Wednesday, February 22, 2006


Lays Claim to “Most Jesus-Loving State”

(Pierre, SD) State senators in South Dakota, clearly the more Christian of the Dakotas,
today passed a bill that would ban most abortions in which a human female is impregnated by a human male (cows knocked up by their loving dairy farmers would be allowed to terminate the pregnancy if it affects milk production.) The bill, sponsored by a Democrat who surprisingly does not support a woman’s “right” to murder her child, must next pass the state House before being forwarded to the desk of Governor Mike Rounds. However, patriotic pro-lifers in Pierre believe these steps are mere formalities, as Rounds recently announced that he will sign the bill with a pen custom-made from the bones of a justifiably-murdered abortion clinic doctor.

“It is the time for the South Dakota Legislature to deal with this issue and protect the lives and rights of unborn children," heroically avered Sen. Julie Bartling, who broke free of her Democratic masters on this most important issue. “The people of South Dakota should know that if ever someone gets drunk enough to have sex with me and my womb is blessed with child, I will not have the option to exercise any amount of free will in regards to my own body.” Bartling then offered to put her beliefs to the test with any man within the sound of her voice, but it was later learned that every eligible bachelor in the state simultaneously developed a “killer headache.”

Across the nation, reaction to South Dakota’s bold move was divided among party lines. In baby-hating New York, former President Bill Clinton expressed surprise that there were “so many loose chicks” in South Dakota, and announced that he would immediately relocate to Pierre. In Virginia, moral compass of the nation Pat Robertson spoke for Jesus when we promised that, in light of the measure and the 2004 ouster of former Senator Tom Daschle, South Dakota would be “smite-free” until at least the next general election. On the steps of the US Supreme Court, the completely-impartial Justice Samuel Alito promised that if the South Dakota law is challenged in his court, he would give equal consideration to “both the Jesus-loving state, and those who would, in an affront to God and all things good and decent, advocate the torturous murder of the unborn based upon the deeply-flawed ‘precedent’ of Roe versus Wade.”

As expected, the mass-murderers at Planned Parenthood have threatened to file a frivolous lawsuit if the South Dakota Senate’s bill is passed into law. State officials, however, expressed confidence that the measure will pass any test of Constitutionality. “I have consulted with the Justice Department, and Attorney General Gonzales has assured me that this bill kicks ass,” understated Governor Rounds. “In addition, I posed to the Attorney General other laws we are considering, including making homosexuality and membership in the Democratic Party capital offenses, expanding the treason statutes to include peace protests and any criticism of the President, as well as making Christianity the official faith of the state. Although we were speaking by phone, I’m almost certain I heard him stifle tears of joy.”


Blogger Elizabeth Branford said...

Thankfully, my Noose reporters are busy at work writing an expose' on Smite Insurance... thank Jesus we both beat our research grunts.

February 23, 2006 10:43 AM  
Blogger Kathy said...

One question, will Congress add money to the budget to provide health insurance, food and housing for any poor children born as a result of this new law?

February 23, 2006 3:20 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

whoa Kramer,

You're getting brave touching upon this subject!

February 23, 2006 3:43 PM  
Blogger Kvatch said...

Frickin' Demolicans. Can't trust a one of 'em.

February 23, 2006 4:20 PM  
Blogger Mary said...

South Dakota is "Super Duper", maybe you could put a picture of that fine lady on mount rushmore, add another massive landsite in that A-OK state...seriously, Rex, your shit, kills me...

February 23, 2006 6:23 PM  
Blogger Lew Scannon said...

Next on the agenda:Birth control pills and vasectomies.

February 23, 2006 6:42 PM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Lily: The only insurance for smiting is repentence. Give up your hippie ways and Jesus may love you.

Kathy: Spoken like a tax-and-spend liberal! As W has pointed out, this is the dawning of the "Ownership Society." Underwriting the harlots of this country would only encourage further sluttiness!

AJ: We here at SG fear no topic. As a staff made up exclusively of white middle-class males, we feel uniquely qualified to tell women what they should do with their bodies.

Kvatch: Don't be a hater. Sen. Bartling has seen the light! Besides, she's a you fear strong women, my amphibian friend?

Mary: Mt. Rushmore immortality? If Roe v. Wade goes the way of the Susan B. Anthony dollar, they may re-name the monument "Mount Bartling!"

Lew: Are these not forms of abortion? As Michael Palin once sang, "Every sperm IS sacred!"

February 23, 2006 7:00 PM  
Blogger Neil Shakespeare said...

Those people are such good Christians that God is probably gonna come down and chisel South Dakota out like a block of ice and transport the whole thing to Heaven. Those people are just too good for this Earth. And so I say to God: Go do it, Big Guy!

We'll fill the place in when you're gone...

February 24, 2006 2:12 AM  

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