Friday, March 03, 2006

WELCOME TO JESUSTOWN, FLORIDA!

Pizza Prince Plans Perfect Place for Pious Patriots

(Naples, FL) Blue state secularism got you down? Tired of passing Democrat-infested strip clubs on your way to church? Are you worried that Junior has hacked your TV’s V-chip and is being corrupted by those hippies at PBS? Well pack your bags, separate yourself from those church-state separatists, and move the family down to sunny, God-fearing
Ave Maria, Florida…a city more loved by Jesus than Bethlehem!

Florida’s newest city, the brainchild of Domino’s Pizza founder Thomas Monaghan, will be
founded on strict Catholic dogma and the ideal that salvation will be delivered within 30 minutes of moving in…or it’s free! Ave Marians will be blissfully un-tempted by the sins of pornography, birth control or speaking directly to God, as these and other affronts to God will be banned within the city limits. Abortion will not only be illegal, but will become the nation’s first municipal code offense that carries the death penalty.

While Jesus-hating hippies are threatening to file frivolous lawsuits if God’s law is enforced in the new city, Florida’s Attorney General has assured the faithful that Ave Maria’s mission is not only holy and pure, it’s all-American! Charlie Crist, a man with no intention of pandering to the masses
in search of higher office, quoted Catholic icon Ann Coulter in response to the hollow threats of civil liberties groupies, “Liberals hate God and the hate America. Besides, most of them are usually too stoned to vote.” Crist, a man so Jesus-loving that he has pledged to add an “h” to his last name if it pleases the church-going crowd, promised that if it is God’s will to someday make him governor, he will consider making Ave Maria’s charter the model for all of Florida.

Monaghan, an orphan raised by a pack of wild nuns, will build his new-world Eden around Ave Maria University, the nation’s first new Catholic college in four decades. The school recently announced it has formed along with Southern Methodist University, Liberty University, Brigham Young University, Orel Roberts University, and Bob Jones University (along with lesser faith-based schools) the Jesus-Espousing World Society of Scholastic Universities Competing in Knowledge, Brilliance And Lord-Loving Sports (JEWSSUCKBALLS) conference. The champion school in each sports will be determined to be “God’s chosen people,” while the losers will be justifiably smited. “Jesus hates losers,” logically stated Monaghan. “Losers like Papa John’s, Little Caesar’s, and the Democratic Party.”

Coming Attractions: Tomorrow, in keeping with a faith-based promise made to acknowledge
Lose the Noose’s misguided “CorruptCo” campaign, Spurious George will publish an open letter from patriot Kenneth Lay. Also, at The Blue Republic, Rex Kramer will spotlight the business world’s contribution to our sport culture in “Baseball: America’s Corporate Pastime.” Good times!

15 Comments:

Anonymous Anita said...

Is it "Orel" Roberts or "Oral" Roberts?

No matter. I'm just glad that, as a result reading of this god-fearing post, I finally figured out to whence I shall retire (when that time comes of course, in the VERY distant future): Ave Maria, Florida.

Praise Jesus. The rest of the world be smoted !!

March 03, 2006 9:55 PM  
Blogger Lew Scannon said...

This town sounds as lousy as Little Ceasar's pizza tastes. Let's hope all the virgins there are cheap and fast.

March 03, 2006 10:22 PM  
Blogger Midniter said...

I heart you in a big way.

March 04, 2006 4:31 AM  
Blogger a rose is a rose said...

dearest mr danger seeker, damn you (so to speak)! i didn't have any alliteration in MY posting

March 04, 2006 4:48 AM  
Blogger Neil Shakespeare said...

I believe the headline speaker at the JEWSSUCKBALLS Conference will be Eric Cartman, will it not?

March 04, 2006 6:07 AM  
Blogger pissed off patricia said...

Sadly, I live just a couple of hours away from this proposed Jesusville. Jeb gave it his blessing yesterday.

They'll destroy the land and put up this shit. Makes my stomach hurt just thinking about this insanity.

I like Cartman being the headline speaker, if he can't make it I'll do it for him, I can do a mean mimic of Cartman's voice.

March 04, 2006 9:25 AM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Anita: Oh, it'll be smoten. So smoten, it's not even funny!

Lew: That'll be 1,000 Hail Marys!

Midniter: Um, ok. You should know, however, that Mrs. Danger-Seeker is an extremely jealous woman and a Dick Cheney-class shot.

Rose: We here at SG don't know the meaning of the word "aliteration."

(No, seriously, what does it mean? Sounds vaguely scientific.)

Neil: If the youth of America were more like Cartman, I wouldn't worry at all about our future.

Patricia: This country was founded on destroying the land and putting up shit! In fact, I'm fairly certain those exact words are to be found somewhere in the Declaration of Independence (something about "pursuit of kick-assedness!"

March 04, 2006 9:56 AM  
Anonymous stacy b said...

I have an idea- why don't the red states declare themselves official states of Christiandom and secede from the union? We can give them Texas- it's big, hot and well, Texas.

Eventually they will kill each other off- they will have inquisitions and witch hunts galore and eventually we won't even have to bother with them.

Then we can take Texas back and turn it into a gay disney land.

March 04, 2006 12:34 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

Gay Disneyland?

I thought Disney World already had 1/2 tickets for Gay Day?

Anyway, I cannot begin to express my shock and awe at the shinnanigans of what goes on behind closed (and open) doors in the lively state of Florida.
With the latest, I believe Pat Robertson will be issuing a much needed statement of the upcoming wrath of God during hurricane season.

March 04, 2006 1:21 PM  
Anonymous Dude said...

Ave Maria
Full of Republicans

March 04, 2006 3:38 PM  
Blogger Left of Center said...

I used to live acrossed the street from the first Domino’s Pizza in Ypsilanti Michigan. Monaghan was a nut case way back then. Now I've been in the wonderful Gunshine state for over a decade now, and the creepy bastard follows me here. OI!

March 04, 2006 5:33 PM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Stacy B: "Gay Disneyland," is, of course, redundant. I mean, c'mon...most of the characters plance around sans pants, their biggest star is a falsetto-voiced dandy, and, hello? Tinkerbell?

AJ: Thankfully, we here have folks like Jeb Bush, Monaghan and, well, me, to balance out the God-wrath-inducing hippies.

Dude: Hallowed be thy name.

LOC: Where I come from, we call that a "sign." Come over to the dark, er, I mean "right" side!

March 04, 2006 8:28 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

good grief, Left of Center lives there AND Piss of Pattie too????

Doesn't anybody know Florida is going to be under water in 20 years???
Must be another conspiracy theory.

March 04, 2006 9:24 PM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

So FL will be under water in just 20 years?

Thank God...I was beginning to think I wasn't going to live to see the Rapture!

March 04, 2006 10:34 PM  
Anonymous Lily said...

Thank you Rex for honoring your faith based promise.

March 04, 2006 10:59 PM  

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