Sunday, February 26, 2006

COULTER: LIBERALS HATE GOD, AMERICA

Hippies Hound Hottie in the Heartland

(Bloomington, IN) Throughout the course of human history, mankind’s greatest ground-breaking philosophers (Jesus, Martin Luther King, Richard Nixon, etc) have been persecuted by nattering nabobs of nay-saying negativity. And although crucifixion, assassination and forced resignation were avoided Thursday night on the campus of Indiana University, comely conservative commentator
Ann Coulter clearly joined the exalted ranks of geniuses born before their time. “Liberals hate God and hate America*,” truthfully sermonized Coulter in words that no doubt will someday be included in the Newer Testament.

As might be expected in a state that has yet to erect a single monument in recognition of Dan Quayle’s contributions to democracy, Coulter’s wisdom was jeered by a number of hippies in the audience. One such rejectionist, who as an unemployed single welfare mother of eight has plenty of time to heckle those more patriotic than herself, inexplicably called on Coulter to “go back to Germany*.” This hayseed Hooiser hippie only revealed her own public-school ignorance, as the stunning Miss Coulter is of Irish descent, and was born and raised American as can be.

Outbursts of ill-informed “free speech” are usually and correctly suppressed at Coulter’s rallys. However, it appears security for the event was compromised by a sleeper cell of fanatic America-haters. "You guys are doing a great job.*" she said sarcastically later to auditorium ushers. "I guess they did hire Democrats as ushers.*"

Unfortunately, this is not the first time so-called “students” have acted like Ted Kennedy at an open-bar sorority mixer while in the presence of Adorable Ann. As Spurious George exclusively reported in its’ December 8, 2005 edition (link not available,) students under-educated in the undeniable genius of conservatism at the liberal bastion University of Connecticut dared question the pearls of truth that flowed from the goddess’ mouth. Coulter won the day by defeating the enemy combatants with tests of strength, intelligence and beauty. The humble hottie later admitted that these challenges were hardly fair, as Connecticut is clearly the weakest, dumbest and ugliest of the 50 states.

Addressing the attractiveness of the Indiana audience, Coulter accurately opined, “"I think we should have saved the ushers some time and just removed all the ugly people*.” Moments later, a battalion of expertly-trained Iraqi soldiers (
one of hundreds now ready to defend their country from insurgents) swooped in and did just that. While it was later rumored that the ejected “facially-challenged” traitors were rendered to Yemen for interrogation, administration officials, citing national security, declined to comment.

Not everything Coulter preached, however, was derided by the assembled America-haters. The freedom-loving and fantasy-inspiring philosopher drew applause when she complimented Indiana’s Senator Evan Bayh when she decreed, "Evan Bayh isn't as insane as other Democrats," she said. "But he certainly isn't as good as the worst Republican.*" Although it could not be immediately confirmed, Bayh’s staff is said to be considering using Coulter’s description as a rallying cry in his quest for the 2008 Democratic nomination.



* - Indicates actual quotes

14 Comments:

Anonymous stacy said...

Somebody give that b***h an Ensure, STAT.

You left out the bit about referring to a questioner as "gayboy".

I love Ann Coulter. She's the perfect posterboy...ummm..girl, for the conservative movement because who else could come up with such witty and intelligent pearls of wisdom like "maybe we should have just removed all the ugly people"? I mean, that's fucking brilliant!

February 26, 2006 10:23 AM  
Anonymous Lily Branford said...

Yes, 'hippie profiling'. See this is why I send money to the "Hot Hippies With Implants and Throw You Down Stiletto Heels' society. These courageous hippies dare to bathe, wear lipstick, bleach their long hot tresses, and shop at the Gap. And can easily infiltrate republican events. As long as they don't talk, and reveal they have an education.


Their slogan: "Not your Father's Woodstock Lay."

February 26, 2006 11:39 AM  
Anonymous abi said...

Oh, you're a clever one, Rex Kramer. But I'm on to you now. Ann Coulter isn't real, is she? She's just another creation of that fertile, all-American imagination of yours.

You've managed to convince the world that your greatest satiric creation is a flesh-and-blood person. You've even gone so far as to hire a female impersonator to play her on TV.

Ok, joke's over. Put her back in the box. Please?

February 26, 2006 11:42 AM  
Blogger Lew Scannon said...

The best thing about Ann Coulter posts is you don't have to make up insane quotes.

February 26, 2006 1:23 PM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Stacy: I was thinking that Miss Coulter's looking a little thick these days. Dare I dream that she's packing the pounds on in anticipation of delivering the President's love child, thus creating the world's first perfect conservative?

Lily: Thankfully, the competent folks at the TSA have developed a scanner capable of detecting "lipstick hippies" prior to their entry into sensitive areas (airports, think tanks, public bathrooms.) Hopefully, enough will produced in time for the 2008 general election.

Abi: While I confess that Ann is always on my mind, she is in fact flesh and bone. Well, skin and bone, at least. Oh, and with freakish hands. And an adam's apple. Now that I think about it, what's up with the 5 o'clock shadow?

Lew: What you call insanity, I call frothing neo-conservatism. You say potato, I, a disciple of Dan Quayle, say potatoe.

February 26, 2006 2:24 PM  
Blogger Neil Shakespeare said...

Yes, I have it on good authority (well, the Pope, if that's good enough authority) that 'The Gospel According to Anne' will indeed by in the new "Newer Testament". As I understand it, there will still be just four gospels. In addition to "Anne" there will be "Bill", "George" and "Shooter".

February 27, 2006 3:46 AM  
Blogger a rose is a rose said...

ah mr kramer, you left out her 'gay boy' remark...........

(and of course i take umbrage with the connecticut statement)

and of course i'm laughing my big ol' butt off

February 27, 2006 4:57 AM  
Blogger michael the tubthumper said...

i thought she was joking when i first heard about her.

unfortunately not

February 27, 2006 12:53 PM  
Blogger Left of Center said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

February 27, 2006 1:19 PM  
Blogger Left of Center said...

Ann is no doubt the sexiest Conservitive out there! I found this new picture.
http://img474.imageshack.us/img474/7726/therealanncoulter6eu.gif

February 27, 2006 1:21 PM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Neil: I'm no Biblical scholar, but I'm looking forward to the Newer Gospels. Too much "gnashing of teeth" in the old stuff.

Rose: I was only quoting the diplomatic Miss Coulter. Doing field research on "America's Most America-Hating Cities," I resided for a time in Hartford. There I met a few strong, attractive, and intelligent women (though none more so than Mrs. Danger-Seeker.) Unfortunately, however, they all hated America and/or worked in the insurance industry (and really, is there any difference?)

Michael: Mrs. Danger-Seeker also finds Ann funny, and reads her blog daily (while I peer over her shoulder and leer at Ann.)

Comment Deleted: Coward! There's no cutting and running at Spurious George!

Left: You are sooooo going to be punished by God for that link (besides, I just had lunch!)

February 27, 2006 2:23 PM  
Blogger Left of Center said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

February 27, 2006 7:00 PM  
Blogger -epm said...

Ann Coulter is like a carnival freak show. In another time, in another age, she would have been involuntarily committed to one institution or another, as a pattently mentally unstable individual. If it happened to be a compassionate institution she would have been reproductively sterilized. Ironically, it's thanks to "liberal" programs of deinstitutionalization, that she's not confined to an 8X10 padded cell today.

The wingnut conservative likes Ann Coulter just as a trailer-park, meth-chef, biker likes his inbred pit bull. The difference is the biker may have a heart and put the dog down. The wingnut conservative, through some perversion of the cocnept of loyalty, will ride Ann Coulter like Slim Pickens on an H-bomb.

Boom. Game over.

February 28, 2006 10:55 AM  
Blogger Drew said...

I hate God and America. Ann hates sustainence. That much is apparent.

March 02, 2006 10:34 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home