lewis (Rex Kramer’s last duty assignment during his ultra-patriotic service to these United States of America.) Pittsburgh? Oh sure, it’s the ultimate blue-collar town, but therein lies the problem. Why blue-collar? Why not red collar? In short, why does Pittsburgh hate America? Also, Pittsburgh is a mere 220 miles away from Dover, Pennsylvania, the town that, as Pat Robertson pointed out, rejected Jesus. Edge: Seattle.


Team Name/Colors: Steelers? Now, that’s manly in a completely heterosexual kind of way! If liberals owned this team, they’d be the “Recycled Aluminums” or “Shimmering Platinums.” Detroit’s cars? Steel. Exxon’s oil rigs? Again, steel. The M-16 I use to keep the communist horde at bay? 100% US Steel, baby! Still, I’d be less than honest if I didn’t mention their colors have me questioning Pittsburgh’s manhood. I mean, why black and yellow? Yellow conjures up images of being chicken; is America chicken? Hell, no! America’s a bird of prey, like a Falcon, or an Eagle, or maybe even a…Seahawk! The “Seahawk,” by the way, is the name given to the Navy’s CH-60 combat helicopter, a sub-hunting, SEAL-hauling, ass-kicking war bird if ever there was one. As for team colors, the Seahawks are sometimes referred to as “the Blue Man Group,” and while we find that slightly gay, there’s no denying that blue, along with red and white, are about as America-loving as you get. Slight Edge: Seattle.

Home Stadium: The Steelers play their home games at Heinz Field….as in Teresa Heinz Kerry. Seattle could call their place of business “Jane Fonda Field at Michael Moore Stadium” and they’d still hate America less than Pittsburgh. Big Edge: Seattle.

Coaching: Seattle’s head coach Mike Holmgren was born in San Francisco (pink city,) played his college ball at USC (ultra-blue state,) and played in the NFL for the St. Louis Cardinals (red state.) He began his coaching career at San Francisco State (a college so gay they don’t even play football these days,) moved onto Brigham Young (solidly red,) then moved onto the NFL as an assistant at San Francisco (OK, what’s with the attraction to “hippie city?”) before getting his first head coaching job at Green Bay (cheese-eating blue state.) Pittsburgh’s Bill Cowher, a graduate of North Carolina State (red state,) was drafted by the Philadelphia Eagles (blue state,) before moving onto Cleveland (the patriotic state that delivered in 2004.) Cowher served as an assistant coach with the Browns and the Kansas City (nobody’s redder than KC) Chiefs before becoming the Steelers’ head man in 1992. Huge Edge: Pittsburgh

Players: Pittsburgh’s quarterback is known as “Big Ben,” and although we appreciate the UK’s can-do spirit in the Coalition of the Willing, do you really want an Englishman in charge of your football team? On the flip side, Seattle’s signal-caller played his college ball in Boston, and more than likely was ritualistically raped by Ted Kennedy and several Catholic priests. As mentioned earlier, the Hawks are collectively known as “the Blue Man Group,” a name that conjures up images of the alternatively-lifestyled experimental theater group that only a Frenchman could love. The Steelers’ defense, on the other hand, is known as “the Steel Curtain,” a name only Josef Stalin could love. Edge: None

Intangibles: Pittsburgh loves the snow, Seattle digs the rain. Detroit has a dome. Edge: Push. Seattle’s cheerleaders are the “Sea Gals.” Pittsburgh had no cheerleaders. Edge: Seattle (the Steelers just might be gay.) Pittsburgh gave us Barry Manilow, Seattle? Nirvana. There are no winners here. Edge: None.

Well, there you go, America. Proving that intelligent design trumps monkey science every time, we have proven that the Seattle Seahawks love America more than the Pittsburgh Steelers, and thus, will win tomorrow’s game. We here at Spurious George hope this infallible prediction doesn’t ruin the experience for you, or worse, keep you from watching all of the commercials advertising superior American products while chomping down on American cheese sandwiches you wash down with fine, American beer. And remember, even if your team loses, America always wins!

During halftime, why watch Mick Jagger pretend he’s not gay when you can stop by The Blue Republic for some wholesome, patriotic entertainment? Mom would be proud.

25 Comments:

Blogger michael the tubthumper said...

i am happy to report that although they have been trying for years and although it is broadcast here, superbowl sunday passes this country by in a massive blaze of indifference

February 05, 2006 10:51 AM  
Blogger Rach said...

Thank GOD my dh is NOT a football fan. I am NOT a football widow .. now hockey on the other hand. ACK!

Enjoy your day!!

February 05, 2006 11:25 AM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Michael: I can't speak for Scotland, but I have it on good authority that in England the NFL is quickly gaining on the Queen as the nation's favorite institution. Why, while living in London years ago I attended the first American Bowl, held at an impressively-half-filled Wembley Stadium (where, if you can believe this, they sometimes play soccer.) Good times.

Rach: What is this "hockey" to which you refer?

February 05, 2006 11:37 AM  
Blogger AJ said...

Hey Rex & gang-good day Mates!

ah Rex,
Rach, .. is from Vancouver Island...ah, IN CANADA. She was nice enough to take me up on a visit, but alas one thing you DON'T joke about to Canadians, is their Hockey.
Sorry , you've probably lost another future book buyer.

Even so, if this post was suppose to 'suck' then I better sell my PC, put down my pen , give up writing and start doing more drugs.

Definately one of your best.

February 05, 2006 1:15 PM  
Blogger Blogenfreude said...

Pittsburgh gets their asses handed to them - 14 points at least. You read it here first.

February 05, 2006 2:09 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

Blogenfreude,

Nay, o wise one. The other way around. Pittsburg by 3.
Unless, of course, Detroit is nuked, then all bets are off.....

*you read it here second.

February 05, 2006 2:26 PM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Wait a second...I call for the invasion of Canada, and a hockey slur offended?

Wow, those Canucks are a touchy lot. Good thing they'll soon be the 51st state.

As for the score, I say Seattle by 13 (one for each of our flag's stripes)

February 05, 2006 3:05 PM  
Anonymous lily, the patriopathic liar said...

Yes- the disproportionate hockey sensitivity seemed odd.

Last night your blog would not accept my crummy offerings. Lucky for you, Rex.

February 05, 2006 3:18 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

Does the winner get an officially autographed copy of the first Blue Republic Kramerica Post?

February 05, 2006 3:48 PM  
Blogger Adorable Girlfriend said...

There's NO way Mick is gay. He's not pretty enough to attract the boys. Sorry, not possible!

February 05, 2006 5:00 PM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Lily: On behalf of Blogger (and thus all of corporate America,) I apologize you were not able to receive your daily dose of patriotism. We have let you down.

AJ: I'm told the winners earn $78K, as well as some gaudy bling-bling. Maybe not as America-loving as a Kramerica original, but certainly enough to purchase a customized American SUV and maybe even a few gallons of gas.

Adorable GF: Mick not gay? Am I supposed to ignore all those Jagger-Bowie rumors?

February 05, 2006 5:46 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

God Rex, your pic & sidebar of Barry is still craking me up! My thoughts to a T...

Adorable Girlfriend hon,

Mick may not be, but he can BUY any damn thing he wants to. Ever hear of impulse purchases?

Anyway, consider
Madeline Albright (aka Jabba-the-Hut),

Can you really envision a normal, red blooded, rational,
living
human being
actually wanting to see her naked??? God the nightmares....




Damn, and people think I'm
a conspiracy theorist...

February 05, 2006 5:53 PM  
Blogger Rach said...

Yes I'm Canadian but you're lucky I'm not a die hard hockey fan. You have to try hard in order to offend me, although I do take some sensitivity to your comment on us becoming the 51st State. I believe now that our Political leaders are fresh (just had a federal election) we shall now be on the road to new and better things. That concludes my political knowings tho. ;)

Mick Jaggar gay? Who ISN'T gay anymore. Sheesh!

February 05, 2006 6:24 PM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Rach: The socialist left has attempted to foist hockey on those of us south of the Mason-Dixon for decades now, and as a result, homosexuality has indeed increased in the Southern states (smile when you say "Southern.") In fact, I think a Heritage Foundation position paper on the effects of NHL expansion on increases in the alternative lifestyle population is well overdue.

As far as lack of "political knowings," let me assure that we on the right like our voters like we like our women, uninformed, and if possible, drunk.

February 05, 2006 6:41 PM  
Blogger Rach said...

"As far as lack of "political knowings," let me assure that we on the right like our voters like we like our women, uninformed, and if possible, drunk"

Said like a true man! :P
Unfortunatly I don't drink often .. well except for the odd glass of wine.

You totally lost me with your comments on homosexuality and hockey. All the hockey players I've ever heard about, met (okay so there's not many I've actually met), see interviewed etc certainly don't look gay to me. So what makes you think the two have anything to do with eachother?

Oh and before you tell me stereotyping isn't accurate (referring to my own comment about NHL players not looking gay to me)I already know that. I just couldn't think of a different way of explaining it at the moment. :P

February 05, 2006 6:56 PM  
Anonymous Anita said...

Mick was gay once, but now he's not. Or maybe he's bi-sexual.

Does that settle things?

February 05, 2006 7:10 PM  
Anonymous Anita said...

Oh, and what about the guys from the 82nd Airborne Division? Allegedly taking part in gay porn.

Goes to show you can't tell who's gay and who's not by how macho they are or aren't.

February 05, 2006 7:13 PM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Well, I will grant you that, Anita. As a young danger-seeker, I admit that I found those Village People fellas macho in the extreme (I mean, they had a song titled "Macho Man," for Rock Hudson's sake!)

Now, I can't speak for those airborne guys, but I can assure you that everyone I served with in the 1st Armored Division and the 2nd Infantry Division was as heterosexual as they come. I showered with these guys, so, well, I'm pretty sure they were. Please tell me they were.

P.S. (to Rach) Don't take me seriously. No one else does...well, except my daughters.

P.P.S. I'm blogging while only LISTENING to the Super Bowl. Does that make me gay?

February 05, 2006 7:30 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

OK Rex & Blogen-,

Half time and the Iron's kicking ass.
Well, maybe not kicking ass a lot, but wait till next half...
Care to take back your words in time to save a little face?

February 05, 2006 8:01 PM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Please. Like the President demands, I will stay the course.

Besides, as I sit here watching halftime, my suspicions re: Mr. Jagger have been confirmed. Why shouldn't my final score call be as well?

February 05, 2006 8:13 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

Alas,
I offered truce but it has been refused.
So be it.
May God show mercy on you, your materialistic culture and large screen TV sets.

February 05, 2006 8:20 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

My My,

Did I say by 3?
I meant by 30.
My bad.

February 05, 2006 9:33 PM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

AJ: Are you taking comfort in the fact that the more America-hating team was victorious? I find this distressing...as do my friends in the NSA.

Anyway, all hail the defeatist Steelers (for now...my Tampa Bay Bucs are merely biding their time.)

February 05, 2006 11:04 PM  
Blogger Blogenfreude said...

Kramer, I'd like to change that prediction above, if I might ....

February 06, 2006 9:37 AM  
Blogger Drew said...

It's obvious that these so-called referrees are minions of Diebold Corp. Inc.
I cry foul. I cry bullshit. I cry (alot this morning actually).

February 06, 2006 12:48 PM  

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