RUMMY FIGHTS BACK!

Sec of Defense Far From Defenseless

(Washington) As Dick Cheney recently proved, not even a shotgun blast to the face can keep a good conservative down for long. Inspired by the Vice President’s tragic ordeal, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, recently the target of the ill-conceived criticisms of a handful of bitter, partisan retired military “leaders,” has refused to allow their verbal bullets to distract him from his solemn, patriotic duty. “Fuck ‘em all,” offered the DefSec to his enemies, using a colorful Sicilian colloquialism he recently learned from Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia. “Last time I checked, soldiers, even those with stars on their collars that their daddies bought for them, work for me. Can the fry guy fire the manager at McDonalds? Hell no!” For effect at his Pentagon press conference, Rumsfeld grabbed the closest man in uniform and beat him senseless, “just to show these pricks who’s boss!”

A man as virile as the Defense Secretary hardly needs anyone to defend him, but that’s exactly what a Coalition of Willing Friends have stepped up to do. President Bush, like Rumsfeld a combat veteran, has expressed full support for his brother-in-arms. “Earlier today I spoke with Don Rumsfeld about ongoing military operations in the Global War on Terror®. I reiterated my strong support for his leadership during this historic and challenging time for our nation.*” The President went on to note that Rumsfeld has served this country under three of the four greatest presidents of all time, and will without doubt make Jeb Bush a fine Pentagon chief during the upcoming “War on Terror, Part II.”

Speaking from the grave, another President under whom Rumsfeld made ingenious and bold decisions heaped praise upon his former aide. “Rummy is tough enough. He’s a ruthless little bastard,*” said Richard Nixon of Rumsfeld’s legendary ability to stay the course when the going got tough, when the rejectionists whined, or when tapes needed to be erased. “Sure, he’s a cocky little twat, but let me tell you, if you put him in a room full of retired generals armed with nothing but that creepy grin of his, I can assure you by the end of the day those generals would either be singing his praises or prying Rummy’s boot out of their asses.” Nixon went on to say “it’s really hot in here,” and “sitting in a boiling cauldron of my own feces for all eternity” is still infinitely preferable to cutting and running in Vietnam/Iraq.

As for the retired senior military officers who have inexplicably bad-mouthed their former boss, the vast majority of more-patriotic veterans have denounced their actions, which they believe only serve to give aid and comfort to the enemy…Democrats! Rear Admiral Roy Hoffman (USN-Ret) called the generals’ acts “despicable and blatantly political.” Hoffman, founder of the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth group that saved this nation from a John Kerry presidency, was offended that any senior officer would use his status to affect the political process. “I took an oath to defend the Constitution, even if it is just a piece of paper, and not the hippies who would have us cut and run from our obligations,” Hoffman indignantly avowed. “It makes me sea-sick to hear so-called men of honor act as mouthpieces for some political agenda! For shame!”

(*) – Indicates Actual Quote(s)

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