Monday, February 13, 2006

!!!BREAKING NEWS ALERT!!!

Vice President Shoots Lawyer in Self-Defense

(Corpus Christi, TX) Although details are still sketchy at this hour, Spurious George has confirmed that the man Vice President Dick Cheney shot with his Second Amendment-protected shotgun was an attorney who some say was a proponent of frivolous lawsuits. While it is SG’s policy to not comment on open investigations, it appears likely that Cheney was acting in self-defense when
he plugged Harry Whittington “plum full o’ holes.”

Cheney’s attorney and US Supreme Court Justice
Antonin Scalia, a veteran of several of the Vice President’s hunting expeditions, reported that it is not uncommon for Cheney’s rare vacations to be interrupted by any number of America-haters. “Last summer it was those incompetents from FEMA whining about ‘Katrina-this’ and ‘debacle-that.’ Honestly, I’m amazed we even got five days of decent fishing in.”



This time, however, it appears the interloper had something more heinous than the drowning of an American city on his mind. Judiciously stated Scalia, “This Whittington fella, well, he trespassed on private property and starts screaming about suing the federal government over the clearly lawful warrantless searches. If that wasn’t enough, and trust me, it was, he was wearing a ‘Hillary in 2008’ sandwich board. My God, he had it coming.”

Confirming Scalia’s testimony was the biblical voice of Charlton Heston, who knows a thing or two about defending himself. “The damn dirty ape presented a clear and present danger not only to the Vice President, but to America! Damn that maniac…damn him all to hell!” Heston added that Cheney, an expert shot ever since his first tour in Vietnam and a dedicated pacifist, intended only to “wing” the assailant, but failed to do so when the cowardly Whittington hid behind the campaign sign he was carrying. Suggested Heston, “If I were campaigning for Hillary, I might consider wearing kevlar, and lots of it!”

Authorities in Kenedy County, Texas have not indicated whether or not Cheney will be charged with any crime, as shooting a lawyer in that part of the state usually only results in a small fine. In any event, Whittington should thank Jesus (or whoever it is he prays to) that the man he attacked was Dick Cheney. Reported Katharine Armstrong, owner of the property on which the patriotic posse was hunting, ““Fortunately, the vice president has got a lot of medical people around him and so they were right there and probably more cautious than we would have been*,” she said. “The vice president has got an ambulance on call, so the ambulance came.*”

* - Indicates actual quote

8 Comments:

Blogger Neil Shakespeare said...

No word on what old Dick had been drinking, I see. Careful to keep that out of any reports. Gotta let the alohol get out of the bloodstream, I suppose. That would account for the 18 hour delay...

February 13, 2006 2:34 AM  
Anonymous Dude said...

I had heard that it wasn't in fact a gunshot wound but a near drowning when Cheney (obviously drunk) drove off the side of a narrow bridge. Whittington's nude body was pulled from the car hours later after he survived in an air pocket created by several of Cheney's ever present oxygen bottles.

February 13, 2006 3:44 AM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

I was wondering how you lefties were going to spin this...so it's to be accusations of alcoholism, is it? Sad, sad. A man makes his country safer from attorneys, and you reduce him to Ted Kennedy. Well, sirs, I knew Ted Kennedy. Ted Kennedy was no friend of mine, and Dicky Cheney is no Ted Kennedy!

February 13, 2006 7:28 AM  
Blogger AJ said...

The moment I saw this on the news I thought of how Rex would be akin to the "Goose that layed the Golden Egg". You just can't make this great stuff up!

Anyway the word on the street is that Whittington was still laughing at the Kramerica article on the "sexual preferences" of Hillary, when Vice President Chenney had had enough....

February 13, 2006 9:48 AM  
Blogger Drew said...

He was visualizing Scooter Libby and... whoops!

February 13, 2006 11:02 AM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Shooting the wretched traitor Libby would've been justified under several sections of the patriot act.

February 13, 2006 12:14 PM  
Anonymous Kirk Cameron's Crack Whore said...

I'm a liberal and I's still pop that bitch.

February 13, 2006 6:38 PM  
Anonymous Lily said...

Rex, you really need to check id before these people come into this forum...

February 13, 2006 6:39 PM  

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