KATHERINE HARRIS, PERSECUTED MINORITY

Overt Discrimination Unfairly Harming Senate Bid

(Long Boat Key, FL) Despite their long ago-disproved claim of representing the downtrodden, it appears the baseless and hurtful accusations Democrats have hurled at patriotic princess Katherine Harris (R-FL) may have forced the former beauty queen to forego what most concede would have been a successful challenge to Sen. Bill Nelson’s seat. Bowing out from the recent Southern Republican Leadership Council meeting in Memphis, Harris declared in that lilting, debutante falsetto of hers, “Unfortunately, I am unable to join you this weekend, as I prayerfully prepare with my family, friends and advisors to finalize the strategy for a major announcement next week concerning my candidacy for the U.S. Senate.” (Note: SG consulted the definitive Goldwater Conservative Dictionary, and determined that “prayerfully” is not only a word, it’s a Jesus-approved one.)

While her brief statement was in no way a legally-binding notice of withdrawal from the race, sources close to the situation have revealed that Harris, a demure flower of delicate Southern womanhood, has grown weary of liberals’ constant and unfounded criticism. “It all started in 2000, glorious 2000,” reminisced rock of support Karl Rove. “The out-of-the-mainstream media used altered photos of her that made comely Katherine look like Cruella De Ville. I mean, have you ever seen someone with a political axe to grind stoop so low?”

Harris, who as a white, female Christian benefactor of a millionaire grandfather has long known the sting of discrimination. “Democrats inexplicably hated Katherine log before 2000; in fact, it all started with her first Florida Senate run in 1994,” recalled family friend and future President Jeb Bush. “Back then, they baselessly accused her of taking $20,000 in illegal contributions from Riscorp, then later supporting legislation favorable to that wonderful institution. Now they claim she’s again taken dirty money. Clearly, the Democratic Party hates women.”

Of course, the most direct incident of Harris-hating was personified in Floridian freedom-hater Barry Seltzer. Seltzer, who many believe was contracted by Gore loyalists, attempted to run over Harris and millions of her supporters at a Sarasota pep rally/prayer breakfast. Seltzer was subsequently convicted and rendered to Yemen, but not before being allowed to serve as John Kerry’s Florida campaign chairman.

Harris’ persecution brought statements of support from throughout the nation. South Dakota governor Mike Rounds lamented Florida’ lack of support for women, and pledged that if Harris chose to relocate to his state, “she would be worshipped as a goddess, unless, of course, she wanted an abortion.”