Tuesday, February 14, 2006

LOVE, REPUBLICAN STYLE

Barbara Bush Shares Her Secrets for Hot, Neocon Lovin’

Ed. Note: Every year on Valentine’s Day since 1988, Spurious George cedes control of this space to the country’s compassionate conservative of cupid-concerned questions, Barbara “Hot Mama” Bush. Ignore her amorous advice at your own risk!

Well, howdy all, and happy V-Day from your white-haired woman of wunder-“Bar” wisdom, Barbara Bush (you just call me “Hot Mama!”) Isn’t Valentine’s Day just wonderful? I mean, even those who lost their homes and family in New Orleans must feel quite fortunate today, even if their loved ones are all dead. But let’s not waste our beautiful minds on such morose matters; those who are dead are beyond help. Let’s concentrate our prayers and my considerable talents on helping the living…the living, but yet sadly lovelorn.

“Dear Bar: I fear my heart is in its last throes. I love a man who’s far away in Texas, and whom I wish I could just quit. Every year we meet for a weekend getaway, and even though we’re approximately 14 hours away from any form of communication, I just feel the whole world is watching me when I try to tell him how I feel. Worse, while he gives me money every four years or so, I’m not sure if he really cares. -Dick C in Undisclosed Location.”

Well, Dick, I think your biggest obstacle is having a boy’s name. No real Texas man wants to get intimate with a “Dick.” Once you’ve changed your name, why not suggest the two of you do something he enjoys? Maybe something manly like, oh, I don’t know, quail hunting! When you two love birds are alone, sneak up close behind him and make “accidental” contact (men love it when women get aggressive.) Maybe give him a few love taps, but nothing that’d cause any life-threatening injury.

“Dear Hot Mama: I’m a successful, intelligent career woman who looks breathtaking in high-end shoes or a flight suit, and yet I’m afraid I’ve made the oldest of romantic faux pas…I’ve fallen in love with my (married) boss. I’ve tried to hide my feelings for him, but to no avail. A powerful man, every decision he makes is insightful, well thought-out and patriotic as hell! Forgive me, but whenever he says ‘nucular’ I get in tingle in my unmentionables (don’t even get me started on what happens when he mentions ‘defeatists!’) I don’t want to be known as the “Secretary of Home-Wrecking,” but I can’t help but feel that God wants us to be together. Are all options on the table? -Condi in Conundrum”

You, my dear, are a dirty whore! You remind me of this slutty bitch that works for my Georgie (I’m too much of a lady to name names, but hers rhymes with ‘Fondopeeza Mice.’) Every night like a good boy he calls his mama and tells me all about the colored woman with a goofy smile who wants to get into his Fruit of the Looms. I mean, he pulled this woman up from whatever ghetto she was selling drugs in, and what does he get for it? Constant x-rated ebonic sexual harassment, that’s what! Condi (if that is your real name,) I suggest you find Jesus, and when you do, ask him to kick you in your over-sized ass. Bitch.

“Dear BB: When my husband was the family bread-winner, I bit my long, probing tongue when he cheated on me, but now that he’s unemployed and I’m wearing the pants I’m about to put my Doc Martins down! I swear, Hot Mama (are you really hot?) I’m so angry I’ve learned to hate all men! My friends tell me I should just lick my problem, take the dive and leave him, but I’m not so sure. I have rented a separate place in the Village (a cute little thing with no closets,) but thus far have only used it to host weekly ‘L-Word’ parties. Should I continue to stick my finger in the dike of my marriage, or strap on some courage and move on? –Carpetbagging and Confused”

Hillary my dear, enough with the pseudonyms. Just come out of the closet, enjoy your short hedonistic life and your eternity in hell.

Well, peons, that’s all the time my beautiful mind has for you little people. Until next year, ta-ta!

14 Comments:

Anonymous Not Rex Kramer said...

“Dear Hot Mama: I know this gal who is everything I’ve ever dreamed of. She’s abrasive, and sarcastic, nasty and dishonest. Her polemical comments are extreme and intended to incite hysterical hatred toward liberals. God she is HOT! She does have a little problem with facial hair and there is that Adam’s apple thing. I just want her bad. How do I approach someone of her manly stature?
RK

February 14, 2006 10:48 PM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

RK: Try taking her advice re: "how to talk to a liberal (if you must.)" The manly courage you show will draw her in, but your dedication to aryan domination will ultimately win her.

February 14, 2006 11:40 PM  
Blogger Newsguy said...

My question for Hot Mama would be, "Dear Barb, how did you manage to turn out such a litter of criminals, liars and con artists all in one family? "

February 15, 2006 12:20 AM  
Blogger Elizabeth Branford said...

Inbreeding, news guy.

And the doled out seeds of the devil... lovingly saved like heirloom cannibus at an organic hippie farm...

February 15, 2006 12:30 AM  
Blogger Mary said...

Rex,
"the greatest love of all is happening in America", I love when you mess with those tag lines...nice advice column...

February 15, 2006 3:37 AM  
Blogger Tina said...

My question for Bar would be this:
"I heard that you have always claimed to be pro-choice, despite your husband and sons being rabid anti-choicers. If so, is it at all possible for you to undergo a retro-active late term abortion that is 59 yrs too late?"

February 15, 2006 7:40 AM  
Anonymous Hot Mama said...

Hot Mama Sez...

Newsguy: I am proud of all my children and their great accomplishments. Well, except for Neil. He always was a bit of a douche.

Lily: A true lady never talks about "seed."

Mary: Rex tells me the tag line changes daily. As a conservative, I fear such change.

Tina: Fussing with the time-space continuum makes baby Jesus cry.

February 15, 2006 9:07 AM  
Blogger AJ said...

Sorry a bit off topic, but it is only fair and proper to alert you that KVATCH (blognonymous;The Day The Floor Drops Out From Under Big Oil),
has brought out in the open, the horrible truth,nay unbelievable truth, that he does NOT own an American made car or any car for that matter.
Surmising that he probably drives to dates(if he has one) on a (pink) tandem, to a nearby vegan restaurant with only a hope it doesn't rain, I consider this an affront to all God fearing and respectable people of America, not lest of all to my energy stock values.

He has issued a duel, and not by choice, but by the fearless divinely inspired wisdom of our leaders, I accepted and said "Bring it on, chump!"

May I, REX, O wise one of right, humbly request your,
assistance in putting down this San Francisco heathen?

February 15, 2006 11:38 AM  
Blogger michael the tubthumper said...

maybe we have got it all wrong and this was just cheneys valentine message

"nothing says 'Ilove you' like shooting an old man in the face"

February 15, 2006 11:45 AM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

AJ: I have addressed Kvatch's America-hating ways numerous times. Sadly, the Frog has failed to be moved by reason, and thus must be rendered to, oh, I dunno, Yemen?

Michael: Sometimes one must take drastic measures to be noticed. Usually these don't involve multiple bird-shot wounds, but who are we to judge matters of the heart?

February 15, 2006 11:59 AM  
Blogger AJ said...

Rex, I understand your unslefish devotion to renounce the heathen ways over at TBR will keep you from this noble task. Therefore may I humbly ask your blessing or(darest I ask?) knighthood
before my travails to vanquish the enemies of state and I maketh my long sojourn from whence I may never return?

February 15, 2006 3:08 PM  
Blogger Adorable Girlfriend said...

If I were on the Board at Smith, there is only one thing I would do at each meeting. Yell and scream about why we cannot revoke such a P.O.S.'s diploma!

Man, I dislike anything with the word 'Bush' attached to it.

February 15, 2006 5:52 PM  
Blogger Ron Nasty said...

Adorable girlfriend.
Does that mean yer a smoothie?
Everyone know that old lady Bush aint had it in a long time, and when she did she didn't have a long time, if you know what I mean. Her given out advice on love is like her son talkin' bout what it's like to fight in a war, unlike my Uncle Earl who lost half his leg in 'Nam

February 15, 2006 7:02 PM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Ok, this may be the most diverse and completely insane trio of comments I've ever addressed, but I'll give it a go...

AJ: "Knighting" is for royalty. Even though it is only a piece of paper, the Declaration of Independence establshed that kings and queens are a bunch of pussies!

AG: What about Busch Gardens? Busch Stadium? Anheiser-Busch? A bird in hand being worth three in the bush? Hate these, and you hate America!

Ron: As a fellow vet, I feel for your uncle. That said, while he was enjoying an Asian vacation at government expense, then-Lt. Bush was keeping Brownsville safe from the communist horde!

February 15, 2006 7:23 PM  

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