Monday, March 06, 2006

“MAKE LOVE, NOT WAR” FAILS DARWIN’S THEORY

“Hippie Chimp” Going Way of the Dodo

(The Congo) Listen, if you must, to your average hippie, and it might babble on about how “all you need is love” or theorize in a blasphemous way how “love makes the world go ‘round.” This same God-less subspecies would no doubt attempt to poison your mind with something called the “theory of evolution,” which, in layman’s terms, means that humans are not of divine creation but rather a random descendant of a red-assed baboon. And while their little fantasies may be entertaining, they fail to stand up to a little something called “God’s will,” as evidenced by
the near-extinction of the “hippie chimp.”

The “hippie chimp,” or as it is commonly known in the Congo, lunch, was once held up by the Abbie Hoffman-set as the model by which we, the vastly superior human race, should pattern our behaviors. While the ape’s failure to use any personal hygiene products would in itself qualify it for worship by the liberals, hippies claim that the monkey’s primary attribute is that it resolves differences not through violence, but rather via casual and without-consequence sex. The female chimp, or “Bonobo” (named after a 70’s singer who was killed by a tree and a contemporary singer who thinks, treasonously, that we should just “forgive” third-world debt,) produces but one child every five years, which proves that when you get down to it, nobody wants to have sex with a hippie.



It appears now that these pacifist primates, who like their human counterparts enjoy “expanding their mind” through intoxicants, are, unlike the aforementioned superior human race, on the brink of extinction. While tenured America-hating “scientists” who study these apes blame poaching for the population’s decline, other, more Jesus-loving experts offer more rational explanations. “These lazy monkeys have no jobs,” rightfully asserted simian-labor authority Bill O’Reilly. “If you ask me, and trust me, many do, these apes would be much better off if they’d enlist as lab animals. It’s an honest living, one many Mexicans would literally kill for. Besides, those cosmetics aren’t going to test themselves! Do the hippies suggest that someone like
Katherine Harris should subject herself to being sprayed in the eyes with hair spritzer?”

Others with their finger firmly placed on Jesus’ pulse see the bigger picture. “For a century now the liberal elite have forced down our throats the absurd idea that the human race ‘evolved’ from lesser beings,” scoffed Rev. Pat Robertson, a man not prone to using the suffering of others to promote his own cause. “And now we learn that this so-called ‘peace primate’ is on the brink of vanishing, while God-fearing sons of Adam continue to not only thrive but kick serious Iraqi ass? Well, you can just chalk up a big win for intelligent design!”

Meanwhile President Bush,
who in no way resembles a monkey, expressed remorse for the hippie monkey’s plight, but insisted that there was no way to foresee the ape’s extinction. “If there had,” commented the President with just the right amount of gravitas, “I would have moved heaven and earth to save them. That, or just sent in Michael Brown to save the day!”

Rex Kramer wishes to take this time to thank those who have passed along their best wishes for Mrs. Danger-Seeker’s pregnancy, and wants to assure you that, boy or girl, Baby Danger-Seeker will be loved…as long as it’s not some kind of hippie monkey.

15 Comments:

Blogger Neil Shakespeare said...

So THAT'S how the bonobo got it's name! Suddenly everything is perfectly clear.

March 06, 2006 4:23 AM  
Blogger a rose is a rose said...

finally we find out SOMETHING o'reilly is an authority on!

March 06, 2006 6:48 AM  
Anonymous Anita said...

Just how many face lifts has Katherine Harris had? How many Bo-Tox injections. How many times have her cheek bones been padded? (And, speaking of padding, how much of her has been padded or lipo'd as she fluttered her 10-lb. eyelashes at her Floridian constituency?).

We hippie girls will live longer and our faces won't melt in the sun.

That's why we are NOT on the endangered species list. Contrary to your information.

March 06, 2006 7:29 AM  
Anonymous Anita said...

;)

March 06, 2006 7:37 AM  
Anonymous abi said...

Katherine Harris has had face lifts? My god, what did she look like before?

March 06, 2006 9:03 AM  
Blogger Left of Center said...

Harris is a plastic surgery disaster, As a floridian I cringe everytime I see her leathery puss.

March 06, 2006 9:13 AM  
Anonymous Anita said...

well ... i'm not SURE she's had face lifts ... I am ASSUMING she's had face lifts.

March 06, 2006 9:15 AM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

As anyone who has had the good fortune to be in Harris' luminous presence can tell you, her stunning beauty is the result of superior breeding, good conservative living, and a light hand with the makeup brush.

Also, as a native Floridian, Harris can often be seen on our state's beaches, where she usually models the latest in bikini fashion. As you might expect, she draws no shortage of stares!

March 06, 2006 9:38 AM  
Blogger pissed off patricia said...

OOOOOH, Yuck! Please I live in Florida too and I sure as hell never want to see her in person and surely not in a bikini. Shoot! Now I'm afraid to go to the beach again. Rex Kramer, danger seeker, I just love that name! But now you have "fraided me"

March 06, 2006 2:05 PM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Patricia, are we talking about the same Katherine Harris? The one I know has won seventeen consecutive wet t-shirt contests held at Daytona's Salty Dog. Her impressive rack will be a major improvement over Bill Nelson's man-boobs come this November.

March 06, 2006 4:04 PM  
Blogger pissed off patricia said...

Well, perhaps not Mr. Danger Seeker. The one I'm talking about steals little spotted puppies and no one knows what she is doing with them. Last I heard she had about 101.

Okay my husband has to make frequent business trips to Daytona Bch. Could it possibly be that he is attending these wet t-shirt contest of which you speak? If he is, now you have "fraided me" even more.

But, but, but what if the lovely dog snatcher is in jail for taking puppies and other stuff, like money, from the infamous Mr. Abramoff?

March 06, 2006 4:57 PM  
Blogger pissed off patricia said...

Whoa nelly, I just noticed something. Mr. Abramoff has her "bra" stuffed into his name, followed by the word "off".
Have I broken the DeCrooked Code?

March 06, 2006 5:01 PM  
Anonymous Dude said...

I will morn the passing of the “Hippie Chimp” for it was they, and they alone that held monkey middle class values up to ridicule and scorn – and it was the “Hippie Chimp” that reminded the whole simian world....you ain’t no kind of rider....unless you’re an easy rider.

March 07, 2006 12:26 AM  
Blogger rev. billy bob gisher ©2005 said...

does it have to be the red-ass?

March 07, 2006 5:55 AM  
Blogger Elizabeth Branford said...

Aw, I just donated to the Bonobos, Rex! You ARE a creep. There's a program where the baby bonobo orphans are raised...


I'm getting a bonobo tattoo nect week.


You RESENT that I posted on the bonobos a week ago at Kvatch's!!!! HA!

March 08, 2006 7:52 PM  

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