POLL: MARINES LOVE FREEDOM MOST

Army, Reserves Would Cut and Run

(Syracuse) A recent poll of America’s fighting forces has revealed that the failure of the liberals to adequately support them via prominently-displayed “ribbon magnets” and impromptu landings on aircraft carriers has finally taken its’ toll on the troops’ morale. According to the poll’s results, 72% of those serving with distinction in Iraq have now been at least partially brainwashed by the out-of-the-mainstream media and believe the US should make a disgraceful retreat within the next year.

The poll, which collected the opinions of those enlisted in the active-duty Army, Marine Corps, as well as reservist and national guardsman, found that the “weekend warriors” of the reserves and guard were more likely than their “regular” counterparts to be cowardly bitches; 89% of reservists and 82% of guardsmen would run away from their responsibilities like gay cowboys if given the chance. 70% of active-duty soldiers would do the same, but only 58% of the Jesus-loving Marines would favor leaving Iraq within a year (and only then if Osama was caught/killed and/or had his head ripped off and his neck shat in.)

Concerned by the poll’s finding, Marine Corps Commandant General Michael W. Hagee un-retired former drill sergeant R. Lee Ermey and charged the “ultimate Marine” with motivating the Corps. “Are you quitting on me? Well, are you? Then quit, you slimy fucking walrus-looking piece of shit!” paternally encouraged the kindly Ermey in an inspirational message to 58% of the Marines stationed in the rapidly-stabilizing Iraqi theater. “I'm going to rip your balls off, so you cannot contaminate the rest of the world. I will motivate you, Private Pyle, if it short-dicks every cannibal on the Congo!”

Not to be outdone, the Army flew retired staff sergeant Tom Berenger to the front lines of democracy, where he encouraged the rank and file to stay the course. Drawing on his own experience in Viietnam, “Old Sarge” admonished the troops, “Now, I got no fight... with any man who does what he's told. But when he don't, the machine breaks down. And when the machine breaks down, we break down. And I ain't gonna allow that... in any of you. Not one!” To prove his dedication to the cause, Berenger then smashed Willem DaFoe’s skull in with a sledgehammer.

Not all of the results of the poll were negative, however. 85% of those questioned correctly identified “retaliation for Saddam Hussein’s 9/11 attack” as the reason for the wildly-successful US liberation of Iraq. In addition, 77% knew that their presence in Iraq prevented al Qaeda from re-establishing their former stronghold in that nation.