KENNEDY KILLS AGAIN?

Ted’s Boy Wrecks; Police Search for Drowned Co-Ed

(Washington) Proving once again that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree around which one might find the twisted wreckage of a car with Massachusetts plates, Rep. Patrick Kennedy (D-RI) today admitted that his recent auto accident was the result of…big surprise…substance abuse. Even less shocking was the fact that local police, under pressure from the Kennedy political machine, covered up evidence of the son of Ted Kennedy’s drunken debacle…going so far as to failing to give Kennedy a sobriety test and subsequently driving him home. Although under the competent umbrella of Homeland Security, Capitol Police acted negligently, admitted an agency spokesman. “While we gave him the preferential treatment befitting a man of his heritage, we inexcusably failed to apologize for allowing a construction zone along his route home, and for permitting a physical barrier in front of his direction of travel.”



Using the authority granted him by the Patriot Act (don’t believe us? Read it yourself,) President Bush reassigned responsibility for investigating the incident to various law enforcement agencies. Taking immediate action, the Justice Department executed warrant-less searches of every residence and vehicle owned by anyone named “Kennedy,” while the FBI dredged the Potomac (as well as the reflecting pool) for evidence of any drowned co-eds. “While there exists no evidence that Congressman Kennedy intentionally wrecked his vehicle, allowed a young woman to drown, and then leave the scene, it would be irresponsible to not suggest that it may have happened,” fittingly remarked FBI Director Robert Mueller. “My office will release more innuendo and rumor as it becomes available.”

Rep. Kennedy’s national disgrace has rekindled memories of other family members who couldn’t hold their liquor. Family patriarch and closet cross-dresser Joseph Kennedy was known among his few heterosexual friends as “Shitface McDrunkypants.” President John F. Kennedy, while an undergrad at Harvard, often mopped up his whiskey-induced vomit with an American flag. As commander-in-chief his addiction was directly responsible for such “bad calls” as the Bay of Pigs, his open infidelity, and the decision to ride in a convertible on that fateful day (thinking the fresh air would clear the webs of his hangover.) Senator Kennedy, as everyone knows, is much like O.J. Simpson, an unconvicted killer, and to this day remorselessly sends a bottle of cheap vodka to the Kopechne family every year on the anniversary of their daughter’s death.

“Don’t forget about poor John-John,” reminded unofficial Kennedy family biographer Rush Limbaugh. “Did you see him wobble while saluting his father’s passing casket? That wasn’t emotion…that was grandma Rose feeding him a snoot of cognac!” The dashing young Kennedy’s life-long battle with the bottle ultimately contributed to his own death, as many believe he was snorting vodka shots off his young wife’s taut stomach when the plane he was piloting collided with the unforgiving waters below. “The only things the Kennedys haven’t wrecked is America,” quipped Limbaugh. “But it hasn’t been for a lack of trying.”