Tuesday, February 28, 2006


Army, Reserves Would Cut and Run

A recent poll of America’s fighting forces has revealed that the failure of the liberals to adequately support them via prominently-displayed “ribbon magnets” and impromptu landings on aircraft carriers has finally taken its’ toll on the troops’ morale. According to the poll’s results, 72% of those serving with distinction in Iraq have now been at least partially brainwashed by the out-of-the-mainstream media and believe the US should make a disgraceful retreat within the next year.

The poll, which collected the opinions of those enlisted in the active-duty Army, Marine Corps, as well as reservist and national guardsman, found that the “weekend warriors” of the reserves and guard were more likely than their “regular” counterparts to be cowardly bitches; 89% of reservists and 82% of guardsmen would run away from their responsibilities like gay cowboys if given the chance. 70% of active-duty soldiers would do the same, but only 58% of the Jesus-loving Marines would favor leaving Iraq within a year (and only then if Osama was caught/killed and/or had his head ripped off and his neck shat in.)

Concerned by the poll’s finding, Marine Corps Commandant General Michael W. Hagee un-retired former drill sergeant
R. Lee Ermey and charged the “ultimate Marine” with motivating the Corps. “Are you quitting on me? Well, are you? Then quit, you slimy fucking walrus-looking piece of shit!” paternally encouraged the kindly Ermey in an inspirational message to 58% of the Marines stationed in the rapidly-stabilizing Iraqi theater. “I'm going to rip your balls off, so you cannot contaminate the rest of the world. I will motivate you, Private Pyle, if it short-dicks every cannibal on the Congo!”

Not to be outdone, the Army flew retired staff sergeant Tom Berenger to the front lines of democracy, where he encouraged the rank and file to stay the course. Drawing on his own experience in Viietnam, “Old Sarge” admonished the troops, “
Now, I got no fight... with any man who does what he's told. But when he don't, the machine breaks down. And when the machine breaks down, we break down. And I ain't gonna allow that... in any of you. Not one!” To prove his dedication to the cause, Berenger then smashed Willem DaFoe’s skull in with a sledgehammer.

Not all of the results of the poll were negative, however. 85% of those questioned correctly identified “retaliation for Saddam Hussein’s 9/11 attack” as the reason for the wildly-successful US liberation of Iraq. In addition, 77% knew that their presence in Iraq prevented al Qaeda from re-establishing their former stronghold in that nation.


Blogger Lew Scannon said...

At this point in time, I will refrain from making any disparaging remarks about the marines out of repect for my dear departed dad, who was a seargeant in the Corps.

February 28, 2006 9:54 PM  
Anonymous Anita said...

I just, uh, find that picture kinda disconcerting.

(Not to worry, though. I'm easily disconcerted.)

February 28, 2006 10:03 PM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Lew: God bless your dad. I, much to my shame, served in the Army. Even more to my shame, I did so under Clinton, and thus was never given the opportunity to prove my mettle in combat against an overwhelmed enemy.

Anita: Although directed by that hippie Stanley Kubrick, Full Metal Jacket kicked ass! True, seeing men in their skivies is a bit, well, Brokeback Mountainesque, but it is merely a prelude to the glorious all-American warfare that follows. I give it two very patriotic thumbs up!

February 28, 2006 10:46 PM  
Blogger -epm said...

I'm concerned that so few Marines, if any, identified Saddam's nuclear warhead and ICBM program as the a key justification for the mission. Good God, these things were aimed at the U.S. and ready to launch in 73 seconds!

I blame the MSM for burying the story that Saddam's estranged half-brother, Phil, is still running this clandestine program in the back room of a coffee house in Tikrit.

February 28, 2006 10:48 PM  
Blogger a rose is a rose said...

i just LOVE drill sarg ermey! i can hear him calling me a maggot right now and i get all squishy inside!

March 01, 2006 2:06 AM  
Blogger Neil Shakespeare said...

That Berenger was really great. And then he moved on to busting heads in those substitute teacher movies, too. I suggest they send him over there to beat some sense into those crybabies.

March 01, 2006 4:12 AM  
Anonymous LILY BRANFORD said...

I still like the Adopt A Sniper program that Robot Buddha helped me get involved with. As I told him, I recently received a picture of my adopted sniper along with a little bio.

Your polls show how well the MSM gets the truth out there!

March 01, 2006 4:19 PM  
Anonymous Dude said...

That's the great R. Lee Ermey showing the recruits how to tell the difference between their rifle and their "gun". Now drop and give me twenty!

Gny. Sgt. Hartman, Drill Instructor: God was here before the Marine Corps. So you can give your heart to Jesus, but your ass belongs to The Corps. Do you ladies understand?

March 02, 2006 3:06 AM  
Blogger michael the tubthumper said...


i watched that film for about the fifth time on tv last night

March 02, 2006 9:39 AM  
Blogger cookie christine said...

I sure wish I had a job where I could touch myself during the day. Those Marines sure are lucky.

March 02, 2006 3:31 PM  
Anonymous Dude said...

While not always in the job description...there are lots of jobs where you can touch yourself during the day. I had a mailman once who always took longer delivering the mail when the new Playboys and Hustlers came out.

March 02, 2006 4:15 PM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Fellow patriots, I apologize for the lack of freedom-loving yesterday, as well as for my failure to respond promptly to your heart-felt comments. Unfortunately, I was detained on a mission vital to national security. That said...

-epm: While I like the cut of your intelligence jib, "Phil" is in fact Osama's half-brother. Thus, the perpetual "War on Terror" must go on!

Rose: Old Sarge has that effect on the ladies. No word yet on the progress of his proposed cologne, "Jarhead."

Neil: Forget not the crusty leadership he brought to the underachieving quitters in "Major League," as well as the underappreciated "Major League 2."

Lily: God bless patriotesses such as yourself! Snipers, it should be known, have feelings too...they just suppress them when they pull the trigger.

Dude: Jesus has no need of anyone's ass; it's your hearts he wants (oh, and your votes!)

Michael: This flick, along with "The Ten Commandments" and "The Greatest Story Ever Told" are on a continuous loop at the Danger-Seeker compound.

Cookie: I'm going to pretend I never read that.

Dude: Ibid.

March 02, 2006 8:05 PM  
Blogger Adorable Girlfriend said...

I'll give 'em I'm jealous. I'm jealous that I cannot be a pawn in the sick military industrial complex. I am not brain washed and going to countries and killing innocent people all for a select few back home to make tons of cash while I flirt with death. So jealous!

I have no respect for the military since Ike left office. When we get a President again like him who actually understands what 'brass' really means, I will stop complaining.

March 02, 2006 8:36 PM  
Blogger Jeremy said...

My favorite part of this:

"...but only 58% of the Jesus-loving Marines would favor leaving Iraq within a year (and only then if Osama was caught/killed and/or had his head ripped off and his neck shat in.)"

March 03, 2006 5:52 PM  
Blogger Elizabeth Branford said...

Adorable Girlfriend is old enough to recall IKE???? She's so....blonde....

March 03, 2006 8:52 PM  

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