Thursday, February 23, 2006

CIVIL WAR? SO WHAT?

Internal Strife Only Makes Nations Stronger

(Basra) Lost among the out-of-the-mainstream media’s exaggerated and America-hating
reports of violence between Iraq’s Shiites and Sunnis is the lesson that history has proven time and time again: blood spilled in civil war only oils the cogs of sweet freedom. While, to the unimaginative liberal, the recent outburst in intra-faith hostilities may appear to represent a substantial setback in President Bush’s brilliant plan for a peaceful, democratic Middle East, experts say that Iraq is merely experiencing the awkward stage of adolescence necessary for the nation to bloom into a beautiful, hormonally-charged democracy.

Richard B. Cheney, esteemed Heritage Foundation scholar and a man in no way related to the Vice President, says he sees a lot of 1860’s America in today’s Iraq. “Like the conflict between sects in Iraq, we once passionately disagreed amongst ourselves over trivial differences,” summarized Cheney, who not once has mistaken a lawyer for a quail. “While I’m sure the War Between the States seemed like a big deal at the time, I think it would be a major understatement to say things worked out well in the end.”

Echoed White House press secretary Scott McClellan, “The President predicts that 100 years from now, pudgy middle-aged Iraqi men will gather on the weekend and re-enact the skirmishes being fought today.” McClellan, an honorary colonel in the Second Army of the Potomac, knows better than most the seeds of brotherhood are best nurtured with armed conflict. “Last year, after our annual re-creation of Bull Run, Union and Confederate soldier alike sat down together in peace at a local Hooters, where there was much joyous eating of wings and respectful ogling of scantily-clad women. Surely, once the Shiite and the Sunni work out their minor disagreements, they will break bread together at whatever American franchised-restaurant that hasn’t yet been burned to the ground.”

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice knows that, if not for America’s own growing pains, she might be harvesting cotton instead of allies. “Had our country avoided inevitable conflict, someone in my position could very well find herself doing the bidding of a rich, white male in a big, white house, who justified his inherited position of superiority as having been pre-ordained by God.”

Pundits who have bravely watched the conflict from a detached distance, such as the Fox Foundation’s Bill O’Reilly, point out that Iraq’s post-hostilities era has the potential to be superior to America’s reconstruction period. “Our little brown brothers in Iraq have the benefit of having Uncle Sam there to make sure all goes smoothly. I ask you, was there a benevolent superpower at Appomattox? I think not.”

12 Comments:

Anonymous abi said...

But Rex, doesn't the president want us to believe that we have to keep our troops in Iraq to prevent a civil war?

If civil war is the stuff that brotherhood and stirring songs and Ken Burns' documentaries are made of, why don't we just get out of there now, lock, stock, and waterboard?

Unless, of course, your much-admired president is lying to you about why we're there. Hmmm.... ?

February 23, 2006 10:34 PM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Abi, key members of Congress were briefed on the President's intent to lie. Besides, the President has inherent Constitutional authority to lie. To suggest otherwise only serves to give aid and comfort to the enemy.

February 23, 2006 10:44 PM  
Blogger Neil Shakespeare said...

Yes, civil war is good for the flowers of democracy. Or, as my old football coach made us chant before games:

"BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD MAKES THE GRASS GROW!"

February 24, 2006 2:08 AM  
Blogger Lew Scannon said...

When all the warring factions kill each other off in a civil war,someone has to be there to make sure all that oil goes to frease to wheels of the American war machine. Might as well be America.

February 24, 2006 5:07 AM  
Blogger michael the tubthumper said...

did you see democracy now today? talking about how they are doing a study to see how these things might pan out in iran

February 24, 2006 11:40 AM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Neil: It sounds like you and I had the same patriotic coach. Then again, maybe all football coaches are required to love America. Hard to say.

Lew: NOW you're getting the big picture!

Michael: Who needs a study? We here at SG know the answer now, and that answer is "fantastic!"

February 24, 2006 11:50 AM  
Blogger AJ said...

"BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD MAKES THE GRASS GROW!"

Yea baby.

I personally love the smell of a little blood in the morning with my steaming Cafe'Cocoa from Starbucks.
It just smells....like...victory!

February 24, 2006 6:33 PM  
Anonymous The Heretik said...

Damn right, beeotch! War is good.

February 24, 2006 7:14 PM  
Anonymous Dude said...

"BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD MAKES THE GRASS GROW!"

Actually, while fish blood is often an ingredient in plant food, many horticulturists and Nation Battlefield stewards will tell you that nothing makes grass grow like a decomposing corpse. Gettysburg was veritable oasis after the battle there...and the flowers were just spectacular.

February 24, 2006 8:09 PM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

AJ: If you find blood in your cup of Starbuck's brew, I highly suggest you swallow bleach in large amounts. I mean, have you seen the kind of hippies that work at those places?

Heretik: I see the patriotic people at FOX are finally paying attention to this blog.

Dude: You have stumbled upon another goal of our brilliant administration, the irrigation (with enemy combatant blood) of the Iraqi desert!

February 24, 2006 9:48 PM  
Blogger fashiongirl said...

Export democracy, come on! Let's export Hooters. Game on!

February 24, 2006 10:53 PM  
Anonymous abi said...

Rex, you scooped Fox:

Only on Fox: "All-Out Civil War in Iraq: Could It Be a Good Thing?"

"Only on Fox" — and Spurious George.

February 24, 2006 11:06 PM  

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