Tuesday, February 07, 2006

“I DO NOT LIKE GREEN SALT, IRAN”

Rice Rejects Iran’s “Seasoning of Death”

(New York) Peer into the Kitchen Pantry of America-Hating and you’re likely to find the staples of any rejectionist’s diet: a slice of yellow cake, a jar of mustard gas, and, more than likely, French bread. Tucked away in the recesses of the top shelf, however, glows the most evil of ingredients: the dreaded green salt.

“Infallible American intelligence has revealed that
Iran, continuing to rotate on it’s axis of evil, is attempting to obtain green salt, or as it is known by it’s more common name, ‘the seasoning of death,” reasonably asserted Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, herself no slouch in the kitchen. “Top government scientists, excuse me, intelligent designers, tell me that this ingredient is necessary for the manufacture of nuclear, excuse me, ‘nucular’ weapons.” While Rice admitted that the level of proof was not up to the same high standards as that presented against Iraq prior to the liberation of that nation, she warned that the first definitive piece of evidence could be a “giant green, salty mushroom cloud over a major U.S. city.”

No less of an authority than Surgeon General Vice Admiral Richard H. Carmona called the islamo-fascist regime’s attempts to obtain the Satanic Seasoning “the greatest threat to American lives since the poison paprika scare of 1998.” Remarked the soldier-scientist, “Anytime you combine salt, a leading cause of hypertension, with just a spoonful of pure evil, I can assure you it’s a recipe for disaster.”

Without revealing information that might give aid and comfort to the enemy, Attorney General gave credit to the NSA’s Constitutionally-sound warrantless domestic wiretapping for discovering Tehran’s nefarious plans. “Had the NSA not learned that Ahmad Kheomani, an Iranian “student” attending an adult-school cooking class, was planning on throwing a party at his apartment, we’d have never been able to have an undercover agent swipe his laptop. Not just any laptop, but an evil one that contained a file labeled, ‘the Green Salt Project.’ Connect the dots, people.” While those classmates who have not yet been rendered to third-world prisons defended Kheomani by falsely stating that his project was in fact a recipe for manufacturing seasonings aimed at St. Patrick’s Day diners, Gonzales dismissed the statements as the rantings of “a bunch of hippie America-haters.”

Secretary Rice stated that she intends to add this newest development to her presentation before the UN Security Council, in which she will call for sanctions, and eventually shocking and awesome war, on Iran. “Thank God we have a right-thinking man such as John Bolton presiding over the Security Council this month, and not some namby-pamby surrender-monkey Frenchman.”

9 Comments:

Blogger Jeff said...

Hmmmm - green salt.

I haven't had that since I ate a chowder of tuberculosis, mixed with bay leaves of despair.

It really pepped up my meal (and my mood, oddly enough)!

February 08, 2006 1:44 AM  
Blogger Mary said...

I can read, any, one, random sentence out of your entire thing and it is funny, that's talent, your shit is funny sentence by sentence...

February 08, 2006 2:44 AM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Jeff: It sounds like you have stumbled over the Seething Spicerack of Sin. Beware the Ominous Oregeno!

Mary: Thanks...it's amazing what excess patriotism (if that's even possible) and some cheap whiskey can accomplish!

February 08, 2006 8:15 AM  
Blogger rev. billy bob gisher ©2005 said...

until I read your post, I had no idea that condi rice, was a Southern belle.

February 08, 2006 4:07 PM  
Blogger Kvatch said...

Don't believe folks! Iran's acquisition of Green Salt is a hoax, discredited by none other than Master Chef (and superspy) Paul Prudhomme himself.

Bu$hCo is gearing up even as we speak to "out" Mr. Prudhomme's cat in retaliation for intefering with their evil plot to foist paprika non-proliferation on the UN.

February 08, 2006 4:22 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

Very little is known about Ann Coulter's secret marriage to Richard Daley's love child.....


A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.

"Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly.

"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

"He said you're going to die," she replied.

February 08, 2006 5:55 PM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Rev BB: The good doctor Rice is more of a Renaissance Woman. Academian, leader, domestic goddess...she has it all (well, except a man, and, no, that doesn't make her a "friend of Hillary.")

Kvatch: Red Paprika was soooo cold war. No, green salt is the real menace. Not only can it kill millions and hate our freedom, it just looks icky in a crystal shaker.

AJ: If Ann needed a man, I have no doubt that she would fulfill all the orders given by the doctor...while naked, hair perfectly coiffed, and pearls around her neck.

February 08, 2006 6:53 PM  
Anonymous The Rectum of Charles Grodin said...

Would you, could you, in a car?

February 08, 2006 10:24 PM  
Blogger Neil Shakespeare said...

What color is the nuclear pepper?

February 09, 2006 11:34 AM  

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