Monday, February 27, 2006

SCALIA: GUNS DON’T KILL PEOPLE

SC Justice Attacks Media’s Portrayal of Misunderstood Firearms

(Nashville) Throughout his amazing life, America-loving Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia has displayed respect for and encyclopedic knowledge of this country’s most sacred icon: the firearm. As a youth
he attended a prestigious military school where he served with distinction on the rifle team, and although he was unfortunately too occupied with other priorities when he wished he could have been fighting the Viet Cong, he paid his debt to the defense of America by siring a West Point-graduate son. Scalia is an avid and expert hunter, and often forays in our nation’s government-protected forests with fellow patriotic government employees where they escape the pressures of making this country the greatest in the history of the planet.

It was with this body of knowledge that the six-shooting Scalia yesterday addressed a gathering of wild turkey hunters, and in a manner only a genius of his stature could, correctly asserted that
“guns don’t kill people, the liberal media-manipulated message about guns kills people.”

"The attitude of people associating guns with nothing but crime, that is what has to be changed,*" charged the conservative king of the courts. “Guns are not like abortions, which have but one purpose; to kill.” Scalia went on to list other things guns are not like, such as gay marriage, socialized medicine, Congressional oversight, fat-free pudding, and hippies.

Scalia’s well-placed blame on the media for creating a false belief that guns are violent was lauded by other heroic defenders of the 2nd Amendment. “Look at my situation,” invited Texas attorney and famed quail hunter Harry Whittington, a man who, quite frankly, is difficult to look in the face. “The media blew up my little stupid mistake
, for which I am completely to blame, into some kind of crusade against the all-American gun. Have these people no shame?”

Others believe the more pertinent question is, why does the media hate America? “I’m no
Constitutional scholar,” humbly offered Constitutional scholar Charlton Heston, “but it would seem to me the firearm is the only item specifically protected by that blessed piece of paper. Do the hippies in the media hate guns and the Constitution? Why can’t they just keep their damn, dirty paws off our rights?”

Scalia’s call to action did not fall on deaf ears in Washington. Sen. Bill Frist (R-TN,)
who as a doctor knows that bad acid kills far more Americans than guns every year, announced he will sponsor a “Defense of Guns Act” that will prohibit all mention of gun violence in the media. The act, certain to be passed by a Republican Congress that believes in little things like life, liberty and the pursuit of kick-assedness, would punish violators with heavy fines, rendition, and/or death by a firing squad.

* - Indicates Actual Quote

7 Comments:

Blogger Adorable Girlfriend said...

He's right, the 100+ people my city were killed by the evil eye, not guns.

God, I hate all the Surpeme Court Jokers these days.

February 27, 2006 5:59 PM  
Blogger Neil Shakespeare said...

I'm sure it's been said many times, many ways, but it's still nonetheless true: "Guns don't kill people. Republicans with guns kill people."

February 27, 2006 6:45 PM  
Anonymous Dude said...

Finally, I found something on which I can agree with you and your fellow right-wing whackos. Fat-free pudding is an evil and Godless killer.

February 27, 2006 8:15 PM  
Blogger Lew Scannon said...

Please. If Scalia had any cojones he'd be huntin' terrorists in Iraq, Animals can't shoot back you greasy bastard!

February 27, 2006 10:33 PM  
Anonymous abi said...

It's true, guns don't kill people. Bullets kill people. So lets let people have all the guns they want. We'll just ban the bullets.

But knowing good-old American ingenuity, people will just end up pistol-whipping each other to death.

February 27, 2006 11:04 PM  
Anonymous Anita said...

Ha! What a surprise to me. Justice Scalia had a Jesuit education at St. Xavier's.

I see he's continuing in the un-American tradition of the beloved St. Ignatius, with his love and concern for others, especially the poor and those whom the unjust structures of society keep oppressed and destitute.

February 28, 2006 9:50 AM  
Blogger Kathy said...

I like Abi's idea - ban the bullets and let people like Cheney pistol whip quail (or friends).

February 28, 2006 12:52 PM  

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