“MAKE LOVE, NOT WAR” FAILS DARWIN’S THEORY

“Hippie Chimp” Going Way of the Dodo

(The Congo) Listen, if you must, to your average hippie, and it might babble on about how “all you need is love” or theorize in a blasphemous way how “love makes the world go ‘round.” This same God-less subspecies would no doubt attempt to poison your mind with something called the “theory of evolution,” which, in layman’s terms, means that humans are not of divine creation but rather a random descendant of a red-assed baboon. And while their little fantasies may be entertaining, they fail to stand up to a little something called “God’s will,” as evidenced by the near-extinction of the “hippie chimp.”

The “hippie chimp,” or as it is commonly known in the Congo, lunch, was once held up by the Abbie Hoffman-set as the model by which we, the vastly superior human race, should pattern our behaviors. While the ape’s failure to use any personal hygiene products would in itself qualify it for worship by the liberals, hippies claim that the monkey’s primary attribute is that it resolves differences not through violence, but rather via casual and without-consequence sex. The female chimp, or “Bonobo” (named after a 70’s singer who was killed by a tree and a contemporary singer who thinks, treasonously, that we should just “forgive” third-world debt,) produces but one child every five years, which proves that when you get down to it, nobody wants to have sex with a hippie.


It appears now that these pacifist primates, who like their human counterparts enjoy “expanding their mind” through intoxicants, are, unlike the aforementioned superior human race, on the brink of extinction. While tenured America-hating “scientists” who study these apes blame poaching for the population’s decline, other, more Jesus-loving experts offer more rational explanations. “These lazy monkeys have no jobs,” rightfully asserted simian-labor authority Bill O’Reilly. “If you ask me, and trust me, many do, these apes would be much better off if they’d enlist as lab animals. It’s an honest living, one many Mexicans would literally kill for. Besides, those cosmetics aren’t going to test themselves! Do the hippies suggest that someone like Katherine Harris should subject herself to being sprayed in the eyes with hair spritzer?”

Others with their finger firmly placed on Jesus’ pulse see the bigger picture. “For a century now the liberal elite have forced down our throats the absurd idea that the human race ‘evolved’ from lesser beings,” scoffed Rev. Pat Robertson, a man not prone to using the suffering of others to promote his own cause. “And now we learn that this so-called ‘peace primate’ is on the brink of vanishing, while God-fearing sons of Adam continue to not only thrive but kick serious Iraqi ass? Well, you can just chalk up a big win for intelligent design!”

Meanwhile President Bush, who in no way resembles a monkey, expressed remorse for the hippie monkey’s plight, but insisted that there was no way to foresee the ape’s extinction. “If there had,” commented the President with just the right amount of gravitas, “I would have moved heaven and earth to save them. That, or just sent in Michael Brown to save the day!”

Rex Kramer wishes to take this time to thank those who have passed along their best wishes for Mrs. Danger-Seeker’s pregnancy, and wants to assure you that, boy or girl, Baby Danger-Seeker will be loved…as long as it’s not some kind of hippie monkey.