Tuesday, February 21, 2006

BUSH: OIL “A CLEAR AND PRESENT DANGER”

“War on Foreign Oil©” Elevates Threat Level

(Milwaukee) In his State of the Union address that many accurately described as an “Intervention with America,” President Bush in his compassionate conservative way confronted Americans with their own addiction to foreign oil. Left unsaid was the logical extension of his accusation; that there would be no oil abuse if there were no shifty oil pushers. The rogue nations that force their black poison upon unsuspecting US victims, however, were addressed today by
the President, who added to the charges of illicit oil-dealing a substantiated accusation of terrorism.

“We’re held hostage for energy by foreign nations that may not like us,*” bravely asserted Bush, who keeps a constantly-updated list of countries that have inexplicably thus far failed to pledge their undying and unconditional love for all things American. “As your President, I have the Constitutional authority to declare these evil nations a clear and present threat to the security of the United States, and I’m exercising that authority. Or is it exorcising, like that Linda Blair fella? Man, that movie gave me the willies. Of course, me and Jeb was coked out of our skulls when we saw it. Hehehe. Thank Jesus the hookers daddy hired us was there to calm us down with oral sex. Man, those hookers was hot! Of course, that might’ve been the blow talking. Hard to say. May God continue to bless America!”



Returning to Washington, President Bush cited his own speech as evidence that foreign oil constituted a weapon of mass destruction, and during an intermission in the White House showing of Curious George declared a “War on Foreign Oil©.” While the President, eager to return to be entertained by the monkey’s zany antics, did not specify how this war would be fought, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice later clarified that, “all options are on the table.”

“Look at the leading exporters of evil oil, or as I call it, ‘Black Death,” ordered Rice, who, coincidentally, had that very same nickname bestowed on her by the President upon her ascension to the State Department. “Iran, Venezuela, Iran, Qatar, Iran…a ‘who’s who’ of international America-hating. While we will continue to work with our allies to put pressure on these criminal nations, military action can not be ruled out.”

At the Pentagon, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld assured the small minority of Americans who disapprove of unilateral armed aggression that any conflict would be short and sweet, and yet shocking and awesome. “I think we’re talking about days or weeks, certainly not months.” Rumsfeld further pledged that any attack would be aimed at liberating the country’s oil from the merchants of death that currently possess it. “You see, once we control the oil, it’s no longer foreign oil. Thus, it is inherently less evil.” According to the Pentagon’s plan, all seized oil would be collected by patriotic experts in the industry such as Halliburton. “You can always trust those good folks to look out for what’s best for America,” truthfully asserted Rumsfeld.


* - Indicates Actual Quote

8 Comments:

Anonymous Dude said...

Man, those hookers was hot! Of course, that might’ve been the blow talking.

The President seemed unusually candid about the use of cocaine and prostitutes. How long ago did he see that movie?

February 21, 2006 9:45 PM  
Anonymous Lily said...

Hmm shock and awe, shock and awe..why don't we ever do debt and disaster? Its such an obvious path to imperial supremacy.

February 21, 2006 9:46 PM  
Blogger Lew Scannon said...

Once we have Afghanistan, Iraq and Iran (Iran so far away), it'll be a little America over there. I foresee family vacations with layerovers in Israel for a visit to Pat Robertson's rapture based theme park.

February 21, 2006 10:33 PM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Dude: As my boy W pointed out during the SOTUA, what's done is done. Let's focus on the future!

Lily: Please, I beg of you, stop hating America.

Lew: While I like the idea of a Rapture-themed park (perchance on the Plains of Armaggedon?) I'm drealing of "Disneyland Tehran!"

February 21, 2006 11:22 PM  
Blogger Kvatch said...

Donald Rumsfeld assured the small minority of Americans who disapprove of unilateral armed aggression that any conflict would be short and sweet, and yet shocking and awesome.

Is he talking about about a war or a new cocktail? A "Pan-Arabian Petroleum Master"?

February 22, 2006 12:43 AM  
Anonymous The Biblical Voice Of Charlton Heston said...

War- shaken, not stirred Kvatch

February 22, 2006 6:39 AM  
Blogger rev. billy bob gisher ©2005 said...

screw alternative energy, twisting in the wind is much more fun.

February 22, 2006 1:43 PM  
Blogger mikevotes said...

That's pretty brilliant.

The Iraq war is just an extension of Plan Columbia?

Mike

February 22, 2006 10:26 PM  

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