Thursday, March 02, 2006

FALWELL TO JEWS: “FIND YOUR OWN HEAVEN!”

Christian Heaven Would Be “Awkward” For Jesus’ Killers

(Lynchburg, VA) Rev. Jerry Falwell, a man third only to Rev. Pat Robertson and President Bush in his ability to divine God’s will, today announced that there’s a sign posted at heaven’s gate, and it reads “
Christians Only Need Apply.”

"Anybody who knows me knows that I believe that Christ is the way, the truth, the life, the only way to heaven,*" reasonably stated Jesus’ Chosen Spokesperson, who explained that as Christ rules in heaven, it would be awkward for His Jewish killers or Islamic blasphemers to share His celestial home. Reasoned Falwell, “I mean, would Hitler or Ramses be invited to hang out in ‘Jew Heaven?’ I sayeth, no.” Falwell comforted his many Hebrew admirers by assuring them that Jewish Heaven is almost as nice as the Christian version, albeit without golf courses or chances for high political offices. As for Islamic Heaven, Falwell admitted that martyrs will be pleasured by virgins, “but ugly ones, and they all have ‘the clap.”

The good Reverend’s proclamation was greeted with enthusiasm by those who have led clean, Christian lives, and would prefer in a non-prejudiced way to be among only fellow believers in the afterlife. “Many of my friends are Jewish, but I’d rather not have to listen to them kvetch for all eternity,” remarked the extremely-tolerant friend of Israel Tom DeLay. “Besides, there’s no need for money in heaven, so why would I even need an accountant?”

Moral Majority-founder and Left Behind series author Timothy LaHaye agreed that Jews will be absent in heaven, but also believes that Falwell failed to fully disclose exactly how exclusive heaven will be. “As made clear in the revelations in the genesis of my series, Catholics as well will be left behind after the Rapture. This should come as no great surprise to anyone, as we all know the papists eat their babies.” LaHaye offered a sneak peek at the latest installment in his best-selling series, Left Behind XXIV: The Hippies, when he revealed that Democrats, unionists, African-Americans and “cutters and runners” will also be forsaken when Judgment Day arrives.

Democratic lobbyist Jack Abramoff, however, took issue with Falwell’s, and thus Jesus’, words. “As a Jewish man who wishes only to continue giving dirty money exclusively to Democratic candidates, how will I earn my despicable living if separated from the Harry Reids of the world in the hereafter?”

* - Indicates Actual Quote

12 Comments:

Blogger Adorable Girlfriend said...

He's so smart! It's like the free ride when I've already paid. News flash: Jerry you dumb cluck, Jews don't believe in heaven or the after life. Unlike you Falwell, we do right by people on earth so that we don't have to cleanse our sinful soul later.

Seriously, why hasn't this man been shot at yet?

March 02, 2006 8:32 PM  
Anonymous Dude said...

martyrs will be pleasured by virgins, “but ugly ones, and they all have ‘the clap.”

The wonder that is the Lord - he can make a virgin who already has the clap.

March 02, 2006 9:04 PM  
Anonymous abi said...

So let's see. There's a Christian Heaven and a Jewish Heaven and an Islamic Heaven. But what about My Blue Heaven, where all good Democrats go after living lives of quiet desperation here on earth?

March 02, 2006 9:47 PM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

AG: Easy, there! Smiting is the exclusive domain of Pat Robertson (violators will be smited!)

Dude: Are you daring to question His infinite wisdom? What next...intelligent design?

Abi: I'm sorry, "My Blue Heaven" is exclusively reserved for Steve Martin, Harvey Keitel, and Rick Moranis.

March 02, 2006 10:16 PM  
Blogger Lew Scannon said...

The only thing that saves Jerry from being an anti-semite is the praise he heaps on the Israeli government as it wipes the Holy Land clean of Palestinians.

March 02, 2006 11:13 PM  
Blogger Neil Shakespeare said...

I tell ya, ol' Jerry is gonna be REAL surprised to find out that Heaven is only for Swedish Lutherans!

March 03, 2006 5:19 AM  
Blogger a rose is a rose said...

you know what dear mr dangerous kramer? i ALMOST want to start believing in hell just so falwell has a place to go when he leaves THIS world

March 03, 2006 6:26 AM  
Blogger a rose is a rose said...

and lew you know WHY he is all for the isreali homeland right? because god (when the isrealis are done cleaning up what THEY have to do) is gonna smite THEM and wipe THEM off of the face of the earth (which of course was ONLY MEANT FOR GOOD CHRISTIANS any damn way

March 03, 2006 6:27 AM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Lew: How many times must I remind you? We NEED the Holy Land wiped clean to provide space for the Four Horsemen! How else will the blessed Rapture come to pass?

Neil: We here at SG have a few Lutherans on the staff, and while we tolerate their speaking-in-tongues during their coffee breaks, I can assure you their snake-handling ways will not be allowed in the hereafter.

Rose: I have it on good authority that in hell, Howard Dean screeches in your ear for all eternity. Why would you wish such a fate on anyone?

March 03, 2006 8:25 AM  
Blogger -epm said...

I thought the Pope and Mel (Gibson) already settled the matter? Heaven is assigned seating only and all the seats are assigned to Catholics. Specifically Roman Catholics, I think it was.

From what I gather, unlike Jerry (who's a heretical, unrepentant Protestant and therefore outside the Grace of the Church and so doomed to burn in perpetual torment in the fiery pit of the Damned) the Pope and Mel believe God has some number of special get into heaven free cards that he can hand out as special prizes, or whatever, to non-Catholics. But those are pretty rare, I guess, and you've got to have done something really, really holy like, I don't know, shuffled pedophile priests from parish to parish, or something like that.

I probably won't get in though, since I've used birth control. Shit.

March 03, 2006 10:38 AM  
Blogger -epm said...

The only thing that saves Jerry from being an anti-semite is the praise he heaps on the Israeli government...

That merely keeps him from being an anti-zionist... Make no mistake, the man's an anti-semite.

March 03, 2006 12:10 PM  
Anonymous LILY BRANFORD said...

I swear Neil is from Lake Wobegone.

March 03, 2006 8:49 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home