Thursday, March 23, 2006

WANT TO BE GOVERNOR? BETTER LOVE JESUS!

FL Candidates Compete for the Savior’s Favor

(Tallahassee) Although Jeb Bush was by far the greatest governor Florida has ever known, some (but no one on the Spurious George editorial staff) have questioned his complete dedication to Christian ideals. After all, homosexuals have been allowed to appear in public under his watch, and the Democratic Party has yet to be banned. Restricted by unconstitutional term limits, Bush will unfortunately be unable to fulfill his faith-based agenda…and this makes the Baby Jesus weep a little. However, Floridians who reject the blasphemous notion that they are descendants of a red-assed baboon have reason to rejoice, as those who would replace (if that were even possible) the governor have pledged to put a smile back on the Savior’s face!

Launching the first salvo in the Holy War for the Lord’s Approval was Attorney General Charlie Crist, who announced that
he would, as governor, sign a South Dakota-like bill banning all forms of abortion. However, Crist, one consonant short of being the nation’s most Jesus-like statesman, later lost some points with the faithful when he specified that his version of the law would include exclusions for “victims” of rape and incest. “Hey, I love Jesus as much as anyone, and much more so than my opponent,” pled Crist. “But how can I serve Him if I’m not in office? While everyone in my state opposes abortion with every fiber of their Christian being, one can not risk alienate those who only mostly love Jesus.”

“Why doesn’t he just spit on the Virgin Mary?” asked fellow Republican Tom Gallagher, who many feel is building an impressive gubernatorial campaign on the rock that is Our Lord. “If we had a bill like South Dakota's and it came through the Legislature, I would sign it. No clarification needed*,” Gallagher bravely promised to an adoring gathering of white males in their 60’s.

From his office at the newly-created Department of Church and State (under which FEMA now falls,) Secretary Pat Robertson praised both candidates, and strongly hinted that both Jesus and His favorite son, President Bush, are pleased with their loyalty to a moral cause. “Jesus has spoken to me, and he whispereth in my ear that if the good, decent people of Florida elect either Brother Crist or Brother Gallagher, the Sunshine State shall not be smited this hurricane season! Praise him!”

As expected, the fringe Democratic candidates flaunted their hatred of Christ for all to see. “Politicians should stay out of the difficult, personal decisions about life and death that Floridians and their families face every day. It was wrong when our state leaders played politics in the tragic life of Terri Schiavo and it's still wrong,*” blasphemed cutting and running Congressman Jim Davis. Added baby-killing state senator Rod Smith, “I see nothing right now that tells me that we need to make changes to the existing body of law in this state.*” Fortunately, registered Republicans outnumber amoral Democrats 666 to 1 in the state, and thus Davis and Smith have as much of a chance of succeeding Governor Bush as Rush Limbaugh does for ever being wrong.

Somewhere, Baby Jesus is smiling.

* - Indicates Actual Quotes

9 Comments:

Blogger I'm The Devil, Who The Hell Are You? said...

Jesus is the doorman to the gates of Hell. Pat Robertson is one of my best salesmen ever!

March 23, 2006 10:59 PM  
Blogger a rose is a rose said...

he's not smiling mr danger seeker, it's only a gas bubble

March 24, 2006 1:41 AM  
Blogger GraemeAnfinson said...

lol, good stuff.

hey, if banning abortions stops God's wrath of hurricanes, you can't argue with that.

March 24, 2006 2:07 AM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Devil: Oh, you are SO going to hell for those remarks!

Rose: Are you saying Our Lord is lactose intolerant?

Grae: No more murdered babies AND my insurance rates go down? That's win-win baby!

March 24, 2006 8:05 AM  
Blogger pissed off patricia said...

The baby jesus has sent quiet a few hurricanes here since our lord and freakin' slobbering Jebus Bush has been gov. Maybe the baby jesus isn't down with Jeb and his ilk. Maybe the baby jesus is trying to blow holy jeb away and out to sea.

Go baby jesus. Go!
Baby jesus might just be a baby hippie, ya know.

March 24, 2006 9:29 AM  
Anonymous Dude said...

You always talk about Jesus, but you're really talking about that Old Testament smiting, plague causing, frog raining God. Jesus was all about the Beatitudes man.

March 24, 2006 2:41 PM  
Blogger Neil Shakespeare said...

What you folks need down there is a bill that's even stiffer than South Satanadakota. That is, it should outlaw lust completely. Also fornication of any kind, although that should go without saying.

March 24, 2006 9:12 PM  
Blogger davboz said...

I'm a schill.I'm a fake,
I'm a phony in YOUR clothes.

March 25, 2006 1:18 AM  
Blogger a rose is a rose said...

that's why his dad, god, invented silk soy milk isn't it?

March 25, 2006 7:05 AM  

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