Wednesday, February 08, 2006

BUSH: “THE ENVIRO-FRIENDLY PRESIDENT”

W Heroically Saves Polar Bears from Certain Extinction

(Washington) President Bush, a life-long supporter of environmental causes, today announced
he will save endangered polar bears by removing them from the barren and lifeless wasteland of the Artic National Wildlife Reserve (ANWR) and placing them lovingly into the nation’s zoos and circuses. “My science advisors tell me that nothing can survive Mother Nature’s brutal dictatorship in the ANWR, not even the mighty, freedom-loving polar bear,” explained the President to a gathering of schoolchildren and oil company executives at Washington’s National Zoo. “By liberating these noble creatures, we will make America safer, as well as provide countless million of visitors to our nation’s zoos with endless hours of their clownish antics.” President Bush further explained, using small, monosyllabic words, that the polar bear’s natural habitat had become saturated with excessive, untapped domestic oil that literally oozes from the ground. As a result, the bear population’s health has declined, while the nation’s insatiable addiction to foreign oil has increased.

While the President’s intentions are noble and completely free of oil-lobbyist influence, he admitted that removing every arctic creature from their hellish environment would create a burden for the over-taxed citizen, and could even jeopardize his plan to make last year’s righteous tax cuts permanent. Thus, at the behest of his intelligent design advisors, the USS Ark was christened for the purpose of evacuating two of each species from God’s wrath. Even the operating costs of the Ark will in no way affect the ever-shrinking federal deficit, as the patriotic people at Exxon, in a shining example of faith-based initiativeness, have volunteered their time and services.



The project, dubbed the “Pro-active, Unilateral and Magnanimous Protection Of Indigenous Lesser-animals (PUMPOIL,) has been hailed by patriotic American and tree-hugger alike. Enthusiastically exclaimed Sierra Club executive director Carl Pope, “Well I guess saving two of each species is better than killing them all.” Breathlessly added World Wildlife Fund president Carter Roberts, “Sadly, this minimal effort on the part of the president marks his greatest environmental achievement.”

Praise for Bush’s inspired plan was not exclusive to the Birkenstock-wearing crowd. Rev. Pat Robertson dedicated a portion of his 700 Club Smiting Hour to personally thanking the Environmentalist-in-Chief for his dedication to the Christian ethics of love and compassion. “God gave us dominion over the beast, but with domination comes responsibility. President Bush has proven he responsibly heeds the warning signs of the coming Rapture, and has taken it upon himself to ensure that even the lowliest of critters finds a place in heaven.” Robertson added, however, that the President should make certain that no Jews or Catholics, whom he described as being “lower than the whale shit on the floor of the Arctic Ocean,” be allowed to board the Arc.

NRA figurehead and friend of wild critters Charlton Heston also lent his Biblical gravitas in support of the initiative. The animals left behind, Heston announced, would at long last be made eligible for game hunting. “With President Bush guaranteeing the continued existence of the lesser beasts, there’s no reason for the coddling penguin-huggers to stand in the way of every American’s God-given Second Amendment rights. I don’t think I’m speaking out of church when I say, ‘daddy needs a new pair of caribou shoes.”

Spurious George, like the President, needs your support. Our "links section," much like the liberal agenda, is woefully lacking. In your comment, won't you include a site worthy of a SG link? While we, of course, prefer the more patriotic of internet portals, we'll also grudgingly accept those that may be filed under the "enemies list." Heck, feel free to even whore your own site if it isn't already listed.

11 Comments:

Anonymous Lily (absent from photo) said...

I'm honored to be among the enemies, Rex.

But shrinking deficit? there's no deficit. There's just a difference of opinion regarding accounting.

Why can't we just make steaks and coats out of the damn things?

And the damned caribou.Drop em on the permafrost and grill them on site.

February 08, 2006 10:18 PM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

"There's just a difference of opinion regarding accounting."

Lily, can I introduce you to Ken Lay's defense team? They could use a gal like you!

February 08, 2006 10:51 PM  
Anonymous RichM said...

I guess the answer to the question, "Does a bear shit in the woods? Will no longer be a resounding yes if Bush has anything to do with it. But then again there really never enough trees in the polar region to make a woods anyhow.

February 09, 2006 4:34 AM  
Blogger Lew Scannon said...

It's nice to see ExxonMobil taking some corporate responsibility. After all, when the polar ice caps melt due to excessive auto emissions from products generously provided by ExxonMobil, at least the animal species will be protected. Do you think there'll be room for a couple Democrats as well?

February 09, 2006 5:58 AM  
Blogger AJ said...

"Heck, feel free to even whore your own site if it isn't already listed."

I, like Lily, have whored myself out for months now...and what do I get for this shameless nobility?
My kids demanding I spend less free time on the comp and play , or at least purchase them an XBOX 360.

I think I feel a coup coming...

February 09, 2006 8:39 AM  
Blogger Neil Shakespeare said...

Well, you know, you gotta herd 'em into one place so Jesus can find 'em! And then you gotta week 'em out so as to keep only the good ones. We gotta HELP Jesus on this, lest HE decide HE doesn't want to let US in. We each much do our part. Besides, there are far too many species already. We don't need so many.

February 09, 2006 11:31 AM  
Blogger Adorable Girlfriend said...

You have got to be kidding me. What "design" scientist did he talk to? The munchtard who is reading, Of Panda's and Idiots?

Can this moron sink any lower? Who the hell voted this dumb ass into office anyway? Perhaps we can relocated said persons to the AWR!

February 09, 2006 11:34 AM  
Blogger Drew said...

1# on the Threat Down... BEARS.

February 09, 2006 4:04 PM  
Anonymous Dude said...

ANWR...what is it good for? Ab-so-lute-ly NUTHIN'!

I love that joke...

February 09, 2006 6:39 PM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Commenting on the comments...

RichM: Have you ever stepped in bear shit? Trust me, our President is doing us a favor.

Lew: The world is a better place because we have bears in it. Democrats? Not so much.

AJ: My kids whine about wanting me to play with them. Ingrates.

Neil: Anyone who's ever been to a zoo would agree that there's WAY too many species of critters. For example, here in FL there are approximately 7,895 species that bite, sting, gnaw, slash, claw, or nibble human flesh. I say we whack them all before they start getting ideas.

AG: Who voted this dumb as into office? Well, only 51% of Americans. Where I come from, that's a mandate!

Drew: Joke away, but down here bears are the #1 cause of animal-inflicted traumatic vehicle damage. It's become so bad that all Hummers sold in FL must have a "bear-catcher" installed. Sure, it reduces fuel economy to 1 mpg, but can you really put a price on good bear relations?

February 09, 2006 6:43 PM  
Blogger justin barker said...

Dang I've been glued to "The Official George W. Bush "Days Left In Office" Countdown:"
for the last eight hours. That's no way to get work done.

February 12, 2006 2:21 PM  

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