Sunday, May 14, 2006

PATRIOTIC POTPOURRI, PART IV

Forgotten Baubles from the Junk Drawer of Democracy!

Ed. Note: Before heading off to the beach today, Rex Kramer filtered through his files, looking for stories that may have eluded your (but never his) attention. Listen up, and if you’re not careful, you just might learn something!

Hollywood Hates America!

Actor Mel Gibson, who once starred as “The Patriot,” is now anything but. Whoring his new film, Apocolypto, compared President Bush to brutal Mayan dictators. We thought this man was a Christian!

Hollywood Loves Criminals!

Only in Hollywood! Murderer of white women O.J. Simpson is set to star in a pay-per-view debacle Juiced! (for which he will allegedly not be paid) that includes a parody of his infamous White Bronco “chase.” Sources in heaven say his murdered wife is not laughing.

Hollywood Loves Lawyers!

Is there anyone Tom Cruise won’t sue? Now the diminutive cultists has called out his Heaven’s Gate attorneys on relic Joan Rivers for the inexcusable offense of making a joke about Cruise’s ability to father a child. Note to Tom: no amount of frivolous lawsuits will make you any less gay.

Hollywood Hates Jesus!

Coming soon to blasphemous theaters near you: The DaVinci Code. This piece of fiction would have you believe that Jesus married Mary Magdalene and bore children (sorry if I spoiled it for you.) I mean, are you going to believe that bit of tripe, of the fact that the Son of God was born by a virgin mother, died, was resurrected, now sits on his heavenly throne judging everything you do, and ultimately will return and scoop up all of His believers into heaven? Duh!

10 Comments:

Blogger sumo said...

I laughed until I cried! Me: seriously Jesus may have had sex? And...with a whore? OMG! That's some serious fiction...or so says the Catholic church...hmmm.

May 14, 2006 3:06 AM  
Blogger Carrie Oakey said...

Jesus would never sleep with a whore! You should be ashamed for even suggesting it! But I believe Tom Cruise is gay, I live in Hollywood, and you can't find a good looking normal guy anywhere!

May 14, 2006 1:32 PM  
Blogger Dude said...

And now I suppose you're going to tell us that Rock Hudson was gay...and Montgomery Cliff, Richard Chamberlain, Van Johnson, Danny Kay, George Maharis, Sal Mineo, Dick Sargent (hmmm...Dick Sargent and Van Johnson...yikes). Well, I just refuse to believe it.

May 14, 2006 3:44 PM  
Blogger Reichsminister Karl said...

We have a few recordings from Cruise's cell phone ... Mehlman and I sit around nights and listen to them. You have no idea.

May 14, 2006 4:06 PM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Sumo: Agreed. Still, did you catch Monica Bellucci in "The Passion?" If Jesus was going to tag anyone, I suspect it'd be someone like her.

Carrie: Get out of Hollywood before it eats you alive!

Dude: I don't know who these people are you're talking about, but I can only assume their part of the Hollywood-set. Thus, they must be gay. Hey, I don't make the rules!

My Man Karl: Careful, or "Turning Tricks" Tom will sic his lawyers on you!

May 14, 2006 5:45 PM  
Blogger GraemeAnfinson said...

I had no idea Mel turned his back on his friend in Jesus! I am taking down my Maverick poster

May 14, 2006 5:51 PM  
Blogger sumo said...

You are right about Monica B. she's a magnet of passion alright...Jesus was remiss sometimes I'm sure. Bet they had their own kind of herb viagra.

May 15, 2006 3:48 AM  
Blogger pissed off patricia said...

Not much of a Hollywood fan kind of person. Does that make me conservative?
YIKES!

May 15, 2006 8:28 AM  
Blogger betmo said...

i thought tom cruise was impotent- not gay. everyone knows katie got preggers before starting to date tom. :)

May 15, 2006 8:56 AM  
Blogger Elizabeth Branford said...

Maybe they edited the part where he fell off Oprah's furniture and injured his...

May 15, 2006 9:04 AM  

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