Tuesday, April 25, 2006

GAS PUMP WOES? BLAME THE TREE-HUGGERS!

Bush: Enviro-Nazis Cause of High Fuel Costs

(Washington) Feeling pressure to curb skyrocketing fuel costs, President Bush announced today what most Americans already knew; hippies are to blame for excessive oil prices. “I'm directing EPA administrator Johnson to use all of his available authority to grant waivers that would relieve critical fuel supply shortages, and I do that for the sake of our consumers,*” invoked the President, addressing ridiculous and outdated regulations put in place by the hippie-friendly Carter administration. Left unsaid, but understood as a given, is that such regulations only serve to provide aid and comfort to the enemies.

The President’s “War on Tree-Hugging©” was applauded by those who have raged against the power monopoly environmentalists have enjoyed for decades. “You know why those penguin-poking hippies have fought tooth and nail against drilling in the ANWR, don’t you?” rhetorically asked Senator Ted Stevens of Alaska. “That’s where they grow their weed!” Stevens, as most true Americans know, has long been a proponent of oil exploration in the lifeless wastelands of his home state, and has repeatedly and reasonably protested that EPA regulations are far too restrictive. “I mean, so what if we have a major spill? Have you ever been to central Alaska? It’s a frozen hell! Imagine the 9th Ward frozen solid and with less black folks, and you get an idea of what the ANWR is really like.”

Other like-minded patriots were hopeful that the President’s actions would result in even more necessary EPA waivers. “If we could just get those lab geeks off of our backs, just think of what we could accomplish in the Everglades,” fantasized Senator Mel Martinez (R-FL.) “Think about it. You’d be hard-pressed to find any reasonable person who’d argue that unregulated sugar farming coupled with rapid condominium development wouldn’t help bring down oil prices. It’s science, people!”

Others deeply concerned with this nation’s Addiction to Foreign Oil© also offered ideas how a watered-down EPA could assist in curbing rampant fuel cost increases. “Why, with the Enviro-Nazis out of the way, I could shoot as many lawyers as I wanted. No limit!” cheered Vice President Cheney. “As any government scientist could tell you, the average attorney, when properly squeezed, produced 6-8 gallons of sweet, sweet crude oil! That’s just good for America, people!”

While President Bush stated that his lifting of EPA regulations was only temporary, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales later issued a position paper in which it was clearly stated that any temporary order issued by the President during times of war is, per the Patriot Act, permanent.

* - Indicates Actual Quote (No, Really)

7 Comments:

Blogger fashiongirl said...

It's a spectacular fall from grace ladies and gentleman. The comeback kid, the Seabiscuit of the last election. Coming from behind to win the big race, and now he's lamed by this unwinnable war in Iraq (or is that Afghanistan, Iran...I forget)and the high price of petrol. It's just sad ladies and gentleman. Let's bow our heads for a moment of silence. Hey wait, I'm a tree-hugger, what the HELL am I saying?!

April 26, 2006 12:14 AM  
Blogger a rose is a rose said...

i feel all dirty and slimy and greasy just READING this (and NOT in a good way either)

April 26, 2006 6:12 AM  
Blogger Elizabeth Branford said...

Now Rex, you know damn well that pot does NOT thrive on the tundra!!!!!

April 26, 2006 9:05 AM  
Blogger pissed off patricia said...

Ted Stevens should be tied to a stake and left at ANWR. Let the animals feast on his dried up old body. When he's gone slap cheney there. He's big enough to feed all the animals for a week or so.

April 26, 2006 10:08 AM  
Blogger Blogenfreude said...

...and I do that for the sake of our consumers.

Sounds like he's the guy standing at the pump with the second mortgage papers for your house ...

April 26, 2006 12:37 PM  
Blogger Kathy said...

Bush and the clean air hating Republicans needs to chill out and stop waging war in the Middle East. We're all going to gag to death because of their environmental policies so why bother?

April 26, 2006 2:26 PM  
Blogger Kvatch said...

EPA - (E)nvironmental (P)etroleum (A)ss-kissers

April 26, 2006 4:22 PM  

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