Thursday, March 16, 2006

ISLAM-SATAN LINK EXPOSED!

Pat Robertson Calls for Carpet-Bombing of Hell

(Virginia Beach, VA) Just as the Bush administration proved a link between America-hater Saddam Hussein and radical terrorist group al Qaeda, another great patriot stepped forward this week to expose another “straight line of evil” that joins two of the greatest threats to the American, Christian way of life. An alliance that was suspected, but never proven, was today revealed by future Intelligence Czar Pat Robertson, who proved beyond any reasonable doubt that
Islam and Satan are determined to take over the world.

“These people are crazed fanatics and I want to say it now: I believe it's motivated by demonic power, it is satanic and it's time we recognize what we're dealing with. The goal of Islam, ladies and gentlemen, whether you like it or not, is world domination,*” announced Robertson, who said he discovered documents linking the two evil entities wrapped up inside an aluminum tube that was buried deep under Nigeria’s “Yellow Cake Uranium Belt.” Robertson, who voters inexplicably failed to back in his 1988 presidential bid, hinted that unless the 2008 nominees agree that “Islam in not a religion of peace*” he will be forced to seek the presidency again. “Under my administration, Holy Crusades would once and for all rid the Middle East, from the mangers in Bethlehem to the plains of Armageddon, of Satan’s chosen people!”

Robertson’s announcement was predictably cheered by those who hate Satan, and thus love Jesus. “I, of course, would join Pat’s Holy Army in the beat of a doomsday drum,” patriotically avowed enemy-of-Satan and former Attorney General John Ashcroft. “As A Christian solider, I would lead, from a comfortable distance of course...I’m a general, after all…the forces of Good in victory over the brown-skinned heathen.” Although completely unnecessary, Ashcroft proved his loyalty to the Lord by anointing himself in a vat of Crisco.

Ashcroft’s dedication was echoed by other Christian patriots with equally impressive military credentials, such as Vice President and “Hero of Hanoi” Dick Cheney. “We had our chance to defeat Satan in Vietnam, but namby-pamby peaceniks like John Kerry kept us from sealing the deal,” truthfully testified “Dead-Eye Dick.” Cheney, whose skill with weapons of death is the stuff of legend. “I’ve proven my mettle in the trenches of Da Nang, on the quail-killing field of Texas, and by golly and with God willing, will do so again on the wrong side of Jerusalem.”

When informed of Robertson’s finding, President Bush rightfully reassessed his earlier determination that Iraq presented the greatest threat to America’s security. “While I always suspected that Satan was behind all this crazy America-hating, Reverend Robertson’s in-depth research on the matter, thankfully reported in a colorful picture-book, makes it clear as vodka snorted off a stripper’s belly.” While Bush stopped short of outlawing Islam (as is within his War Powers authority,” he did advise that all Americans should “fear with every fiber of their Jesus-loving souls anyone with a turban” with the exception of rich investors from the UAE who wish to operate ports within the US.


* - Indicates Actual Quote

9 Comments:

Blogger Lew Scannon said...

"The goal of Islam, ladies and gentlemen, whether you like it or not, is world domination"
said Marion "Pat" Robertson right before he suggested conquering the world in Jesus' name.

March 16, 2006 7:46 PM  
Blogger Kvatch said...

I so do not want to know why Ashcroft is "leading from behind," especially to the rear of Pat Robertson.

March 16, 2006 11:24 PM  
Anonymous Dude said...

I understand that in an earlier draft, Pat had actually written "The goal of Islam, ladies and gentlemen, whether you like it or not, is to steal my lawnmower". But then Pat decided that people would think that was just plain crazy.

March 17, 2006 12:38 AM  
Blogger GraemeAnfinson said...

just when I think Pat has gone crazy, he comes back with some of the truthiest statements ever!

“While I always suspected that Satan was behind all this crazy America-hating, Reverend Robertson’s in-depth research on the matter, thankfully reported in a colorful picture-book, makes it clear as vodka snorted off a stripper’s belly.”

hmmmm when did Bush master metaphors?

March 17, 2006 3:11 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

www.prophetofdoom.net

March 17, 2006 3:38 AM  
Blogger a rose is a rose said...

jesus told me pat robertson is full of shite

March 17, 2006 5:59 AM  
Blogger Left of Center said...

leave it to Pat to wade through all the muck and bring forth the truth. A greater American has never existed.

March 17, 2006 7:11 AM  
Blogger Neil Shakespeare said...

It's good to know that we're doing all of this, when all is said and done, for Pat Robertson. (Go sell those 'Satan Shakes', buddy!)

March 17, 2006 12:28 PM  
Anonymous The Heretik said...

Is the carpet he is going to bomb a shag?

March 17, 2006 7:58 PM  

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