Thursday, February 16, 2006

WHY DOES MY COMPUTER HATE AMERICA?

SG's Own Rex Kramer Questions His PC's Patriotism

Like the Democratic Party, of late Rex Kramer's computer has been sluggish and lacking the ability to connect. Fearing that it was, again like the Democrats, beginning to hate America, he sent in the Marines in the form of a shocking and awesome mother of all anti-virus programs. The result? Mission accomplished, baby! Those insurgent viruses (virusi?) were hunted down and killed like the rejectionist cretins they are! U-S-A! U-S-A!

Alas, even victory comes with a price (as all right-thinking Americans know, freedom is far from free.) While Rex's customized, red-white-and-blue American-made machine was as immune from terrorist attack as our nation has been for four-plus years now, it was also immune from such things as a working cable modem and a functioning net-based phone. Rex has always been willing to trade a few freedoms for better security, but with no connection to the outside world he risked denying patriots everywhere the benefit of his inspiring words! This, of course, would not do.

Thus, Rex extended a call...ok, multiple calls...to the Coalition of the Willing (although, not one of the overly able.) Experts in Bangladesh, Bhurma, Laos, Algeria, Peru, Lichtenstein, and Antarctica all tossed their 2 cents (or rupees) in, but eventually it was a red-stater Floridian at all-American Bright House Networks who came through and suggested...that Rex uninstall the aforementioned software. And while that did the trick, Rex found the fact that he even mentioned such a super-secret program extremely irresponsible, and an act that might give aid and comfort to our enemies.

In any event, thanks to good old America know-how and a cell phone bill larger than the GNP of the entire African continent, Rex will return tomorrow better, stronger and more virus-prone than ever!

4 Comments:

Anonymous Dude said...

You're in luck Mr. Kramer - for I know a thing or two about your pain. And while a good virus program is of premier importance in this day and age...do not neglect the anti-spyware programs. Spyware can make your computer go down like an intern in the oval office. I suggest you install AdAware, or Ewido - both are very good...and free.

Man, if you've got an American computer it must be a 286.

February 17, 2006 3:16 AM  
Blogger michael the tubthumper said...

are mac users terrorists then?

February 17, 2006 6:29 AM  
Anonymous Lily, patriopath sympathizer said...

Macs don't have these problems.

Aw, Rex. All for the love of educated misguided hippies and dirty liberals! I will never question your patriotism again.

February 17, 2006 4:57 PM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Wait a sec...you questioned MY patriotism? I'm...what? Aghast? Flummoxed? Shocked and awed?

The fact that I even got this thing working again is either proof that intelligent design is dead on, or that the universe is truly random. I'm leaning toward the latter, as a million monkeys banging on a million keyboards has the same computer know-how that I do.

February 17, 2006 10:52 PM  

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