Sunday, March 12, 2006


Earth, God’s Favorite Planet, Still Center of Universe

(Houston) Secular, Jesus-hating NASA scientists are as giddy as Ted Kennedy at an open bar these days. On Thursday the eggheads announced that they had detected
water erupting from one of Saturn’s moons, and on Friday they acted as if they, and not God, should be praised for inserting a satellite into Mars’ orbit. Left unsaid was the obvious; that without God, there would be no water, no Mars, no NASA, and no higher-being rejectionist scientists.

“Once again, the lab coat geeks show their true, pink-o colors,” righteously commented former NASA intelligent designist George Deutsch. “Could science have created Saturn’s rings? Could Darwin have brought from nothingness black holes and supernovae? Do hippies possess the power to move the earth and sky? No, no, and no. Only God, or possibly President Bush, could do that.” Deutsch, a persecuted Christian if ever there was one,
lost his position at NASA when atheist astronomers challenged his correct assessment that the Big Bang theory is just that…a theory. “I guess hard-headed scientists can’t deal in theory,” theorized Deutsch.

“Big whoop-de-do,” intelligently commented America’s foremost expert on Jesus’ brand of science Pat Robertson when informed of the latest so-called scientific discoveries. “Water on one of Saturn’s moons? If memory serves me, we found water on our own moon and the missionaries we’ve sent there to convert the local savages have yet to find a single little green man. Clearly this proves beyond any shadow of reasonable doubt that the universe revolves around the Earth, and that the Earth revolves around Jesus Christ.”

Equally unimpressed was Senator (and future President) Rick Santorum (R-PA.) Santorum, chairman of the Senate Intelligent Design sub-committee, questioned the practical uses for water on Enceladus’ icy -307 degree surface. “Can you baptize a repentant abortionist in that water? Can you wash away the sins of cutters and runners in water that cold? Sure, Jesus could walk on that water, but so could Ted Kennedy; it’s frozen!” Santorum, whom some rejectionists erroneously believe is
at risk of losing his Senate seat this year, promised that, if re-elected, he will introduce a bill banning future exploration of space. “Jesus doesn’t like it when we probe the heavens. As you know, heaven is reserved for the faithful, and a deep-space probe, like a Democrat, lacks a soul.”

President Bush, informed of the discovery by newest scientific advisor Kenneth “Kenny Boy” Lay, expressed doubt that the liquid seen erupting from the surface of Enceladus is in fact water. “We have an old saying in Texas that says, ‘
fool me once, shame on me.’ No wait, that’s not it. It’s, ‘if it gushes from the ground, it must be oil!’ I should point out that Encelay, er, Encyclo, um, Saturn’s moon, is not America. That is to say, it’s foreign, and y’all know how I feel about foreign oil.” While not proposing an invasion of Enceladus, Bush went on record as saying, “all options are on the table.”


Blogger Ron Nasty said...

I'm sure we know now where to go for water when we've polluted all ours. Too bad there won't be enough oil to send a rocket there.

March 12, 2006 11:30 PM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Americans shouldn't drink Mexican water (to say nothing of the French stuff)...and you're suggesting we expose ourselves to Saturnian H20? I'd rather drink oil!

Not foreign oil, of course.

March 13, 2006 12:54 PM  
Anonymous LILY BRANFORD said...

Great now we can accuse Saturn of having weapons of mass destruction so we can take their water.

Hillary's skin or McCain's neck???

Santorum will lose, Mr. Kramer, and he will actually have to go back to Penn Hills and actually live in the school district paying to educate the kids. Keep pushing the book, Ricky.

March 13, 2006 2:00 PM  
Anonymous Anita said...

To paraphrase my hero, Bob Dylan:

A Chilly (Enceladan) Rain is Gonna Fall.

March 13, 2006 2:38 PM  
Blogger Neil Shakespeare said...

Definitely Hillary's icy skin. You can see the cracks quite plainly.

March 14, 2006 7:09 AM  

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