COULTER: LIBERALS HATE GOD, AMERICA

Hippies Hound Hottie in the Heartland

(Bloomington, IN) Throughout the course of human history, mankind’s greatest ground-breaking philosophers (Jesus, Martin Luther King, Richard Nixon, etc) have been persecuted by nattering nabobs of nay-saying negativity. And although crucifixion, assassination and forced resignation were avoided Thursday night on the campus of Indiana University, comely conservative commentator Ann Coulter clearly joined the exalted ranks of geniuses born before their time. “Liberals hate God and hate America*,” truthfully sermonized Coulter in words that no doubt will someday be included in the Newer Testament.

As might be expected in a state that has yet to erect a single monument in recognition of Dan Quayle’s contributions to democracy, Coulter’s wisdom was jeered by a number of hippies in the audience. One such rejectionist, who as an unemployed single welfare mother of eight has plenty of time to heckle those more patriotic than herself, inexplicably called on Coulter to “go back to Germany*.” This hayseed Hooiser hippie only revealed her own public-school ignorance, as the stunning Miss Coulter is of Irish descent, and was born and raised American as can be.

Outbursts of ill-informed “free speech” are usually and correctly suppressed at Coulter’s rallys. However, it appears security for the event was compromised by a sleeper cell of fanatic America-haters. "You guys are doing a great job.*" she said sarcastically later to auditorium ushers. "I guess they did hire Democrats as ushers.*"

Unfortunately, this is not the first time so-called “students” have acted like Ted Kennedy at an open-bar sorority mixer while in the presence of Adorable Ann. As Spurious George exclusively reported in its’ December 8, 2005 edition (link not available,) students under-educated in the undeniable genius of conservatism at the liberal bastion University of Connecticut dared question the pearls of truth that flowed from the goddess’ mouth. Coulter won the day by defeating the enemy combatants with tests of strength, intelligence and beauty. The humble hottie later admitted that these challenges were hardly fair, as Connecticut is clearly the weakest, dumbest and ugliest of the 50 states.

Addressing the attractiveness of the Indiana audience, Coulter accurately opined, “"I think we should have saved the ushers some time and just removed all the ugly people*.” Moments later, a battalion of expertly-trained Iraqi soldiers (one of hundreds now ready to defend their country from insurgents) swooped in and did just that. While it was later rumored that the ejected “facially-challenged” traitors were rendered to Yemen for interrogation, administration officials, citing national security, declined to comment.

Not everything Coulter preached, however, was derided by the assembled America-haters. The freedom-loving and fantasy-inspiring philosopher drew applause when she complimented Indiana’s Senator Evan Bayh when she decreed, "Evan Bayh isn't as insane as other Democrats," she said. "But he certainly isn't as good as the worst Republican.*" Although it could not be immediately confirmed, Bayh’s staff is said to be considering using Coulter’s description as a rallying cry in his quest for the 2008 Democratic nomination.



* - Indicates actual quotes