BUSH: “THE ENVIRO-FRIENDLY PRESIDENT”

W Heroically Saves Polar Bears from Certain Extinction

(Washington) President Bush, a life-long supporter of environmental causes, today announced he will save endangered polar bears by removing them from the barren and lifeless wasteland of the Artic National Wildlife Reserve (ANWR) and placing them lovingly into the nation’s zoos and circuses. “My science advisors tell me that nothing can survive Mother Nature’s brutal dictatorship in the ANWR, not even the mighty, freedom-loving polar bear,” explained the President to a gathering of schoolchildren and oil company executives at Washington’s National Zoo. “By liberating these noble creatures, we will make America safer, as well as provide countless million of visitors to our nation’s zoos with endless hours of their clownish antics.” President Bush further explained, using small, monosyllabic words, that the polar bear’s natural habitat had become saturated with excessive, untapped domestic oil that literally oozes from the ground. As a result, the bear population’s health has declined, while the nation’s insatiable addiction to foreign oil has increased.

While the President’s intentions are noble and completely free of oil-lobbyist influence, he admitted that removing every arctic creature from their hellish environment would create a burden for the over-taxed citizen, and could even jeopardize his plan to make last year’s righteous tax cuts permanent. Thus, at the behest of his intelligent design advisors, the USS Ark was christened for the purpose of evacuating two of each species from God’s wrath. Even the operating costs of the Ark will in no way affect the ever-shrinking federal deficit, as the patriotic people at Exxon, in a shining example of faith-based initiativeness, have volunteered their time and services.



The project, dubbed the “Pro-active, Unilateral and Magnanimous Protection Of Indigenous Lesser-animals (PUMPOIL,) has been hailed by patriotic American and tree-hugger alike. Enthusiastically exclaimed Sierra Club executive director Carl Pope, “Well I guess saving two of each species is better than killing them all.” Breathlessly added World Wildlife Fund president Carter Roberts, “Sadly, this minimal effort on the part of the president marks his greatest environmental achievement.”

Praise for Bush’s inspired plan was not exclusive to the Birkenstock-wearing crowd. Rev. Pat Robertson dedicated a portion of his 700 Club Smiting Hour to personally thanking the Environmentalist-in-Chief for his dedication to the Christian ethics of love and compassion. “God gave us dominion over the beast, but with domination comes responsibility. President Bush has proven he responsibly heeds the warning signs of the coming Rapture, and has taken it upon himself to ensure that even the lowliest of critters finds a place in heaven.” Robertson added, however, that the President should make certain that no Jews or Catholics, whom he described as being “lower than the whale shit on the floor of the Arctic Ocean,” be allowed to board the Arc.

NRA figurehead and friend of wild critters Charlton Heston also lent his Biblical gravitas in support of the initiative. The animals left behind, Heston announced, would at long last be made eligible for game hunting. “With President Bush guaranteeing the continued existence of the lesser beasts, there’s no reason for the coddling penguin-huggers to stand in the way of every American’s God-given Second Amendment rights. I don’t think I’m speaking out of church when I say, ‘daddy needs a new pair of caribou shoes.”

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