Tuesday, March 07, 2006

THE TORTOISES AND THE HAMMER

Tom DeLay Confident Opponents Offer No Challenge

Proving that he is in now way influenced by Washington lobbyists, Rep. Rom DeLay (R-TX) will attend an election-day fundraiser on his behalf, hosted
by Washington lobbyists. Today, while registered Republicans in Texas’ 22nd District go to the polls to carry out the mere formality of re-nominating the popular Congressman, DeLay will be feted in DC by GOP power couple Bill Paxon and Susan Molinari. "I think he will win relatively easily and without a runoff," said Carl Forti, communications director for the National Republican Campaign Committee. “Although his so-called opponents are Republicans, they love America significantly less than Tom DeLay.

A dismissing glance at the competition only supports Forti’s accurate assessment.
Pat Baig is a retired teacher who, like all teachers, is loyal above all else to the socialist National Education Association. Mike Fjetland, a Texas attorney who could benefit his clients by going quail-hunting with the Vice President, is making his fourth attempt to unseat DeLay, and America has made it quite clear that she hates a loser. The third and most America-hating candidate is another attorney, Tom Campbell. Campbell appears to be running on an “I’m not Tom Delay” platform, which is a questionable strategy, given that most men would kill to be DeLay. In fact, it is rumored that the “Sugarland Sugar Daddy” is being considered by People magazine as 2006’s “Sexiest Man Alive.”

Asked if his absence from his home district on election night sent the wrong message to his constituents, DeLay dismissed the suggestion as the former exterminator would a cockroach. “Those lemmings? Are you kidding me? I’ve been investigated, indicted, and censured, and STILL those idiots worship me as a god. No, make that ‘God” with a capital G, and I don’t care if the Bible-thumpers don’t like it. I could skull-fuck the Virgin Mary on Christmas Eve, and they’d still line my pockets thanks to that veggie Terri Schiavo”

Washington insiders, even the Democratic ones, believe DeLay will emerge from today’s primary with nary a scratch. In the November mid-term elections, DeLay will most likely crush the Democrat’s latest sacrificial lamb, and subsequently re-assume a House leadership position once the Republican majority is expanded, the charges against him are exposed as the partisan hack-job that it is, and Jack Abramoff is swimming with the fishes. To top it off, there are rumblings that come next March, DeLay may be accepting an Oscar for his performance in an exciting
new documentary. “I haven’t actually seen it yet, but I hear it’s very flattering,” remarked DeLay at his $1,000 a plate fundraiser. “I mean, how can it not be? I’m the Hammer, baby!”

Update: DeLay crushes his enemies, sees them driven before him, and hears the lamentations of their women!

10 Comments:

Anonymous Dude said...

Tom DeLay awaits the same fate of the “Hippie Chimp”...somebody (the Democratic candidate in this case) is going to have him for lunch.

March 08, 2006 2:03 AM  
Blogger a rose is a rose said...

i sho do hope dude is right. i get a hankerin' he ain't tho

March 08, 2006 5:43 AM  
Blogger pissed off patricia said...

Take Tom hunting, please Dick. Then next trip take yourself hunting.

Yeah, that Tom is quiet a looker. Well if you like looking at day old dog shit.

March 08, 2006 9:54 AM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Rose is dead-on...the Hammer can't be stopped. He is a force of nature, an immovable object, an irreistable force. The sooner you hippies accept it, the quicker we can get on with the business of kicking Iran's ass!

March 08, 2006 1:49 PM  
Blogger pissed off patricia said...

'Scues me, but what exactly are we going to use for a boot when we kick Iran's ass. Aren't just about all our tired boots on the ground in Iraq?

Let old dick take tom quail hunting, that'll stop his ass, at least for a few days unless old dick has become a better shot.

March 08, 2006 3:18 PM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

While I like the idea of human target practice, why would we ever use a productive patriot like Tom Terrific when the hippie population is out of control?

I say we give the hippies two choices: join the Iran ass-kicking army, or go hunting with Dick.

March 08, 2006 4:08 PM  
Blogger pissed off patricia said...

If we go hunting with dick, do we get to have a gun too? If dick shoots me, I'm not going down as easy as old Harry did. I'm firing back.

March 08, 2006 7:39 PM  
Anonymous LILY BRANFORD said...

If you keep dangling hot Republican ass like that in front of us hippies, you WILL have to control our population. What woman doesn't lose her sense when she sees Delay?

DeLay is like randy-candy.

Thank Jesus for lefty moral relativism.

March 08, 2006 7:46 PM  
Anonymous The Biblical Voice Of Charlton Heston said...

I heard Lew Scannon say: "I'd pay a thousand dollars a plate for a DISH like DELAY!!!!"


Lew was having a brokeback moment.

March 08, 2006 7:48 PM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

P.O'd Patty: "Hunting with Dick?" Sounds like an excellent pitch for a show on the Outdoor Life Network...if it weren't so gay.

Lily: 'Tis true. Why, even Mrs. Danger-Seeker admits she's turned on by the swagger of power (this is why I keep her away from my weekly GOP prayer meetings.)

Charlie's Voice: Hey now! My folks at Diebold were successful in keeping Brokeback from winning the Oscar, and you just gave their gay-agenda, um, agenda free publicity!

March 08, 2006 9:27 PM  

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