Friday, May 12, 2006


Rumsfeld: Posse Comitatus Act of 1878 “for Pussies!”

(Washington) Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, as one might expect, firmly believes the old football adage that “the best offense is a good defense” (except in Iraq, where the best offense is clearly a “bomb, bomb, repeat” offense.) With that philosophy in mind, Rumsfeld announced that well-rested, returning from Iraq (earlier than expected)
troops will be sent to America’s southern border to keep at bay the Mexican horde. “We’re at war, people!” announced the DefSec to a gaggle of liberal media-types. “As you know, you go to war with the thinly-stretched, under-equipped Army you have, not the Army you wish you had.”

Calmly addressing shrill fears that the Army was “crossing the Rubicon,” Rumsfeld explained that only the military was equipped to control the mass influx of potential terrorists who cross the Rio Grande every day. “With all due respect to the Border Patrol and the volunteer Minutemen…American heroes, all…they are not adequately trained or armed for a wartime mission. Luckily, our boys in uniform are well-experienced in that regard.”

Critics of the mobilization have cited the Posse Comitatus Act of 1878, that prohibited national military forces from engaging in domestic law enforcement efforts, as an indication that the administration is disobeying the law. Nothing could be further from the truth, attested our nation’s foremost legal scholar, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales. “When Chester A. Arthur, a Republican I should point out, and thus a man well-versed in keeping America safe, signed that Act, he made a signing statement in which he declared that the law could be ignored by future Presidents.” When asked by members of the uppity press if any evidence of such a statement existed, Gonzales rightfully stated that making such requests served only to provide aid and comfort to the enemy.

Others within the agency hailed to move to bring the protection of our borders under military control. CIA Director-nominee Gen. Michael Hayden was particularly supportive of the move. “In times of war, which we are now in and will be for the foreseeable future, God willing, it would be irresponsible to suggest that any entity other than the Army should be protecting our freedoms.” General Hayden added that, while our freedoms are under attack, all government functions could use a little military oversight. “If I were in charge, I’d put a military man at the head of the Department of Education. Those long-haired, bad-mouthing-their-country hippie kids could stand a little discipline! Besides, well, recruiting has been a little down of late.”

On the inferior side of the Rio Grande, Mexican officials have pledged full support for the plan to militarize the border region. Through El Presidente Spokesmano Tony Snow, President Vicente Fox announced that “anything Bush wants is OK with him.”


Blogger Publius said...

I am only sad by one thing in this post, that’s its not true. I say put the Guard down there while we build the wall. But, don’t think Vicente will support it regardless of what our President says, Vicente has his own agenda and that is to encourage illegal immigration to the U.S. otherwise his corrupt government might actually have to start to take care of its own people, take down the powerful drug cartels, end corruption, and provide social services to the Mexican people.

May 12, 2006 10:34 PM  
Blogger sumo said...

I agree.

May 13, 2006 2:53 AM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Pub: Why should "we" build the wall? I mean, is it MY fault the greasy little buggers keep trying to come here? No! I say we round up the illegals already here, set up work camps along the border and, under the paternalistic guidance of Halliburton, get that wall built! If Fox doesn't like it, well, he knows which side his burrito is buttered on.

Sumo: Stop being so damn agreeable!

May 13, 2006 8:34 AM  
Anonymous abi said...

This is a brilliant idea. Instead of sending troops back to Iraq for a 4th and 5th tour, we put 'em on the Mexican border and round up as many of the interolopers as we can. Then we put 'em in the military and send them to Iraq.

This ingenious plan is actually an extention of the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" program. Instead of just asking if a potential military recruit is an American citizen, we just assume they are, and give them a uniform, a gun, and a Spanish-American dictionary.

May 13, 2006 11:07 AM  
Anonymous abi said...

BTW, I'm not asking whether "interolopers" is a word, so please don't tell me that it isn't.

May 13, 2006 11:09 AM  

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