Friday, March 31, 2006


Missing Reporter Described as Tall, Dark and Patriotic

(Orlando) In a brief press conference, Spurious George senior editor Robert Bork today announced the words that no American wants to hear: Rex Kramer is missing.

Last seen in his office applying white liquid paper to the Constitution’s 22nd Amendment late into the evening, Rex failed to show up for work for the first time since the first Bush administration. Theories abound as to his current whereabouts; some believe he re-enlisted and is currently kicking rejectionist ass in Iraq, while others are certain he has rushed to the aid of Katherine Harris’ senatorial campaign. While it is possible he is standing guard on the Rio Grande against the Mexican horde, many are convinced (and rightly so) that God needed a patriotic angel, and summoned him to heaven to head up a divine think tank/lobbying firm.

In any event, the sole clue to his fate is a letter penned in red ink upon white paper and stuffed in a white envelope that was found on his desk among his many personal mementos donated by every Republican president since Ike. In it, Rex cryptically explains that he is taking a break for the purpose of “traveling the blogosphere, and bringing America-loving to the unwashed hippie masses.”

Law enforcement authorities and grammar geeks contend that “blogosphere” is not a real place or word, and that its’ inclusion in Kramer’s correspondence indicates that he is possibly being held against his will. While no ransom demands have been received, it is expected that the brutal hippies that lurk amongst us will demand legalized marijuana and an endless supply of Doritos.


Anonymous Anita said...

Oh no. Can it be that Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker, has gotten himself mixed up with Carmen San Diego?

March 31, 2006 8:37 PM  
Blogger Kvatch said...

But in breaking news...

Indianapolis police revealed that Rex Kramer actually faked his abduction in order to travel to Indiana so that he could root, incognito, for the accursed Florida Gators in their futile quest to beat the super-patriotic, beloved of God, George Mason University Patriots.

March 31, 2006 8:39 PM  
Blogger Elizabeth Branford said...

Travelling the blogosphere,like, a missionary????

Or more like Johnny appleseed, sowing your felicitous rovian logic??

Ah, who cares. Where's my dope, FEDS???

Google "Pussiliency". I am so tired of whoring this idea. Please, dammit, spread the word to lend legitimacy to the term. Last week, there were no results. But thanks to the magic of hippies with no lives...


March 31, 2006 10:18 PM  
Anonymous abi said...

Rex, come back. A right-thinking, Baby-Jesus-loving patriot like yourself wandering alone in the America-hating blogosphere is too dangerous — even for a danger seeker like you. I'm afraid there'll be nothing left of you but the right-arrow key from your liberty-spreading keyboard, mailed back to the luxurious Spurious George headquarters smeared with orange Dorito dust. Oh, the humanity...

March 31, 2006 10:56 PM  
Blogger Lew Scannon said...

I believe Mr. Kramer is actually down in Palm Beach for the week making his own "Girls Gone Wild" Video, but didn't want Mrs. Kramer (or is that Ms. Kramer?) to find out about it.
Mr. Kramer would never let himself get captured by pot smokin' Phish lovin' Doritos eatin' hippies.

April 01, 2006 12:05 AM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Fellow Patriots: Your prayers for my safe return not only aided in my recovery, but put a big ol' smile on the face of Baby Jesus!

Anita: "Carmen San Diego?" I believe she was rounded up in the last illegal immigrant sting operation.

Kvatch: Have you ever considered that George Mason adopted their patriotic moniker in a foolish attempt to fool Jesus into thinking they love America more than my Gators?

Lily: Googling such terms would not only offend Jesus, but Mrs. Danger-Seeker as well.

Abi: Thank you, brother, for your concern. However, I didn't earn the name "danger-seeker" by playing it safe. In any event, I dozed off last night before I could make my rounds (see story above) but will venture forth into the hippie-sphere tonight, armed with the andecdote of all things hiipie-ish: a job offer!

Lew: It is, of course, "Mrs" Kramer. I made an honest woman of her long ago (although she does sometimes still cheat when we play America's favorite game show, "Jesus Jeopardy!")

April 01, 2006 8:33 AM  

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