Wednesday, March 08, 2006


Uppity House Republicans Cut and Run on Port Deal

(Washington) Giving aid and comfort to the enemy, so-called loyal Republicans of the House Appropriations Committee
today moved dangerously close toward treason when they failed to wholly support the transfer of a few minor ports to our allies in the War on Terror© in the UAE. The inexcusable lack of fealty to our nation’s infallible president was predictably championed by anti-Arab Democrats, but was inexplicably joined by previously patriotic Republicans such as Bill Young (R-FL.) “One of the most vulnerable situations facing America is our ports of entry,*” exaggerated the fear-mongering Congressman. “Whoever’s responsible for those ports of entry should be American.*”

Young’s racist remarks were rejected by White House press secretary Scott McClellan, whose family emigrated to America from Dubai’s “Irish Quarter” only after it was discovered that potatoes grow poorly in the sand. “Frankly, after 18 terms in the House, I would expect Congressman Young would have a little more tolerance for people different from himself.” Despite Young’s arab-phobia, McClellan pledged that President Bush sincerely hoped that Congress would soon see the error of their ways. “We’re continuing to work closely with Congress*, even if they’re a bunch of corrupt, lobbyist-coddling poll-readers.”

White House assistant chief of staff Karl Rove, an apolitical appointee, echoed McClellan’s accusation. “Clearly, the House’s treachery is, I’m ashamed to say, politically motivated.” According to Rove most Americans, not thoroughly convinced that it was Iraqis and not citizens of the America-loving UAE that flew the planes on 9/11 (the Day that Changed Everything©,) falsely believe that the UAE may not guard our ports with fanatic zeal. “As a result, some fair-weather Congressmen feel that doing the right thing and heeding their Commander-in-Chief’s wishes will affect their re-election prospects. Frankly, I find this kind of fear-mongering pandering offensive.”

President Bush, taking time away from accurately
blaming Congress for the lack of progress in re-building the Gulf Coast, threatened to veto any bill that puts the kabob on the port deal. “It has come to my understanding that I can veto stuff. That is to say, I have the authority to veto. That’s a funny word, isn’t it? Veto, veto, veto! Hehehe. Victor Veto and Freddy Vasco ate a burrito with Tabasco! May God continue to bless America!” Although the Senate and the House believe they have enough votes to override the President’s veto, Bush has been assured by the Attorney General’s office that he has the Constitutional authority, in times of war, to override the override based upon the historical precedent of “Cause I Say So.”

* - Indicates actual quote (See? We here at SG don’t make EVERYTHING up!)


Anonymous Reynaud said...

I am shocked to discover there is gambling going on here!

March 08, 2006 10:53 PM  
Blogger Lew Scannon said...

wait a minute, you actually make this stuff up? No wonder my friends at work look at me like a loony when I quote you as a source. Next you'll be telling me Rush Limbaugh makes his stuff up too.

March 08, 2006 11:45 PM  
Blogger Neil Shakespeare said...

I also understand that when the Congress dared to dare him, Bush double-dared them. And when they double-double-dared back, he triple-dared them. So they quadruple dared him...and he had Cheney shoot the bastards.

March 09, 2006 4:10 AM  
Blogger Kvatch said...

Oh how wrong you are my patriotic friend.

Congress merely stopped our almost infallible leader from making a horrible mistake. Indeed, they stepped in to make sure that the ports are run by a company that practically oozes patriotic zeal. Of course I mean...Halliburton!

I'm swelling with patriotic pride just thinking about it.

March 10, 2006 10:00 AM  

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